Tuesday, January 24, 2006

NASA Rovers Discover Wasted Funds on Mars.

(For $100, NASA coulda taken a cab to the
desert for this shot)

NASA rovers on Mars made an important discovery on the Red Planet this week. More rocks and dust. This is the 369th straight day that the rovers have found rocks and dust on Mars. While no water or life has been found on Mars yet, NASA scientists have great hopes for the near future of their Mars mission.

"While we have only found small rocks and dust so far, we believe there are bigger and better things that we have not yet discovered on Mars, " said Dr. Bill Fields of NASA, " Most notably, bigger rocks....and better dust. Much larger and finer than the rocks and dust we have previously found ."

Much criticism has come to the Mars mission; mostly by Parent Groups who believe the Mars mission's money could be put to better use. Dr. Fields responded to this criticism.

"We could waste money feeding the poor or rebuilding our schools, or we can put that money into something really necessary. Mars Rocks! I don't mean that Mars does Rock...it totally does by the way... I mean the precious mineral rocks of Mars that are indeed more important than some silly three year old who hasn't eaten in a week. You know what? Mars Rocks don't even need school...Or food. All they need is money. Lots of money. Without money, how would NASA find more? We wouldn't. And who would want to live in a world without Mars Rocks? Not me people."

We later ensured Dr. Fields that he did, in fact, live in a world without Mars Rocks. To which he responded by jumping out of the window to commit suicide. What a sad day for NASA. One of its scientists, whose theories on Mars have cost taxpayers billions of dollars, actually thought he could die from jumping out of a first floor window. Our case rests.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Office Jerk Provides Proof Someone Loves Him.

(Al addressing co-workers)
Anyone at Dunglee Mortgage will tell you, Al Mays is a jerk. He is known around the office as the guy who looks for the bad side to any positive. He is always there to provide an inappropriate quip to ruin your good moments. It has been said many times by many people, "I hate you Al, and so does everyone else. No one loves you. You Al...you are a jerk."

On Thursday Al got tired of everyone thinking that nobody loves him and he decided to do something about. He brought in proof.

"Here they are people," shouted Al at the entire office as he shuffled through his proof, "Birthday cards...Christmas cards...Valentine's Day cards...here's an Earth Day card for crying out loud! All addressed to me and signed, "Love Mom". You hear that people, "Love Mom"! So next time you all wanna talk crap about me not getting any love, just take a look at these posted on my cubicle, and shove your false comments up your a**."

Everyone at the office listened to Al and took ten good seconds to digest it, then went back to work. Later we talked to Al's co-workers to get their take on Al's proof.

"I used to think Al was a jerk. Now I know he is a jerk...and a moron. Al Mays is a moronic jerk," said Betty Mack in accounting.

"Who the hell sends an Earth Day card? Al's mom is retarded. No wonder that guy's an idiot," said Martin Freebush in IT.

"I saw those cards. Al signed those himself. That ass used the Star Trek symbol to dot his i's. I went to his apt. once, that place is Star Dork wall-to-wall. His mom is like 85, she doesn't know the Star Trek symbol, " said Harry Ashlique, Al's boss.

Al had this to say about Harry's theory, " Harry doesn't even know, okay! My mom sent those cards. He is just mad because his mom hasn't love him since he revealed that he is gay and marrying a Jewish guy. Double no-no for little catholic boy. I have set up an apology box for sorry notes from those who said I was not loved. I will be expecting one from everyone, so just drop it off anytime."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Fak* N*ws Sit* Los*s K*yboard Button.

Missing sinc* 1.9.2006
Things w*nt crazy at the Dump Dig*st offic* on Monday night wh*n som* j*rk stol* th* * button from th* offic*'s lon* k*yboard. It could not com* at a worst tim* than two minut*s b*for* Burt b*gan typing a story about *l*m*ntary *ducation in *x*t*r, *ngland.

Burt is not blaming anyon*, but h* do*s b*li*v* th* p*rson r*sponsibl* has th* nam* that ryhm*s with D**n Shimsdal*. I, I m*an Burt, is not mad; I--h* just wants th* fr*akin button back so I...okay this is Burt...Giv* m* back th* godamn k*y Sh**n, you asshol*. This pr*ssing shift crap *v*ry tim* I writ* an *
(that last * was r*ally an * not an *, sorry to confus*) is giving m* an *ffin cramp. I want that button back on th* k*yboard by tonit* or I am calling th* cops.

Monday, January 09, 2006

News In Pics!

President Bush Interrupted a meeting on the Iraq War to describe just how large Jessica Simpson's breasts were in The Dukes of Hazzard.
"I mean those are some great funbags, America," said President Bush, "They are great. I swear Wyatt and Gary made that pair on their computer. Remember that, America? The had the bras on their heads and Wyatt was like, 'Gary, by the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?'. And then Gary was like, 'Ceremonial.' That was classic!...Anywho, what were we talking about again?"
"Iraq, Mr President," said VP Cheney
"You sure? I thought we were talking about boobs."
"Nope, definitely Iraq."

Laura Bush and Condi Rice begin a game of hide and seek at The White House on Friday. Condi is shown as the hider. She has won 182 consecutive games by hiding in the only spot she knows no one in the Bush camp will look. In the Constitution of the United States.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Local "Cool Guy" Credits Peer Pressure to His Success.

Harry Thomas is cool way beyond his 19 years of life. But Harry could not have his reputation without a little help from friends and a lot of help from peer pressure. It was peer pressure that pushed him to do all the extremely stupid things that have made him a legend in many teenagers' minds.

"Oh yeah, I owe a lot to peer pressure. God, I definitely wouldn't have started smoking and drinking if my friends weren't. That time I ate a whole jar of mayonnaise at Moose's party, peer pressure. All the things I own that I can't afford: my car, my designer clothes, my awesome sunglasses; if it weren't for peer pressure I would never have gotten such high interest credit cards to pay for all of them," explained Harry while sitting on his 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder.

"If it weren't for peer pressure, I would probably be some nerd sophomore in college, rather than a really awesome 6th year senior in high school. Peer Pressure has taught me the important life lesson that it is much more important to have friends than an education. Could college get me a job at the skate rink where all the hottie 9th graders hang out? Don't think so! Does college pay you $7.50/hr plus free tokens for the arcade? Nope!"

We asked local teens at the Skate Factory what they thought about Harry.

"Harry? That guy that's like 23? That guy is a creepy loser. He's always asking us if we wanna take a ride in his car he calls The Blue Dragon. Oh yeah..he is reeeallll cool....5 years ago," said Jessica Blatz, 15.

"Dude, Harry is the coolest! This guy has awesome clothes, a cool car, great sideburns; what's not to like about him? He totally makes me pressured to be just like him. I want high interest credit cards, too," said Tim Dresin, 17.

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