Dump Digest

Our Favorite W. Cares About the Interests of all 52 States.

2007-04-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

In a recent interview with our incredibly astute leader, Dump Digest's newest reporter Mitchell Goosen sat down with the president to see how he feels about domestic issues.

MG: Thank you for joining us Mr. President.
W: You're welcome Mitch.

MG: Mr. President, most questions asked to you of recent years have been directed at Iraq or other foreign issues such as global terrorism and North Korea. I wanted to know what you thought were the most vital domestic issues we face here in our own country.
W: That's a good question Mitch. There are lot's of problems we face everyday in this country and not just in the real states like California, New York, and Texas. They are faced in all 52 states, even those ones no one pays attention to like Wyoming. There are education problems, unemployment, and healthcare. And then there are serious issues also, like paparazzi hounding celebs; I mean come on USWeekly, leave that Lohan girl alone. It's enough already, Mitch. It's enough!

MG: Now that just opens up many questions I really didn't prepare or ever imagined I would have to prepare. First, Mr. President, you are aware their are only 50 states, aren't you?
W: 50? (chuckles). Common mistake, Mitch. Everyone gets that one wrong sometimes. See a lot of people forget West Dakota and now we got Iraq also. So that's 52, Goose.

MG: You are aware that Iraq is not a state, that we are just aiding their transition to democracy? Please don't call me Goose, either.
W: Really smart guy? Then tell me this. If they are not a state...Then why, are we giving them billions of dollars like we do other states? I think I got you there, Goose!

MG: It is not a state though...you know what?...forget Iraq, let's stick domestically. There is no West Dakota, Mr President. So even by your insane count that's only 51.
W: Really, Goose? (sarcarstically) Then what's west of North Dakota, then?
MG: That would be Montana, Mr. President.
W: Please Goose, call me Maverick.
MG: I don't think I will.
W: Come on killjoy. (slaps my shoulder) It'll be like Top Gun. It'll be fun.
MG: Not really, Mr. President.
W: Maverick.
MG: Okay...Fine (frustrated)... Maverick, do you feel there is a need for drastic changes to our nation's health care situation?
W: Yes I do.
MG: Do you care to elaborate?
W: No I don't.
MG: Didn't think so.

MG: Maverick, do you feel the need for a complete overhaul of our nation's schools with classroom material that would better assimilate our children into the borderless economy of today.
W: I am not going to lie to you, Goose. I was not listening to a word you were saying. I was busy thinking about making love to Kelly McGillis on my chopper.
MG:I was asking if you felt the need for a complete overhaul of our nation's schools with classroom material that would better assimilate our children into the borderless economy of today.

W: I tell you what I feel the need for, Goose. I feel the need!....c'mon, say it with me Goose...The need for speed!
MG: (i flip out) That's it! Interview's over, F#ck this Sh*t, I'm done! (I walk away)
W: Ah, Goose. C'mon I was just playing...Goose! GOOSE!!!!NO!!!!!!

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on....What the Hell is Trisodium Phosphate? And Why the Hell is it In My Cookie Crisp?

2007-03-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on.... is an editorial section from the mind of the annoying guy that has to tell me his retarded ideas and theories about the world while I take the bus to work. I have tried to take other buses to get away from him, but he waits for me now. Unless I walk the fifteen miles, I am stuck hearing them. So now are you, if you choose to read them.

I don't know who you are or what you want Trisodium Phosphate....but stay the eff out of my Cookie Crisp! You think you are so awesome because you got some cool name "Science" gave you! And you better have some goddamn good reason for being the 25th listed ingredient in my choice breakfast food! You probably think you're so great because you're listed before Vitamin B6 Pyridoxine Hydrochloride on the box, well you know what ass?..I would probably sleep with Vitamin B6 Pyridoxine Hydrochloride..but I wouldn't even look twice at you, you pompous jerk!

I swear to God, Trisodium Phosphate, you better hope I never extract you from all the other ingredients, because if I do, I am going to kick your molecular ass! Bring it, Mutha humper!

1 Out of 10 Doctors Won't Lower Their Standards for Money.

2007-01-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

(9 out of 10 doctors are sell-outs)
A recent study by The New England Journal of Doctors has shown that a whopping 90% of doctors recommend a product over its competitors if that product is presented to them in a bottle marked with green paper which has a depiction of Benjamin Frankin on it. Dr. John Germain headed the study which researched 2000 doctors all across America.

"We first laid out ten different brands of the same product and not one doctor could agree which, if any, was the best one, " explained Dr. Germain, " Then when we marked one with two $100 bills, which we told them they could keep if they chose that particular one as the far superior product, 9 out of 10 agreed that that specific product was indeed superior to the others."

Dump Digest asked Dr. Richard Cornrow why he had switched from his original choice to the newly marked one. " I had ..um...See I had lost track and had..um...I just said the wrong one. So when they marked the one bottle with the green paper, I tried that one again, and realized it was the product I had originally picked as the best. Hands down, it was clearly the right choice for me to make."

Dr. Elizabeth Green was the only doctor not to choose the marked bottle. "Honestly, I don't even think that marked one was medicine, in fact I am pretty sure it was a Good' N' Plenty."

Dump Digest would like to suggest that the public seriously investigate which product 1 out of 10 doctors recommend and use that one.

Shannen Doherty Already in Spat with Co-host O'Donnell. 2 Months Before They Meet.

2006-07-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

It's just under two months before Shannen Doherty and Rosie O'Donnell start as co-hosts on ABC's The View, but that hasn't stopped Doherty from already causing tension on the set between her and her future colleague.

A show insider has informed DD that the mood on the set has been glim since last week when Doherty, who has not actually been to the set, was rumored to have said about O'Donnell, "I can't work with that bitch anymore. I am the star people wanna see, but yet all I hear around the set I've never been to is "Ms. O'Donnell this' and 'Ms. O'Donnell that'. Meanwhile, I hear that a soundguy called me Shannen. Can you believe that. Shannen! How dare he call me by my name!"

O'Donnell had this reply to Doherty's comments, "Whatever Brenda! Why don't you act like I am that guy you met in Paris, you can pretend to be French and French Kiss my fat ass."

The two both say they plan to start the season on time and without incident, and both agree they contribute to the long standing The View tradition of making men's ears bleed.

The Big F-YOU!

2006-07-06T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Who eats D.O.T.S?)
We all need to vent sometimes, but Scott Carter (DD's society editor), needs to vent more than all of us. Dump Digest will now feature Scott's frustration in our new editorial-- The Big F-YOU!

Here's The Big F-YOU! to the vending machine guy at my work. Not only do you show up when you feel like it, to replace the stale food you put in the machine, but you fill it with the most asinine products. Is there a mountain in my building I don't know about? Cause you got 3 effin rows of trail mix, assmuncher? Fill that bitch with some Ho Ho's, or some Chocolate Juniors.

Also, I was not included in the survey you apparently gave out where everyone voted for a row of Chuckles. There's something about feeling my teeth rot as I'm eating those things that makes them that much less appetizing.

I have a solution to this problem, though. I'm sure you're familiar with the "How's My Driving" bumper stickers on the back of delivery trucks. I propose a "How's My Vending Filling Abilities" number be placed on machines across the land. That way, I can call and express my discontent with the products YOU have chosen for ME! I've got enough stress to deal with here, and I don't need the added frustration of not being able to get what I want from your "Diabetes Box".

Shape up, vending boy, or your precious machine will end up smashed to pieces in the work parking lot... As soon as I can find a forklift to get that bitch out of the building.

(Written by Scott Carter, DD Society Editor)

Guy Buys Everything at Rite-Aid

2006-06-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Home Of Crap)

"Yeah, Let me get a pack of Newports......and that box fan up there...and the DVD player and the patio set," said Michael Bradley in his local Rite-Aid.

Michael, 57, realized a year ago that anything he needs for his house can be bought from the shelves behind the counter at his local Rite-Aid. Making his shopping fast and easy and his house a collection of crappy non-matching crap.

