Friday, September 30, 2005

Kid Forgets How to Play Memory®

Darla Givens, a 5 year old Kindergartner at P.S.112, forgot how to play Memory® during recess last week. Baffled teachers and administrators called in professionals to examine the girl.

“This may be the strangest case I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Allen Packerd, a pediatric neurologist from The Univ. of Penn. “Sometimes kids just forget because they’re kids. Sometimes it’s more serious. This is what gets me up in the morning.”

Darla’s teacher first noticed something was amiss when Darla said she didn’t want to play. “I said, ‘Darla, you love Memory®, remember?’ She said that she recognized the cards, but didn’t know what she was supposed to do. It’s sad, really.”

Attempts to question the young student were thwarted by her parents. Through their lawyer they released this statement: “We are deeply troubled by this incident. We feel that this was only a momentary lapse on our beautiful daughter’s part. On the off chance that it was not, we have contracted Dr. Packerd and his entire staff to run as many test as needed on Darla. While she is out of school, Darla hopes that her friends will not forget her.”

As word of this traveled through the grapevine, Milton Bradley®, maker of the game, moved quickly to give Darla every version they have of Memory®. And Milton Bradley® said that they plan to release a Darla version of the game early this fall.

Reported and Written by Field Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Monday, September 26, 2005

Congressman Urges Bill to Allow 56th Trimester Abortions

Congressman Bill Hartmann (D) has put a bill before the House that will allow abortions up to the 56th trimester. The bill caused a outrage throughout Washington on Thursday.

"I have never been for abortion after the 2nd trimester until recently. However the recent behavior of my 13 yr. old son has helped me see the advantage to such drastic measures like a 56th trimester abortion," said Rep. Hartmann in front of congress on Thursday.

"This child is unbelievable. He sleeps till 1pm on Saturday's. He doesn't listen to me anymore. He was arrested last week on drug charges. He hasn't attended school at all this year. The only way for me to see an end to my personal embarrassment brought on by this child is for him to be aborted."

Rep. Hartmann has said he has tried punishment, therapy, positive reinforcement, time-outs, and monetary payoffs to get his son to act right.

Pro-Life activists descended upon the Capitol Building on Friday to protest the bill.

"I'm sorry, but we simply cannot have abortion at any trimester. If this man, Mr Hartmann, wants to rid himself of his son, there is always adoption. Or he can do things the old fashioned way and hire a hitman to murder him. But, we will not stand for abortion!!!" said National Pro-Life Alliance president, Martin E. Fox.

There were a few supporters who showed up to support Hartmann's bill. The 13 member national organization Hispanic American National Give Abortions to Anyone Regime (or H.A.N.G.A.A.R.) showed up to voice their support.

"We believe in Mr. Hartmann's bill, " said H.A.N.G.A.A.R. president Jose Flores. " These kids nowadays need to be taught a lesson.... Always acting like they know something about this world that adults don't. Maybe if they knew they could still be aborted, they wouldn't act like such jerks."

A vote on the bill is expected next Tuesday.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Congratulations! You Are a Moron!

Jeffrey Martin, 32, of Englewood Cliffs, NJ. Congratulations! You are a moron!

You called out of work "sick", and then you went to lunch at a popular work restaraunt. Not only did you get caught; but you were sitting behind your boss trashing him , not knowing he was at the table behind you.

Your boss then proved to you he was not an incompetent jerkface with no balls. He fired you and then spit in your beer. You deserve all your misfortunes and we hope you enjoy your visits to the unemployment office.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Jealous Christians Look to Accessorize Like Other Religions

Muslim women wear hijabs, Jewish men wear yarmulkes, and Sikh men wear turbans. All religions have headwear that symbolize their faith, all but the Christians. Well not anymore. That's thanks to John and Eileen Bohan. Unlike other Christians who have been stuck in a religous style rut for centuries, John and Eileen have brought Christians up to par in the faith-based hat world. They have designed a new headwear called the Jesus Beanie.

There is no better way to represent your Lord and Savior like a rainbow beanie with a crucifix propeller.

"For centuries we Christians have just looked silly when compared to other religions. We looked stupid with our bare heads. Now with the Jesus Beanie we no longer need to literally bow our heads shamefully," slurred a noticebly excited and noticebly intoxicated John Bohan.

"And on the 2,361,873,502,746,923,471,268,469 day God made Jesus Beanies ," proclaimed Rev. James Viviano of the First, Second, and Third Evangelical Church of Ellsworth, MN, "and so hath thy head been covered in the name of Our Father, Jesus Christ, amen."

Jesus Beanies have inspired people of other faiths to take another look at Christianity.

"I turned my back on Christianity because being a Christian meant being against homosexuality. I now know that is no longer true; because those Christians sure look real gay in those retarded-ass beanies. Is that a crucifix on top?" said 17 yr. old athiest Daniel McRancey.

