Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"They" Start Website To Keep You Up-to-Date on Trivial Topics

(Picture of "They" community c. 1994)
They say it is going to rain tomorrow. They say blueberries are full of antioxidents. They say a glass of wine a day is healthy. We all quote their information, we all believe what they tell us. If we come up with crazy facts to tell someone, we back it up with the proof of truth by saying "They say...". Well just who are "They"? The smartest group of people in the world? You betcha'!

"They" say that "They" are a mysterious international group of experts, living as a remote community, working around the clock to provide you with a variety of information that you can use in conversation to sound interesting and educated. Talking about the duck-billed platypus? "They" say the female duck-billed platypus breastfeeds without benefit of a breast or a nipple.

"They" say that usually you have to wait for the segments on the news between the traffic and sports to find out new things "They" say. Well not any longer. "They" say that "They" have now launched They.com. "They" say that They.com is a new website where users can access over 50,000,000,000 things they have said in past and present. No longer do you have to wait for some tool anchor to tell you what "They" have said.

They.com is available for a mere $5 a month subscription. "They" say that it is the most savvy site on the internet. We say that's a steal to find out what "They" have to say.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Pat Morita Dead At 73. Wax Off Miyagi.

Dump Digest would like to thank Pat Morita for giving birth to one of our all-time favorite movie characters. We wish your family well. May you rest in peace.

"We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions."- Mr. Miyagi (1932-2005)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Congratulations! You Are a Moron!

(I hope this is you Patricia)
37 year old Patricia Driscoll of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Congratulations! You are a moron! I almost got in an accident just because you wanted to get to work five seconds faster. You sped past me on right; just squeezed between me and the car in front of you to get in front of me, almost causing an end to my holiday cheer; all to beat me to the red light that laid ahead. Then you switched lanes again, trying to be Ms. TrafficPro, only to get stuck behind a mass transit bus, I quickly sped up to block you from re-entering my lane again, and you wound up twenty cars behind me anyway.

You are a jerkface and a moron and I hope you hit an icy patch on a narrow, high bridge. Do all drivers a favor and instead of getting stuck behind a bus, just get on one from now on.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Million Mute March Quietly Marches on Washington.

Approximately 900,000 mutes marched on Washington, D.C. on Wednesday, in what was perhaps the largest congregation of mutes ever. They quietly waved their signs in protest against President Bush claiming "President Bush doesn't care about mute people".

The march was organized by the national organization Quiet Riot. It seems the group is still bitter about a 2002 press conference where Bush referred to mutes as "untalkable people" and then engaged in fake sign language and began talking with a deaf accent saying " I feewal ore payin"(I feel your pain.). Bush claims he was trying to reach those people; he thought mutes could talk some of the time and that's how he saw one talk in a movie once.

The march was originally planned to take place three years ago, but it took two years for the group to realize that telephone recruitment of participants was not the way to go. A mass e-mail was circulated instead and then the momentum began.

A Bush spokesperson addressed the crowd saying ,"The president has apologized many times for the incident and is still very sorry. President Bush has even learned a little sign language, and he would like me to share it with all mutes." She then proceeded to stick up both middle fingers at the crowd and then added, " Bush wants you to know he would like you all to shut up about that incident. Oh wait that's right , You already are."

Quiet Riot
head, Matthew Thomas, had nothing to say about the event. He did however flash a couple hand gestures toward Bush, which by all the crossing, I am guessing weren't pleasantries.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Death Row Food Critic: Oregon State Penitentiary

AJ RIP 2005

does one savor their food as they do when it's their Last Meal. Dump Digest asked A.J. Daly, convicted murderer, and recent recipient of the Oregan State death penalty to critique his Last Meal and give us a review.

My food arrived at 8:15 pm. I am to be executed at midnight exactly. For my Last meal I had chosen something from each of the four major food groups. It's never to late to look after your health, I told myself. No need to pack on the pounds at the finish line.