"Oh god! They have everything at Rite-Aid...TV's, radios, walkmen, pots, vibrators, plastic furniture, sonogram machines, milk, bread. Last week I swear they were selling an 8-year old chinese kid. I wouldn't doubt it. I love that place!, " said Michael.

Michael has even built a fine cd collection through Rite-Aid's magnificent collection.

"John Tesh Does Christmas, Ace of Base: Greatest Hits, Los Lobos Sings Sinatra, and I even found the rare Don Johnson:Live cd."

So remember when you have to find a gift last minute for someone you hate, just look under the window behind the counter at Rite-Aid and go crazy.

The Big F-YOU!

2006-05-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Hey A**face! Act like you've actually been
to a drive thru before!)
We all need to vent sometimes, but Scott Carter (DD's society editor), needs to vent more than all of us. Dump Digest will now feature Scott's frustration in our new editorial-- The Big F-YOU!

Here's The Big F-YOU! to the lady in front of me at the Wendy's drive-thru. First off, you spent a good 3 minutes at the speaker box ordering your effin' lunch; I don't know, maybe you knew the person in the box, and you decided to do a little catching up during "everyones" lunch hour. Then, you overshot the window and had to reach awkwardly backwards to pay for your meal. FYI-- cars now come with a reverse function. It's the little "R" that's on the gearshift, not there for show a**hole....Try it out sometime. Last but in no way least, you couldn't wait to eat your food, so you decided right then was an awesome time to start shoveling fries in your mouth, while a line piled up behind you. Congratu-f**kin-lations lady! You successfully ruined my lunch break!

(Written by Scott Carter, DD Society Editor)

Baby Zahara Jolie-Pitt Pissed About Being Back in Africa.

2006-05-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Get me the Eff Outta Here!)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been holed up in a compound in Africa for the past weeks awaiting the arrival of their first child together. While most of the couple's family are ecstatic, not all are sharing the bliss.

Baby Zahara, Jolie's adoptive daughter, who is from Africa, is quite upset at being back in the motherland.

"What the F**k! This bit*h is crazy. Have you seen my house? We got top of the line everything; weight room, sauna, three pools, 72-inch Plasma, a personal chef that makes great baby food.. not that Gerber mush. So....What the hell is she doing in Africa?!? What the sh*t, I didn't sign up for this crap, " vented Zahara in an exclusive interview translated through expert baby interpreter Phil Seymour.

"If she wanted me to walk around with flies all up in my eyes and sh*t, why'd she even adopt me. I had a nice middle-class family wanting to adopt me. I thought, hell Angelina Jolie.. I'm going with her, to hell with the Joneses, I movin on up like George and Weezy. Now I am starting to think I should have slummed it in that three bedroom colonial in Long Island; That's better than traveling to all these places where I gotta wear my baby Louis Vuitton bullet-proof vest, ducking land mines with Maddox and them," added Zahara.

Drunken Guys Believe Killer Was "Retarded". They So Would Have Done It Better.

2006-05-01T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Edwards, Co.-Home of Closet Psycopaths)
Three 24 year olds from Edwards, Colorado, a rural community outside Vail, expressed their views on a local murderer John Stevens by proclaiming that Stevens was a complete idiot in his act. Stevens was found guilty of murdering his wife after DNA evidence proved it was Stevens blood that was found under her fingernails.

"What an effin moron. Doesn't he watch CSI? Doesn't he watch any TV? Gloves jerkface! Gloves! First rule of committing any crime. Also I think he should have done it during the day and not at their house, so as to not put him at the scene of the crime. Seriously, no way I would have gotten caught," said Josh Bloomfield, 24, the self proclaimed "King of the Mountain" and "Party Man 2006".

None of the young men seemed to feel sorry for the victim's death or her family; only anger at the husband's stupidity in getting caught.

"Oh he's 'retarded'. What I would've done is fixed her car in a way that was normal auto malfunction, like draining the brake fluid. We gotta lot of windy, hilly roads around here. Make it really happen on "accident", you know? Doing it yourself just gives you too many tracks to cover," added friend Michael Jefferson; a man who works at the 7-11 during the day and spends his evenings smoking weed and shooting stray cats.

We asked other locals there thoughts on the horrific murder. None seemed to express sympathy for the murdered wife's family, while all seemed to be closet professional killers.

"I woulda' hired a hitman, like a guy on The Sopranos"...."I would've lightly poisoned her food with household cleaning products and blamed it on poor ventilation."...."I drowned mine in a hot tub on vacation, went out to the store, came back and acted like I found her that way....I mean I would have done that," were sample responses from the locals.

That last guy caused this reporter to get the hell out of Edwards and return to the sanctity and safeness of urban Philadelphia.

Roadwork Employee Takes Time-Out From Cellphone to Fill "Stupid" Pothole.

2006-04-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

Darrell Thompson, 22, a roadwork crewmember in Denver, Colorado was quite annoyed on Monday when pressure from a**hole drivers forced him to take time away from talking on his cellphone to fill in a pothole that he was given all day to fill in.

"I just started at 8:00am, and it was only 11:00am at the time. So I am talking to my girl on the phone about developmental drugs that help ease rhumatoid arthritis, when all of a sudden some jerks who were too impatient to wait in the backed up traffic like everyone else started honking and yelling; saying something like ' Hey buddy, they paying you to talk on the phone? Let's get this done already.'," said Darrell.

" I was pissed man. They don't understand. My boss gave me till 5pm to get that hole done. What am I supposed to do? Fill in the pothole before 2pm? Then what? Go back to the office? Sh*t no! I get done early, my boss is going to make me do some other job. I ain't doin' 2 jobs in one day. That crap keeps happening, we're going to run out of holes and they might find out they don't really need me."

"I'd like to see them do my job. Let's see how they like to sit out in the hot sun all day, getting only $18/hour to do our job. Do they even know how hard it is to act like your doing something for 6 hours, just so you can get a 5 min job done right before your shift's over. Not to mention putting up with morons cryin' about it taking 20 min to get down a mile stretch of road. I didn't tell them to come down this road. Sh*t, they saw the road work signs, they should've taken another road," added Darrell.

Man Unexpectedly Finds Love and Future Baby Mama On Online Dating Site.

2006-04-23T06:00:00.000-04:00

For Gil Diez and Lisa McGough it was a match made in "Imaginary Heavan", which we're pretty sure is just regular heaven. Thanks to TrailerHookup.com, an internet dating site, these two formed a wonderful partnership. Gil, 32 and a grill cook at a popular fast-food chain, and Lisa, 37 and a hair sweeper at a beauty parlor, met through email response after both searched TrailerHookup.com for the exact opposite they received.

"Well I was a little surprised when my Fun Loving, Adventurous, Beauty Pageant Winning NSNDDVSWCF29ISONSNDSWM25-35YO turned out to be 37YO/ 290lbs. ex-prostitute drug addict mother of 10, that is still on parole for the next six years; but then I guess I wasn't exactly truthful. I said I don't smoke and I do light up the occassional Swisher Sweet Vanilla Cigar, so it didn't feel right to be judgemental, " said Gil of his initial meeting of Lisa.

"Gil wasn't exactly what he said to be either. He said people say he looks like Brad Pitt. True while they both have hair and are white, last time I checked Brad Pitt did not wear braces and have a size 48 waist. I am not certain, but I am pretty sure Brad Pitt doesn't still wear "Spuds McKenzie Rocks Spring Break '88" t-shirts either. Gil is actually a very sweet guy; we hit it off really well and I am sure it won't be long before I will start receiving child support payments from him as well, " said Lisa.

Literally 100's of other people have found pure white-trash love on TrailerHookup.com says site founder and client Warren T. Murphey.