All of the Jesus Beanies have been purchased in the so-called Red States. Mainly because these Christians buy into almost anything that is done in the name of God. (ie. KKK, George W. Bush, Pat Robertson)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Comedian Kills 3 with Set, Others not Really Amused

Indian stand-up comic Greg Chupta amused only 3 out of 125 people in attendance during his set at the Detroit club Funny Ha-Ha on Friday. His amazingly unfunny set included "jokes" about unpaid dowries, unsacred cows, and impersonations of Bollywood stars; They only seemed to connect with his 3 family members in attendance.

"They were laughing on the inside, I'm sure of it. C'mon how could you not laugh when I said Chingra Patel looks like an Indian Monica Lewinsky, I mean c'mon she looks just like her. It's so funny, the resemblance," said Chupta after the show. "and my Knock-Knock joke: Knock Knock--Who's There?--Greg--Greg Who?--Greg Thomas!!! See they thought I was going to say Chupta, but I didn't. I said Thomas. Ah--so funny!"

I assured Greg that he wasn't really telling jokes or making people laugh; as much as wasting precious oxygen and impersonating a sleeping pill during his set.

He laughed and said he would have to use that. Good luck at the Apollo in Harlem next week, Greg.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Rookie Gets a No-Hitter

(Joey Banks Gets a Double in first)

Simon Avery, 16, may be the first person ever, let alone a rookie, to get a no-hitter in mailbox baseball history.

Avery was very excited after passing his driver’s license test. He figured a celebratory joy ride with his friends was not only called for, but needed. After everyone was loaded in the ’84 Corolla, it wasn’t long before the shenanigans started.

“We were like, yelling at girls, spitting at cars, you know…guy sh*t,” said Mark Sample, who initially had “shotgun”. Joey Gordon concurred, “You can only get flipped off by so many girls before you want to hit something. That’s when I suggested we play mailbox baseball.”

Simon had no idea how to play, but acted like he did so as not to embarrass himself. “I was great,” said Simon. “Swerving for curveballs, hitting the gas for fastballs. I even slid on some leaves for a slider. Couldn’t figure out how to do a change-up, though.” Simon figured something was up after the 3rd inning when his friends starting laughing.

“Nobody told me the point was to let them hit the mailboxes,” Simon said. “Not even Joey, and I covered for him when he sh-arted in school yesterday. I’m so ashamed. And angry. I should kick Joey right in that dirt ass of his.”

No one was injured during the hijinks, at least not physically; Because I know you are really dying on the inside. Aren’t you Simon?

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

Reported and Written by Field Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Monday, September 12, 2005

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on....The Gas Prices

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on.... is a new editorial section from the mind of the annoying guy that has to tell me his retarded ideas and theories about the world while I take the bus to work. He reminds me of that really annoying person in your class that would answer every question with such conviction and smugness whether he knew the answer or not. Usually he only pretends to know. I have tried to take other buses to get away from him but he waits for me now. Unless I walk the fifteen miles I am stuck hearing them. So now are you if you choose to read them.

You know what I think? I think these gas prices suck. Yeah you heard me, I said the s-word. But I am angry, so forgive me. I don't know why they are so high, I mean everyone knows that Kimono Dragons urinate oil. Why don't we just set up shop in Kimono and refine the dragons' urine into gasoline? Why not? Because the secretly government-funded PETA and other groups don't want us to exploit the precious animals.

Also Exxon and Shell have recently begun work on a new form of energy. It is called "Solar Energy". These mad geniuses are actually harvesting energy from the Sun's rays. If ever found out and perfected, the oil companies would be obsolete, and Oil Co. Execs would have no front to go to Saudi Arabia and bet on Camel Races.

Lastly I end with this. The gas companies have inflated prices so that when the price of oil goes down, everybody will be happy to pay $2.25 for a gallon. The price we were complaining about less than a year ago, will be the price we will be elated to pay. It's all a sneaky way for big oil to ultimately raise the price without customer dissatisfaction.

I know what I have said is a lot to take in. So just read it over again, slowly. My intellect is sometimes beyond those of "normal people" so email Dump Digest if you have any questions or need anything explained.

(DD is aware it's Komodo dragon, but Rodney doesn't.)

Friday, September 09, 2005

Couple has Triplets

After 1 miscarriage and many more failed attempts at getting pregnant, Jay and Kay Spelling of Wind Gap, PA, are the proud new parents of triplets. The 3 girls each weighed in at 3 lb, 3 oz. and were healthy enough to spend their first night together in the nursery.

“Amazingly, my s-s-sperm seem to st-st-stop and go j-j-just like my sp-sp-speech,” said the proud father. “We n-n-never stopped believing. I’m s-s-so happy,” added Mrs. Spelling. The Spellings are known around town as “Sputter” and “Mutter” because they both suffer from stuttering.

Due to their affliction, naming the girls was actually quite easy. ”Since tech-tech-technically they are our sec-sec-second, th-th-third and fourth babies, and because of our-our-our speech imped-ped-pediment, their names are Bebe, Cece, and Dede. That should w-w-work,” said Jay at this afternoon’s press conference.