My meat was a moderate helping of roasted alligator steak. I chose this because an alligator ate my father when I was 12 and this was my last chance for revenge. For my vegetable I had broccoli sauteed in a wine garlic sauce. I chose broccoli because I like to pretend that the broccoli is one of those walking trees from Lord of the Rings and my finger is one of the Hobbits. I then recited lines from that part of the movie and chuckled at my actions. It was nice entertainment right before I died. My dairy was baked brie. I chose this because it reminded me of the 17 women that I murdered; all of which were named Brie. I saved my grains for dessert. I had a multi-grain muffin with Vermont maple syrup drizzled on top. I chose this because the other day the guard had one and I asked for a piece. He said "No, the only way your getting this is if you ask for it in your Last Meal.", so I did.

My overall review is as Follows:
--The steak was a bit chewy, not as much flavor as I hoped for, and way too much Rosemary.
--The broccoli was, well, it was broccoli. I mean you have to be an idiot to mess up broccoli.
--The baked brie was magnificent. Topped with a brilliant apple chutney, reminded me of heaven, and then that in turn reminded me I was not going there. Kind of a killjoy.
--I only had a bite of the muffin, it was a little dry, that jerk guard probably just saved one of his from the other day.
--I wasn't all together satisfied and I can safely say I will never eat there again.

I have just 2 small requests for the Penetentiary. One, fire the chef you use for Last Meals, the dying deserve more. Secondly, please don't kill me.

Dump Digest would like to thank A.J. for his review. One thing the penetentiary did get right that night, the execution went off on schedule at exactly midnight.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Satan Wins Huge Copyright Lawsuit.

California-- Satan (on right, with his attorney Dark Lord Adolf Hitler) was granted a $32,000,000,000,000 award when he was victorious in a copyright lawsuit against some of the world's largest corporations. Satan sued over 40 companies that used his name or likeness for products. Listed as major defendants were Drake's Cakes, for their Devil Dogs cakes; Royal Appliance Mfg. Co., for their Dirt Devil vacuums; and Smith Detergents Inc., for their Satan Baby line of baby products.

Satan had documented proof that in 1836, he copyrighted the use of the names Satan, devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, and any other name referencing Satan. He also trademarked all past and future illustrations. With stipulation they be approved by him first. Thousands of companies infringed on this trademark, except for the Elmo character on Sesame Street, which was named and modeled, with permission, after Satans' childhood nickname and appearance.

" It's nice to see that you can still get a fair trial in America, even if you are the Prince of Darkness.", said Satan, in a post trial news conference. "It really wasn't about the money, sure it's nice, but this was about my image. When people think Satan or devil, I don't want them to think about a clean carpets or cleaning a baby's ass. ...(Satan's phone rings)....'Hello. No..no I am at a press conference..I will call you back...Okay! Skim milk and Boca Burgers. I know honey, it's on the list, do you think I am stupid?....I know you didn't say that I was, but wouldn't I have to be....I'll call you later.... I love you, too.' ... Excuse me. Oh Yes..I want people to worship me whole-heartedly, for which I will reward them with lavish gifts and opportunity in their mortal lives. I want to be feared by those who dare cross me. I want my image to be the image of evil and eternal damnation. I am The Prince of Darkness, Ruler of the Damned, King of the Underworld!"

When asked what he will spend the money on, Satan said he will donate some to dictators' armies and also donate to The United Al-queada College Fund, as well as the legal defense of some of America's most corrupt business executives.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

News In Pics!

Saddam Hussein sat through another day of boring proceedings during his trial on Wednesday. He spent most of the time staring into space daydreaming, and planning how he can look even more like Nick Tortelli from Cheers.

Mel Gibson spent this week promoting the announcement of his new film Apocolypto, and planning how he could look even more like Saddam Hussein.

President Bush toasted the future king of England today. Bush embarrassed himself twice on the night. First, after ten minutes of speaking loud, clear and slow to the prince; an advisor educated Bush that people from England do speak English. To top it off, Bush toasted to the entire venue, long life and health to Prince Charming and his wife Lady Di.

DENVER (AP) -- Residents of the Mile "High" City have voted to legalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana for adults. In related news, residents also voted to change the name of the city to "Patchouliville".

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