"This sites great, I actually founded it 'cause of my goiter. See I needed to find a lady that liked the goiter, ya' see. That's when I set this thing up and founds my first ex-wife Trudy. She was a freaky summa'bitch; she aint care nuttin about 'dat goiter. Hell, She had three her own. But we's broke up on account here husband got outta jail. So I found me...., " said Murphey.

"I am sorry....I have to vomit.....can I just use your...uh...outside please?, " I interrupted.

Seeing this story was going nowhere I just decided to stop with this report. Best wishes to Gil and Lisa.

Name Society Agrees "Harold" is Worst Name.

2006-04-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

The National Society Of Names, in Greenwich, Conn., has revealed this week that the name "Harold" is outright the crappiest name in use. Narrowly beating out "Lemonade", "Harold" ranks at the top of the worst. We got in touch with Dr. Nicholas Robert McCorkle, head of the study, and head nameologist at the NSN.

"The name Harold, we've found, is stupid. It's origins are Nordic, meaning "ruler of war", but the name has since come to mean "smarmy a**hole with glasses", or "psychotic loner ex-nerd", in modern America," said McCorkle.

" This has become evident in Harold Ramis, Harold "Harry" Anderson for the first description, and "Dirty Harry" for the second. Usually Harold's try to escape their fate of nerdiness by calling themselves "Harry" or "Hal", but they are not fooling anyone, we know you are really just a stupid "Harold"...oh god!...just saying that name gives me the chills of scraping styrofoam...I hate it! Why do parents punish their kids this way?"

The study was conducted by polling 20,000 Americans during a 2yr. period. Which has DD wondering why anyone would waste their time doing idiotic, crappy work no one really cares about....then we shut up and continued to do just that.

Harold also beat out Madison, Conner, Clitoris, Stephen(only with the "ph"), Gauge, Jerkface, Thurston, and Ghonereah to round out the top ten worst Names.

"Movie Theater Attendance Down Due to Poor Ticket Sales," says NATO Heads.

2006-03-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

(Recent showing of Pink Panther)
The National Association of Theater Owners, NATO, has announced on Sunday that the reason for poor attendance at movies is simply poor ticket sales.

"We believe that once ticket sales grow, then too will attendance. We have many graphs and charts with bright colors and zig-zag lines that show a direct correlation between the decline in ticket sales and the decline in attendance. You can't argue with that kind of proof. So what we have to do is focus on ticket sales, not attendance. I mean...Honestly, who would buy a ticket and not attend?..That's just silly. We need to find a way to get people to buy tickets, and we believe if we achieve that, attendance is sure to follow." said NATO spokesperson Debbie Haslem.

Some critics say that the problem with attendance is simply a poor product and too many sequels and remakes. NATO's President thought otherwise.

"We offer quality movies such as The Hills Have Eyes, The Shaggy Dog and She's the Man.," said NATO head John Fithian. "Who would not want to pay $10/seat to see a remake of an excellent film starring talentless B & C-list actors and corny, subpar writing. You show me the person who would not, and I will gauge my eye with a leaky pen."

After lowering my raised hand and offering him a hankercheif for his bludgeoned eye, Fithian concluded with, "We feel strong that 2006 will be the year of many great remakes we will market and show a lot. We also promise some really amazing independents that we will only show if they get an Oscar nod."

Man Gets Lost on Way Back From Mall Bathroom.

2006-03-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Rex Hottelsan, 33, of Danville, Illionois, tells Dump Digest the sheer trauma he endured while getting lost at the Tippecanoe Mall in Lafayette, Indiana. His troubles began when he first felt the tingle signaling an urgency to use the urinal. This would begin two hours of pure trauma to find his way out of the maze that is the long hallway to the restrooms in most U.S. malls. Dump Digest Investigates!

Dump Digest: Rex, tell us how your ordeal began.

Rex Hottelsan: Well it all began when I drank a super-sized Coke with my #2. You see the sheer size caused my bladder to swell...

DD: Let's just start when you got to the bathroom hallway.

RH: Okay. Well I got to the hallway and noticed it was very long and no people or bathroom to be found. I began down the hallway as the mall elevator music began to fade with each step. Silence began to triumph and I became a little scared. I made a series of lefts which really should have brought me back to the beginning I suppose, but oddly it did not.

DD: I can relate, those halls are confusing and weird.

RH: I continued down the path made a few rights and a left at a fork in the path. After about five minutes of this hallway I ran into a janitor and asked for directions. He said, 'right down this hall last door on the right.' I finally reached the bathroom and it was locked. Now I really had to pee , so I tried the ladies room; it too was locked. I decided to pee into the empty Coke cup I still carried and placed it in front of the bathroom door.

DD: That's nasty. You are aware of that, right? Anyways, continue.

RH: The real horror began on the way back. I continued back the way I came only to face another fork, which is odd b/c that is actually impossible. I heard the janitor's cartwheels moving and began to follow those. Completely lost I found a doubledoor and entered. What I saw frightened me beyond belief. I was now in a room with a poker game going on and seated at the table were Patrick Swayze's brother, the guy who played Kevin on Mr. Belvedere, and my fourth grade math teacher. All people who had vanished in the late 1980's.

DD: That's unbelievable....I am shocked...you made it past fourth grade and you can not navigate a mall hallway. Go ahead, continue.

RH: Scared I ran back through the door and found myself in new hallway with arrows pointing to an exit. Reaching the exit I opened the door and was now across the street in an Applebees. Now 2 hours later from my start, I headed back to the mall and rejoined my friends who were unaware of my absence.

DD: Very interesting story, Rex. Thank you very much, and I hope you get your LSD addiction under control.

RH: You don't believe me, Burt? Oh it happened! America needs to know what dangers lurk in the bitter, hollow halls of the U.S.'s malls.

DD: I believe you, Rex. America does not.

"Throwback" Jersey Makers Introduce "Throwaway" Jerseys

2006-03-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

Stitchell & Mess, makers of "Throwback" sports jerseys have introduced a new line of jerseys, the "Throwaway" Jersey, honoring the biggest busts in NBA history.

If you were one of the retards that cheered when Sam Bowie was chosen over Michael Jordan, his jersey is available for you to relive the embarrassing time when you were happy to root for such a scrub. Were you a big Nets fan jumping up and down when they chose Dennis Hopson in 1987, over the likes of Reggie Miller and Scottie Pippen? Well, his jersey is there also, now you can wear it and cheer him on while he fills up your gas tank on Route 9.

Stitchell & Mess says that they came up with the idea after they purchased the jerseys through a warehouse liquidation sale. Other jerseys available include: Miichael Olowokandi, Shawn Bradley, Eric Montross, Pervis Ellison, Rick Robey and Laron Profit.

Company Introduces Toothpaste-Flavored OJ.

2006-03-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

There is finally an end to the wincing that occurs when drinking your morning OJ after brushing your teeth. Florida Orange Drink Co. has introduced new Coldate Toothpaste flavored Tropicano orange juice. By taking out half the citric acid and replacing it with toothpaste, Tropicano has eliminated nutritional value while putting an end to the sour, disgusting taste you've hated since childhood.

It comes in three flavors to match your particular Coldate toothpaste. It is guaranteed safe for those with dentures. Which is a good thing, because anyone who drinks this crap will surely need them after the mixture of acid and fluoride strips the natural enamel right off those pearly whites of yours.

Ukrainian Baby Just Misses Out on Figure Skating Medal.

2006-02-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

(Always the showman,
Svetlana smiles as she
performs a triple axle)

Svetlana Putrushka, 1.9 years old, of the Ukraine skated a beautiful free skate but still fell short of a medal on Thursday. "Air" Svetlana, as she is known in the Ukraine, has been skating since the tender age of 1.1 years old; that is when the Ukraine's lone figure skater was injured and Svetlana was the only obvious choice to replace her.

Taken from her parents, the next eight months consisted on intense training to burn off all the babyfat, teach her to skate, and make her an Olympic darling.