This isn’t the first time the Spelling’s have been in the media spotlight. In 1995, they were co-valedictorians of their senior class. They had to stave off 3 lawsuits trying to stop them from giving their speeches. The successfully fended off the suits and presented their speeches; each speech lasting at least an hour. Then in 2000, Kay won the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at a Reading Phillies game. After much protest, Kay’s rendition made Roseanne Barr’s crotch-grabbing version seem like opera.

It is too early to tell if the triplets will stutter, or resent their parents, but this much is true: They will be told to death how much they’re l-l-loved.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Bush Wants To Open Giant WaterPark to Pay for Katrina Releif.

In perhaps the worst idea ever, President Bush has came up with a plan to turn New Orleans into one giant waterpark with admission going directly to the Red Cross Hurricane relief effort.
"Super Fun Waterworld is only going to open until the water is gone. It's not like it's going to be a permanent structure, " said Bush to a mob of angry reporters. " Operating costs of the park will be close to zero because the water is already there and so are all the exciting rides. Speaking of the rides their is going to be Sailboat Falls where you can shoot down one of the levees on your giant wood sailboat. Then there is Driftwood River, a lazy river ride where you simply float around the park on driftwood. And then you can ride around on metal Ski-Doos and fight against water pirates trying to steal your clean water. And Dennis Hopper will be there, and also that chick from The Firm, too. All the proceeds from admission go directly to the Red Cross."
Bush ignored all questions surrounding hepititis, bacteria, dead bodies, disease, and death.
"I don't even know what to say, except I cannot believe this man is seriously the leader of the free world," said irrate mother of two Laura Bush. " To think I actually married this man and brought children that are half-him into this world. It makes me sick that I actually sleep next to him once a month."
The White House released this statement exactly ten minutes after Bush's impromptu news conference detailing his plan:
"President Bush would like to apologize for his plan. He was simply throwing out all possible ideas for relief aid. While he realizes how insensitive he was being, he would like to place all the blame on Kevin Costner. Mr. Bush just watched Waterworld for the 800th time this morning. Mr. Costner's smooth portrayel of the lead character made the President wish he could live in Waterworld. So there you have it, blame Kevin Costner."

Son's Messy Room is Mystery To All.

Matt Schnitzler is a 25 year old college student from Bristol, PA. His dad's a janitor. His mom's a housekeeper. Which begs the question many have wanted answered. Why is his room so messy?
"“Because I don't care!"” is Matt's answer. "“Hospital corners and turned downed sheets? That'’s their life, not mine. Besides, I don't have the time. I have much more important things to attend to. Like downloading music, watching the same movies over and over, and sleeping up to fourteen hours a day."
Fear is another reason for Matt's unwillingness to clean his trash-heap of a domicile." I don't know what's under that mess. Frankly, I'm scared. My favorite green shirt moved across the room by itself the other night," said Matt.
His mother Carol is worried about his health. "“There is mold growing in every bowl. I think that one was macaroni and cheese, which is odd because we haven't had it in the house for over four months."”
Amazingly, this disregard for his health and safety has garnered Matt some recognition. Locally famous photographer, Zeke, has had Matt pose naked with is enormous collection of Colt 45 40's and Mountain Dew cans. The entire work, entitled Fly on Pie”, is set to debut November 1, and run through Dec. 2, as part of the Environmental Diseases display at the Franklin Institute before moving to the McCarty Gallery in Chestnut Hill.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Really Annoying Guy Won't Stop Looking Over at My Screen.

(Annoying Jerkface)
As I try to expell genius from my mind, there is a dorky, fat, prematurely balding guy at the computer next to me, who will not stop looking at my screen. Hey Jerkface! Look at your own screen. Why is he so interested in what is on my screen?
Oh my God, stop looking! I know you just read three sentences earlier when I asked you not to look at my screen. And you know I am talking about you because you are the only 19 year old in this room with a receding hair line that I mentioned in the first sentence. So why did you look over here again? By the way your breathe smells like Funyuns mixed with Pepsi.
Also, just wanted to mention something about your t-shirt. I am sure that the ladies love guys who love comics. However, they only love them when it's not known the guy loves comics. So you may wanna drop the t-shirt that proudly dislpays the epic battle of Venom vs. Spiderman.
I think he finally gets that I was writing about him. I am guessing that because he just got real red and then faced forward. Now he is looking towards his screen, but I know he is not paying attention to it, rather he is thinking about the mean things I wrote and what he should do about it.
Yeah! I thought so. You better not look over here. Damn I must really be an intimidating looking man. This guy is such a wuss.
Now you are so nervous you are balling up those sweaty dirty hands of yours. Now you are acting like your stretching. Now you are.....
I have to go because my nose is now bleeding. I do not wish to talk about what happened. Fat bald guy is no longer looking at my screen though. He was asked to leave by security.

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