"When I first receive Svetlana....she was soft...tender, almost like baby. I was saying that I can no work with this. But once I saw her in her cute little outfit and skates, I just knew a star was born," said Nikoli Tolstoy, Svetlana's coach and trainer.

So began the journey of this tiny prodigy. It was hard to work in training sessions between her 3 daily naps and 10 hours of sleep a night. But when her cute little eyes were open, they were focused on gold.

"When she first fell, I say, 'Get Up!' You know? 'Get up, stop crying like little infant, you are an Olympian, act like one!' I was harsh on her, but it was because I care. I knew she was not trying hard enough, it was almost like she did not want to be there. It wasn't until she first hit a double axle that she started to taking to it. The joy she felt, she kept wanting to feel. You know, then it was no more diaper changing every hour, no more 'WAH! Baba!' you know, asking for bottle. None. All she want now was skate.," added Tolstoy.

Then came Turino. And shine Svetlana did. She hit all of her jumps and ran a flawless routine. But the degree of difficulty hurt her and she had to settle for 24th place.

"We are excited about future. She is still young you know. She still maybe have six..seven Olympics left in her. We just practice harder and come back in 2010 for gold," said Tolstoy.

Alito's In ; Planned Parenthood Has 2 for 1 Clearance.

2006-02-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Due to Samuel Alito's appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court, Planned Parenthood (PP) has started planning for the future. They unvieled their new slogan for abortion procedures on Wednesday. "Get 'Em While Their Legal" is the new slogan enticing woman to hurry up and get an abortion before they will have to wait to pick up their dry cleaning to get one. Accompanying the slogan, PP has announced a 2 for 1 clearance on all abortions.

"If you've always wanted an abortion, but haven't gotten around to it yet, now is the time. Go out and have promiscuous sex with random hot guys now, because you might be stuck with an eight pound crying machine in about two years or less, " said Kate Mayo, a PP spokesperson. "As for the poor teenagers stuck in that vicious cycle of lower class circumstances, let's just hope you get lucky and get taken advantage of by some older guy in time to get a legal abortion. Once they are gone, that cycle is going to go full circle a lot quicker."

Hagg said that the 2 for 1 deal is valid only on abortions of equal or less trimester. It is not transferable and free abortion must be used within 60 days.

DD Top Five Funniest Movies

2006-02-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

5. Silver Streak: (Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder)
George Caldwell: I can't pass for black.
Grover Muldoon: Who you tellin'?I didn't say I was gonna make you black. I said I was gonna get you on the train. Now we got to make them cops think you're black.
[rubs shoe polish on George's face]
George Caldwell: It'll never work. Never.
Grover Muldoon: What, you afraid it won't come off?

4. Coming to America: (Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall)
Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit.

3. National Lampoon's Vacation : (Chevy Chase)
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.

2. Blazing Saddles: (Gene Wilder, Cleavon Little)
[Bart and Jim are wearing KKK outfits to infiltrate the enemy's lynch mob]
Jim: [spotting Bart's black hands] How many times have I told you to wash your hands after a weekly cross burning?
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: For my next impression, Jesse Owens.

1. Dumb and Dumber: (Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels)
Lloyd: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing.
Lloyd: That John Denver is full of shit, man.

Michael Benson Tops Noms for Extra's Academy Awards with 5 Nods.

2006-02-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

Lisa Gelaso in Crash (white shirt, background)

On March 31, 2006, the Hometown Buffet in Burbank, Ca will host the 25 Annual Extra's Academy Awards. The ten-hour annual awards ceremony recognizes excellence in blending into the background of motion pictures. Michael Benson leads all nominees with 15 nominations including Best Extra on a Cell Phone, Best Male Eating Dinner at an Adjacent Table, Best Extra Getting into Cab right before Starring Actor at Terminal, Best Henchman Guarding Compound, and Best Irritated customer (non-speaking). Benson has appeared in 27 movies this year.

"To be recognized for doing the job of not being recognized is truly wonderful. It is a testament to my talent that I was so forgettable, " said Benson.

Lisa Gelaso is the top female nominee garnering 14 nods. Including 3 for her role as a lady in a chic restaurant in Elizabethtown. She is also nominated for Best Bystander Discussing Crime Scene to Neighbor for her role in Crash.

There are 143 categories in this year's awards including new categories Best Animated Extra and Best Extra Partially Cut from Shot. Tune into to extraaa.com for a live feed of the event to see if your favorite extra brings home a Golden Nobody statue.

NASA Rovers Discover Wasted Funds on Mars.

2006-01-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

(For $100, NASA coulda taken a cab to the
desert for this shot)
NASA rovers on Mars made an important discovery on the Red Planet this week. More rocks and dust. This is the 369th straight day that the rovers have found rocks and dust on Mars. While no water or life has been found on Mars yet, NASA scientists have great hopes for the near future of their Mars mission.

"While we have only found small rocks and dust so far, we believe there are bigger and better things that we have not yet discovered on Mars, " said Dr. Bill Fields of NASA, " Most notably, bigger rocks....and better dust. Much larger and finer than the rocks and dust we have previously found ."

Much criticism has come to the Mars mission; mostly by Parent Groups who believe the Mars mission's money could be put to better use. Dr. Fields responded to this criticism.

"We could waste money feeding the poor or rebuilding our schools, or we can put that money into something really necessary. Mars Rocks! I don't mean that Mars does Rock...it totally does by the way... I mean the precious mineral rocks of Mars that are indeed more important than some silly three year old who hasn't eaten in a week. You know what? Mars Rocks don't even need school...Or food. All they need is money. Lots of money. Without money, how would NASA find more? We wouldn't. And who would want to live in a world without Mars Rocks? Not me people."

We later ensured Dr. Fields that he did, in fact, live in a world without Mars Rocks. To which he responded by jumping out of the window to commit suicide. What a sad day for NASA. One of its scientists, whose theories on Mars have cost taxpayers billions of dollars, actually thought he could die from jumping out of a first floor window. Our case rests.

Office Jerk Provides Proof Someone Loves Him.

2006-01-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

(Al addressing co-workers)
Anyone at Dunglee Mortgage will tell you, Al Mays is a jerk. He is known around the office as the guy who looks for the bad side to any positive. He is always there to provide an inappropriate quip to ruin your good moments. It has been said many times by many people, "I hate you Al, and so does everyone else. No one loves you. You Al...you are a jerk."

On Thursday Al got tired of everyone thinking that nobody loves him and he decided to do something about. He brought in proof.

"Here they are people," shouted Al at the entire office as he shuffled through his proof, "Birthday cards...Christmas cards...Valentine's Day cards...here's an Earth Day card for crying out loud! All addressed to me and signed, "Love Mom". You hear that people, "Love Mom"! So next time you all wanna talk crap about me not getting any love, just take a look at these posted on my cubicle, and shove your false comments up your a**."

Everyone at the office listened to Al and took ten good seconds to digest it, then went back to work. Later we talked to Al's co-workers to get their take on Al's proof.

"I used to think Al was a jerk. Now I know he is a jerk...and a moron. Al Mays is a moronic jerk," said Betty Mack in accounting.

"Who the hell sends an Earth Day card? Al's mom is retarded. No wonder that guy's an idiot," said Martin Freebush in IT.

"I saw those cards. Al signed those himself. That ass used the Star Trek symbol to dot his i's. I went to his apt. once, that place is Star Dork wall-to-wall. His mom is like 85, she doesn't know the Star Trek symbol, " said Harry Ashlique, Al's boss.

Al had this to say about Harry's theory, " Harry doesn't even know, okay! My mom sent those cards. He is just mad because his mom hasn't love him since he revealed that he is gay and marrying a Jewish guy. Double no-no for little catholic boy. I have set up an apology box for sorry notes from those who said I was not loved. I will be expecting one from everyone, so just drop it off anytime."

Fak* Nws Sit Loss Kyboard Button.

2006-01-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

Missing sinc* 1.9.2006
Things w*nt crazy at the Dump Dig*st offic* on Monday night wh*n som* j*rk stol* th* * button from th* offic*'s lon* k*yboard. It could not com* at a worst tim* than two minut*s b*for* Burt b*gan typing a story about *l*m*ntary *ducation in *x*t*r, *ngland.

Burt is not blaming anyon*, but h* do*s b*li*v* th* p*rson r*sponsibl* has th* nam* that ryhm*s with D**n Shimsdal*. I, I m*an Burt, is not mad; I--h* just wants th* fr*akin button back so I...okay this is Burt...Giv* m* back th* godamn k*y Sh**n, you asshol*. This pr*ssing shift crap *v*ry tim* I writ* an * (that last * was r*ally an * not an *, sorry to confus*) is giving m* an *ffin cramp. I want that button back on th* k*yboard by tonit* or I am calling th* cops.

News In Pics!

2006-01-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

President Bush Interrupted a meeting on the Iraq War to describe just how large Jessica Simpson's breasts were in The Dukes of Hazzard.
"I mean those are some great funbags, America," said President Bush, "They are great. I swear Wyatt and Gary made that pair on their computer. Remember that, America? The had the bras on their heads and Wyatt was like, 'Gary, by the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?'. And then Gary was like, 'Ceremonial.' That was classic!...Anywho, what were we talking about again?"
"Iraq, Mr President," said VP Cheney
"You sure? I thought we were talking about boobs."
"Nope, definitely Iraq."

Laura Bush and Condi Rice begin a game of hide and seek at The White House on Friday. Condi is shown as the hider. She has won 182 consecutive games by hiding in the only spot she knows no one in the Bush camp will look. In the Constitution of the United States.

Local "Cool Guy" Credits Peer Pressure to His Success.

2006-01-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Harry Thomas is cool way beyond his 19 years of life. But Harry could not have his reputation without a little help from friends and a lot of help from peer pressure. It was peer pressure that pushed him to do all the extremely stupid things that have made him a legend in many teenagers' minds.

"Oh yeah, I owe a lot to peer pressure. God, I definitely wouldn't have started smoking and drinking if my friends weren't. That time I ate a whole jar of mayonnaise at Moose's party, peer pressure. All the things I own that I can't afford: my car, my designer clothes, my awesome sunglasses; if it weren't for peer pressure I would never have gotten such high interest credit cards to pay for all of them," explained Harry while sitting on his 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder.

"If it weren't for peer pressure, I would probably be some nerd sophomore in college, rather than a really awesome 6th year senior in high school. Peer Pressure has taught me the important life lesson that it is much more important to have friends than an education. Could college get me a job at the skate rink where all the hottie 9th graders hang out? Don't think so! Does college pay you $7.50/hr plus free tokens for the arcade? Nope!"

We asked local teens at the Skate Factory what they thought about Harry.

"Harry? That guy that's like 23? That guy is a creepy loser. He's always asking us if we wanna take a ride in his car he calls The Blue Dragon. Oh yeah..he is reeeallll cool....5 years ago," said Jessica Blatz, 15.

"Dude, Harry is the coolest! This guy has awesome clothes, a cool car, great sideburns; what's not to like about him? He totally makes me pressured to be just like him. I want high interest credit cards, too," said Tim Dresin, 17.

Sneaky Brother Trades Little Sister 2 Pennies for 1 Quarter, Again. Finally Has Enough for Pokemon Cards.

2005-12-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

A Quincy, Illinois 11 Year old successfully made another 23 cents off his 5 year old sister when he tempted her to trade her old dingy quarter for two shiny new pennies. This being the ninth time this month; Laurence Cohen finally was able to buy the much coveted Pokemon collector's pack. He figures at this rate he'll have the complete set by 2007.

"She falls for crap like that all the time. Last year my scam was getting her to clean my room by teasing her that there was no way she could clean it faster than my record of ten minutes. I began counting at regular speed until she got going. Then right when she was finishing like an hour later I'd be like '9 min 58..9 min 59...10 min.. oh, just missed it 10 min 01 second. So close Becky, I knew you couldn't do it.' The she'd be like "Let me try next week; come on... Come on Laurence, I can beat it!' I ran that scam for about three months till my parents found out and grounded me for a month," said Laurence. "This 2 pennies for a quarter deal, this thing is a gold mine. I am going to have to play this cool if I want the whole Pokemon set."

"Laurence is so dumb," said his naive sister Becky, "He actually gave me two brand new coins for some stupid old one I didn't even want anymore. I hope he doesn't figure out how stupid he is."

Santa Claus to be Tried for Nazi War Crimes.

2005-12-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

Santa at a concentration camp in 1943,
making sure no menorahs were being lit.

Santa Claus will be tried in Geneva next week for war crimes he allegedly committed while a lieutenant in Hitler's Third Reich.

Mr Claus, who then went by Heinrich Klauss, is believed to be the mastermind behind a Nazi propaganda campaign to rid Europe of Chanukah, which he believed was drawing attention away from his time in the spotlight.

The propaganda campaigns included the installment of Santa Soldiers in malls across the world. These soldiers would don Santa uniforms and force parents to have their children sit on Santa's lap and have their pictures taken with him. Parents were then forced to buy wallet sized photos of the pictures and carry them in their wallets as a reminder to never cross Santa and celebrate Chanukah, or their children will be shot. This practice is still very common today, without the mass killing of children of course.

Other propaganda included posting Santa on everything from dinner napkins to Coca-Cola bottles, just as a reminder that Santa was everywhere.

Another way of instilling fear in those who thought of celebrating Chanukah was through the introduction of Santa Loyalty Anthems. Such as :

"He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake.
(translation : big brother-a.k.a Santa-is watching you)
He knows when you been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake"
(translation: don't celebrate Chanukah or Santa's soldiers will kill you).

Santa Claus has denied all allegations and has guaranteed that this trial will not affect any duties he has planned for December 25th. Santa's henchmen , the Elves, have also declined comment.

Narnia Kids Beat the Crap Outta Harry Potter Over Weekend. Narnia Wins at Box Office Also.

2005-12-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

What a weekend it was for nerds. A weekend full of drama, excitement and taking sides. Nerds across America were forced to decide which fake world they would rather believe in. Would it be Narnia, or would it be where ever the hell Harry Potter is from. In an epic battle that included wizardry, talking animals, magical dressers, and a bunch of ugly child actors; it was Narnia which claimed the spot in the hearts of Gen-X'ers still living in the sixth grade.

Raking in well over 60 million, Narnia proved that a little boy with extremely thick eyebrows was no match for a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe. Based on the C.S. Lewis book I was forced to read in the sixth grade, Narnia follows three youngsters through a magical world where they must help the people overcome a fierce dictator and restore the poor people of the land to power. Think the Iraq War, but with mind of a child leading the battle, forgive me, just think the Iraq War.

While I was at the movies to watch Rent for the 13th time, I decided to ask those from both sides why their choice was better.

" Harry Potter is way better. He lives in a mystical world where kids have power and use innocence to overcome the corrupted minds of older villains. Narnia is completely fake, that stuff couldn't really happen; but Harry's magic. That is real my friend," said Scott Thompson, 32, of Lake Grove California, who happened to be wearing a black cloak, round glasses, and Harry Potter Underoos over his jeans.

" Potter Sucks. He should go suck Argus Filch and all the other gay characters. I can't believe I actually used to believe in that Potter crap. Talking animals and a magical portal in an armoire, that's why Narnia is so great and believable. Narnia is a great, mystical world where kids have power and use innocence to overcome the corrupted minds of older villains, " explained Sarah Bloomquist, 27, also of Lake Grove, California.

Based on the looks of the filmgoers and there long drawn out synopsises? ...synopsi? ..synopsiseses? ...descriptions! of the two movies, I believe them to be the same movie. I however have grown up and no longer live in the past. I would rather just watch a good comedy like Starsky and Hutch or The Dukes of Hazard.

Gorillas Go Ape for "King Kong". Give it 2 Unopposed Thumbs Up

2005-12-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

America is buzzing about King Kong due out next Friday. Nowhere is the excitement level greater than in the non-human primate world. This culture has not been so excited about a motion picture since Matt Lablanc played buddy-buddy with Ed.

Here are some reviews from gorilla movie critics:

Two unnoppsed thumbs way up! - Mika - Bronx Zoo

Hooo-Hoo... Hoo Hoo Haaa!!- Charlie - San Diego Zoo

Hoo-Haaa! Haaa-Hoooo-Haaaa!!! Martinique - Philadelphia Zoo

A true masterpiece worthy of the attention of The Lord of the Rings. Jackson has again balanced drama, action, and special effect. Pure Genius! --- Sorry we thought this gorilla was a special albino gorilla, It was just Roger Ebert.

Dump Digest apologizes.

"They" Start Website To Keep You Up-to-Date on Trivial Topics

2005-11-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

(Picture of "They" community c. 1994)
They say it is going to rain tomorrow. They say blueberries are full of antioxidents. They say a glass of wine a day is healthy. We all quote their information, we all believe what they tell us. If we come up with crazy facts to tell someone, we back it up with the proof of truth by saying "They say...". Well just who are "They"? The smartest group of people in the world? You betcha'!

"They" say that "They" are a mysterious international group of experts, living as a remote community, working around the clock to provide you with a variety of information that you can use in conversation to sound interesting and educated. Talking about the duck-billed platypus? "They" say the female duck-billed platypus breastfeeds without benefit of a breast or a nipple.

"They" say that usually you have to wait for the segments on the news between the traffic and sports to find out new things "They" say. Well not any longer. "They" say that "They" have now launched They.com. "They" say that They.com is a new website where users can access over 50,000,000,000 things they have said in past and present. No longer do you have to wait for some tool anchor to tell you what "They" have said.

They.com is available for a mere $5 a month subscription. "They" say that it is the most savvy site on the internet. We say that's a steal to find out what "They" have to say.

Pat Morita Dead At 73. Wax Off Miyagi.

2005-11-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dump Digest would like to thank Pat Morita for giving birth to one of our all-time favorite movie characters. We wish your family well. May you rest in peace.

"We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions."- Mr. Miyagi (1932-2005)

Congratulations! You Are a Moron!

2005-11-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

(I hope this is you Patricia)
37 year old Patricia Driscoll of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Congratulations! You are a moron! I almost got in an accident just because you wanted to get to work five seconds faster. You sped past me on right; just squeezed between me and the car in front of you to get in front of me, almost causing an end to my holiday cheer; all to beat me to the red light that laid ahead. Then you switched lanes again, trying to be Ms. TrafficPro, only to get stuck behind a mass transit bus, I quickly sped up to block you from re-entering my lane again, and you wound up twenty cars behind me anyway.

You are a jerkface and a moron and I hope you hit an icy patch on a narrow, high bridge. Do all drivers a favor and instead of getting stuck behind a bus, just get on one from now on.

Million Mute March Quietly Marches on Washington.

2005-11-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Approximately 900,000 mutes marched on Washington, D.C. on Wednesday, in what was perhaps the largest congregation of mutes ever. They quietly waved their signs in protest against President Bush claiming "President Bush doesn't care about mute people".

The march was organized by the national organization Quiet Riot. It seems the group is still bitter about a 2002 press conference where Bush referred to mutes as "untalkable people" and then engaged in fake sign language and began talking with a deaf accent saying " I feewal ore payin"(I feel your pain.). Bush claims he was trying to reach those people; he thought mutes could talk some of the time and that's how he saw one talk in a movie once.

The march was originally planned to take place three years ago, but it took two years for the group to realize that telephone recruitment of participants was not the way to go. A mass e-mail was circulated instead and then the momentum began.

A Bush spokesperson addressed the crowd saying ,"The president has apologized many times for the incident and is still very sorry. President Bush has even learned a little sign language, and he would like me to share it with all mutes." She then proceeded to stick up both middle fingers at the crowd and then added, " Bush wants you to know he would like you all to shut up about that incident. Oh wait that's right , You already are."

Quiet Riot head, Matthew Thomas, had nothing to say about the event. He did however flash a couple hand gestures toward Bush, which by all the crossing, I am guessing weren't pleasantries.

Death Row Food Critic: Oregon State Penitentiary

2005-11-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

AJ RIP 2005

Never does one savor their food as they do when it's their Last Meal. Dump Digest asked A.J. Daly, convicted murderer, and recent recipient of the Oregan State death penalty to critique his Last Meal and give us a review.

My food arrived at 8:15 pm. I am to be executed at midnight exactly. For my Last meal I had chosen something from each of the four major food groups. It's never to late to look after your health, I told myself. No need to pack on the pounds at the finish line.

My meat was a moderate helping of roasted alligator steak. I chose this because an alligator ate my father when I was 12 and this was my last chance for revenge. For my vegetable I had broccoli sauteed in a wine garlic sauce. I chose broccoli because I like to pretend that the broccoli is one of those walking trees from Lord of the Rings and my finger is one of the Hobbits. I then recited lines from that part of the movie and chuckled at my actions. It was nice entertainment right before I died. My dairy was baked brie. I chose this because it reminded me of the 17 women that I murdered; all of which were named Brie. I saved my grains for dessert. I had a multi-grain muffin with Vermont maple syrup drizzled on top. I chose this because the other day the guard had one and I asked for a piece. He said "No, the only way your getting this is if you ask for it in your Last Meal.", so I did.

My overall review is as Follows:
--The steak was a bit chewy, not as much flavor as I hoped for, and way too much Rosemary.
--The broccoli was, well, it was broccoli. I mean you have to be an idiot to mess up broccoli.
--The baked brie was magnificent. Topped with a brilliant apple chutney, reminded me of heaven, and then that in turn reminded me I was not going there. Kind of a killjoy.
--I only had a bite of the muffin, it was a little dry, that jerk guard probably just saved one of his from the other day.
--I wasn't all together satisfied and I can safely say I will never eat there again.

I have just 2 small requests for the Penetentiary. One, fire the chef you use for Last Meals, the dying deserve more. Secondly, please don't kill me.

Dump Digest would like to thank A.J. for his review. One thing the penetentiary did get right that night, the execution went off on schedule at exactly midnight.

Satan Wins Huge Copyright Lawsuit.

2005-11-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

California-- Satan (on right, with his attorney Dark Lord Adolf Hitler) was granted a $32,000,000,000,000 award when he was victorious in a copyright lawsuit against some of the world's largest corporations. Satan sued over 40 companies that used his name or likeness for products. Listed as major defendants were Drake's Cakes, for their Devil Dogs cakes; Royal Appliance Mfg. Co., for their Dirt Devil vacuums; and Smith Detergents Inc., for their Satan Baby line of baby products.

Satan had documented proof that in 1836, he copyrighted the use of the names Satan, devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, and any other name referencing Satan. He also trademarked all past and future illustrations. With stipulation they be approved by him first. Thousands of companies infringed on this trademark, except for the Elmo character on Sesame Street, which was named and modeled, with permission, after Satans' childhood nickname and appearance.

" It's nice to see that you can still get a fair trial in America, even if you are the Prince of Darkness.", said Satan, in a post trial news conference. "It really wasn't about the money, sure it's nice, but this was about my image. When people think Satan or devil, I don't want them to think about a clean carpets or cleaning a baby's ass. ...(Satan's phone rings)....'Hello. No..no I am at a press conference..I will call you back...Okay! Skim milk and Boca Burgers. I know honey, it's on the list, do you think I am stupid?....I know you didn't say that I was, but wouldn't I have to be....I'll call you later.... I love you, too.' ... Excuse me. Oh Yes..I want people to worship me whole-heartedly, for which I will reward them with lavish gifts and opportunity in their mortal lives. I want to be feared by those who dare cross me. I want my image to be the image of evil and eternal damnation. I am The Prince of Darkness, Ruler of the Damned, King of the Underworld!"

When asked what he will spend the money on, Satan said he will donate some to dictators' armies and also donate to The United Al-queada College Fund, as well as the legal defense of some of America's most corrupt business executives.

News In Pics!

2005-11-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Saddam Hussein sat through another day of boring proceedings during his trial on Wednesday. He spent most of the time staring into space daydreaming, and planning how he can look even more like Nick Tortelli from Cheers.

Mel Gibson spent this week promoting the announcement of his new film Apocolypto, and planning how he could look even more like Saddam Hussein.

President Bush toasted the future king of England today. Bush embarrassed himself twice on the night. First, after ten minutes of speaking loud, clear and slow to the prince; an advisor educated Bush that people from England do speak English. To top it off, Bush toasted to the entire venue, long life and health to Prince Charming and his wife Lady Di.

DENVER (AP) -- Residents of the Mile "High" City have voted to legalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana for adults. In related news, residents also voted to change the name of the city to "Patchouliville".

P & G Introduces New Detergent That Kills Child Sweatshop Germs.

2005-10-18T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Our germs are in your clothes! YUK!)

Many people put on their brand new clothes without realizing the hidden dangers within the fabric. Deep within lie the germs of child sweatshop workers from China to Latin America. While not harmful, child sweatshop germs do leave the stench of horrid human rights violations.

For those who do not wish to walk around wearing the remnants of unethical business practices, Proctor and Gamble introduced their new brand of laundry detergent, Morally Fresh, on Monday. It's guaranteed to kill 100% of child labor germs and make you feel good about wearing clothes made in incomprehensibly tragic ways.

P & G scientists have worked for three years developing a product strong enough to battle the undetectable markings of tired, brittle, pre-adolescent hands. Many formulas were tried, but it wasn't until a scientist accidentally mixed TIDE with a bottle of "Walmart bargain shopper" essence, that a breakthrough was made.

" We found that when people find a bargain, let's say jeans for $10.99, they were likely to overlook the fact that a child had made them." said lead P & G scientist Walter Shabe. “That was the special ingredient that we were looking for in making our detergent. Once added, we saw that under a microscope these germs of child labor were actually disappearing."

Morally Fresh comes in two great scents, Ethically Clean and Look-the-other-way Lemon.

Man Prays for God's Help, Then Curses Him Out.

2005-10-12T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Stanley stuck in rain)

Stanley Johnson, 35, got extremely religious on Tuesday when his car stalled at work. He began praying to God for help starting the car.

"Well the car was not turning over and it was raining pretty bad. Now I don't ask the "Big Guy" for much, so I thought now would be an okay time to call in a favor. I was like 'Please God, just help me this once, you know I don't ask for much. Please start my car God, I'll even go to church this Sunday.' So I turned the key. Nothing. Turned it again. Nothing," said Stanley.

When God did not answer his prayer Stanley turned his back on God.

"I was like "Sh*t! Goddamn stupid Mo**er F*****! Of all the Goddamn times this could happen. Jesus Christ just help me out for crying out loud!', " expalined Stanley describing his reaction to God's rejection of help. " I mean it's not like I ask him for stuff all the time. I don't ask him to help me get rich or help me sleep with the hot girl at work. Just desperate little things like starting my car or helping me beat murder charges, which he helped me out big time with. Thanks again for that God."

Dump Digest tracked down God in New Orleans where he was helping recede the water right before he went back to help earthquake victims in Pakistan.

"Stanley who? Listen I got Earthquakes, mudslides, Hurricanes, an AIDS epidemic, an a whole bunch of other crap to worry about. I don't do car starts. That's why I created AAA; To help me out with crap prayers like that. Stanley, why don't you just use those two wonderful gifts I created for you called feet, and walk to a frickin' bustop. You lazy sack of waste. And by the way, it was Satan who helped you with that murder charge. He created defense attorneys so by default, you'll have to thank him. You'll have plenty of time to thank him when you burn in hell for killing that hooker in Reno."

God has also asked Dump Digest to post this message for him:
Leave me alone with the Bullsh*t Prayers! Okay.

NAACP: Old White People "Acting Black" Still Not Funny

2005-10-07T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Reginald Van Johnson; Gerald Greenberg)

The NAACP sent a message to advertisers and television/movie writers on Thursday. It still is neither acceptable or funny when elderly or "stuck-up" white people imitate hip-hop culture.

NAACP spokesperson Reginald Van Johnson had this to say about the matter, " First off, just because a very high percentage of the people who "act" and "talk" and "dress" the hip-hop lifestyle are young, poor, African Americans; it does not mean all African Americans are that way. Frankly, I don't know the difference between a Shizzle and a Dizzle. I really don't care either."

"Secondly, by working on that stereotype of a young African American; and having the complete opposite ("uppity", older, Caucasian) play that part does not equal funny. In fact, we still view that as racist. Just as we did during the minstrel show days. And if you're gonna do it anyway; please stop using slang from 1995."

Gerald Greenberg, the 64 yr. old Caucasian Head of Marketing for PepsiCo, had this to say about the NAACP statement, "Why they gotta be hatin'. Na' what I mean, son! Cats is just trippin' because we know what's crackalackin' in the streets. For real, son. Reginald Van Johnson, more like Uncle Tom Van Johnson. He's probably one of those Bel Air Richie Rich bitches! Don't hate the player, hate the game!"

Both sides agreed on a compromise on Monday. Caucasians agreed to place an age limit of 45 on Caucasians imitating Hip-hop. NAACP pledged to rid African American stand-up of the impersonation that portrays all Caucasians as "dorky".

Kid Forgets How to Play Memory®

2005-09-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

Darla Givens, a 5 year old Kindergartner at P.S.112, forgot how to play Memory® during recess last week. Baffled teachers and administrators called in professionals to examine the girl.

“This may be the strangest case I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Allen Packerd, a pediatric neurologist from The Univ. of Penn. “Sometimes kids just forget because they’re kids. Sometimes it’s more serious. This is what gets me up in the morning.”

Darla’s teacher first noticed something was amiss when Darla said she didn’t want to play. “I said, ‘Darla, you love Memory®, remember?’ She said that she recognized the cards, but didn’t know what she was supposed to do. It’s sad, really.”

Attempts to question the young student were thwarted by her parents. Through their lawyer they released this statement: “We are deeply troubled by this incident. We feel that this was only a momentary lapse on our beautiful daughter’s part. On the off chance that it was not, we have contracted Dr. Packerd and his entire staff to run as many test as needed on Darla. While she is out of school, Darla hopes that her friends will not forget her.”

As word of this traveled through the grapevine, Milton Bradley®, maker of the game, moved quickly to give Darla every version they have of Memory®. And Milton Bradley® said that they plan to release a Darla version of the game early this fall.

Reported and Written by Field Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Congressman Urges Bill to Allow 56th Trimester Abortions

2005-09-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

Congressman Bill Hartmann (D) has put a bill before the House that will allow abortions up to the 56th trimester. The bill caused a outrage throughout Washington on Thursday.

"I have never been for abortion after the 2nd trimester until recently. However the recent behavior of my 13 yr. old son has helped me see the advantage to such drastic measures like a 56th trimester abortion," said Rep. Hartmann in front of congress on Thursday.

"This child is unbelievable. He sleeps till 1pm on Saturday's. He doesn't listen to me anymore. He was arrested last week on drug charges. He hasn't attended school at all this year. The only way for me to see an end to my personal embarrassment brought on by this child is for him to be aborted."

Rep. Hartmann has said he has tried punishment, therapy, positive reinforcement, time-outs, and monetary payoffs to get his son to act right.

Pro-Life activists descended upon the Capitol Building on Friday to protest the bill.

"I'm sorry, but we simply cannot have abortion at any trimester. If this man, Mr Hartmann, wants to rid himself of his son, there is always adoption. Or he can do things the old fashioned way and hire a hitman to murder him. But, we will not stand for abortion!!!" said National Pro-Life Alliance president, Martin E. Fox.

There were a few supporters who showed up to support Hartmann's bill. The 13 member national organization Hispanic American National Give Abortions to Anyone Regime (or H.A.N.G.A.A.R.) showed up to voice their support.

"We believe in Mr. Hartmann's bill, " said H.A.N.G.A.A.R. president Jose Flores. " These kids nowadays need to be taught a lesson.... Always acting like they know something about this world that adults don't. Maybe if they knew they could still be aborted, they wouldn't act like such jerks."

A vote on the bill is expected next Tuesday.

Congratulations! You Are a Moron!

2005-09-22T06:00:00.000-04:00

Jeffrey Martin, 32, of Englewood Cliffs, NJ. Congratulations! You are a moron!

You called out of work "sick", and then you went to lunch at a popular work restaraunt. Not only did you get caught; but you were sitting behind your boss trashing him , not knowing he was at the table behind you.

Your boss then proved to you he was not an incompetent jerkface with no balls. He fired you and then spit in your beer. You deserve all your misfortunes and we hope you enjoy your visits to the unemployment office.

Jealous Christians Look to Accessorize Like Other Religions

2005-09-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

Muslim women wear hijabs, Jewish men wear yarmulkes, and Sikh men wear turbans. All religions have headwear that symbolize their faith, all but the Christians. Well not anymore. That's thanks to John and Eileen Bohan. Unlike other Christians who have been stuck in a religous style rut for centuries, John and Eileen have brought Christians up to par in the faith-based hat world. They have designed a new headwear called the Jesus Beanie.

There is no better way to represent your Lord and Savior like a rainbow beanie with a crucifix propeller.

"For centuries we Christians have just looked silly when compared to other religions. We looked stupid with our bare heads. Now with the Jesus Beanie we no longer need to literally bow our heads shamefully," slurred a noticebly excited and noticebly intoxicated John Bohan.

"And on the 2,361,873,502,746,923,471,268,469 day God made Jesus Beanies ," proclaimed Rev. James Viviano of the First, Second, and Third Evangelical Church of Ellsworth, MN, "and so hath thy head been covered in the name of Our Father, Jesus Christ, amen."

Jesus Beanies have inspired people of other faiths to take another look at Christianity.

"I turned my back on Christianity because being a Christian meant being against homosexuality. I now know that is no longer true; because those Christians sure look real gay in those retarded-ass beanies. Is that a crucifix on top?" said 17 yr. old athiest Daniel McRancey.

All of the Jesus Beanies have been purchased in the so-called Red States. Mainly because these Christians buy into almost anything that is done in the name of God. (ie. KKK, George W. Bush, Pat Robertson)

Comedian Kills 3 with Set, Others not Really Amused

2005-09-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

Indian stand-up comic Greg Chupta amused only 3 out of 125 people in attendance during his set at the Detroit club Funny Ha-Ha on Friday. His amazingly unfunny set included "jokes" about unpaid dowries, unsacred cows, and impersonations of Bollywood stars; They only seemed to connect with his 3 family members in attendance.

"They were laughing on the inside, I'm sure of it. C'mon how could you not laugh when I said Chingra Patel looks like an Indian Monica Lewinsky, I mean c'mon she looks just like her. It's so funny, the resemblance," said Chupta after the show. "and my Knock-Knock joke: Knock Knock--Who's There?--Greg--Greg Who?--Greg Thomas!!! See they thought I was going to say Chupta, but I didn't. I said Thomas. Ah--so funny!"

I assured Greg that he wasn't really telling jokes or making people laugh; as much as wasting precious oxygen and impersonating a sleeping pill during his set.

He laughed and said he would have to use that. Good luck at the Apollo in Harlem next week, Greg.

Rookie Gets a No-Hitter

2005-09-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Joey Banks Gets a Double in first)

Simon Avery, 16, may be the first person ever, let alone a rookie, to get a no-hitter in mailbox baseball history.

Avery was very excited after passing his driver’s license test. He figured a celebratory joy ride with his friends was not only called for, but needed. After everyone was loaded in the ’84 Corolla, it wasn’t long before the shenanigans started.

“We were like, yelling at girls, spitting at cars, you know…guy sh*t,” said Mark Sample, who initially had “shotgun”. Joey Gordon concurred, “You can only get flipped off by so many girls before you want to hit something. That’s when I suggested we play mailbox baseball.”

Simon had no idea how to play, but acted like he did so as not to embarrass himself. “I was great,” said Simon. “Swerving for curveballs, hitting the gas for fastballs. I even slid on some leaves for a slider. Couldn’t figure out how to do a change-up, though.” Simon figured something was up after the 3rd inning when his friends starting laughing.

“Nobody told me the point was to let them hit the mailboxes,” Simon said. “Not even Joey, and I covered for him when he sh-arted in school yesterday. I’m so ashamed. And angry. I should kick Joey right in that dirt ass of his.”

No one was injured during the hijinks, at least not physically; Because I know you are really dying on the inside. Aren’t you Simon?

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

Reported and Written by Field Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on....The Gas Prices

2005-09-12T06:00:00.000-04:00

Rodney Pinkerton's Thoughts on.... is a new editorial section from the mind of the annoying guy that has to tell me his retarded ideas and theories about the world while I take the bus to work. He reminds me of that really annoying person in your class that would answer every question with such conviction and smugness whether he knew the answer or not. Usually he only pretends to know. I have tried to take other buses to get away from him but he waits for me now. Unless I walk the fifteen miles I am stuck hearing them. So now are you if you choose to read them.

You know what I think? I think these gas prices suck. Yeah you heard me, I said the s-word. But I am angry, so forgive me. I don't know why they are so high, I mean everyone knows that Kimono Dragons urinate oil. Why don't we just set up shop in Kimono and refine the dragons' urine into gasoline? Why not? Because the secretly government-funded PETA and other groups don't want us to exploit the precious animals.

Also Exxon and Shell have recently begun work on a new form of energy. It is called "Solar Energy". These mad geniuses are actually harvesting energy from the Sun's rays. If ever found out and perfected, the oil companies would be obsolete, and Oil Co. Execs would have no front to go to Saudi Arabia and bet on Camel Races.

Lastly I end with this. The gas companies have inflated prices so that when the price of oil goes down, everybody will be happy to pay $2.25 for a gallon. The price we were complaining about less than a year ago, will be the price we will be elated to pay. It's all a sneaky way for big oil to ultimately raise the price without customer dissatisfaction.

I know what I have said is a lot to take in. So just read it over again, slowly. My intellect is sometimes beyond those of "normal people" so email Dump Digest if you have any questions or need anything explained.

(DD is aware it's Komodo dragon, but Rodney doesn't.)

Couple has Triplets

2005-09-09T06:00:00.000-04:00

After 1 miscarriage and many more failed attempts at getting pregnant, Jay and Kay Spelling of Wind Gap, PA, are the proud new parents of triplets. The 3 girls each weighed in at 3 lb, 3 oz. and were healthy enough to spend their first night together in the nursery.

“Amazingly, my s-s-sperm seem to st-st-stop and go j-j-just like my sp-sp-speech,” said the proud father. “We n-n-never stopped believing. I’m s-s-so happy,” added Mrs. Spelling. The Spellings are known around town as “Sputter” and “Mutter” because they both suffer from stuttering.

Due to their affliction, naming the girls was actually quite easy. ”Since tech-tech-technically they are our sec-sec-second, th-th-third and fourth babies, and because of our-our-our speech imped-ped-pediment, their names are Bebe, Cece, and Dede. That should w-w-work,” said Jay at this afternoon’s press conference.

This isn’t the first time the Spelling’s have been in the media spotlight. In 1995, they were co-valedictorians of their senior class. They had to stave off 3 lawsuits trying to stop them from giving their speeches. The successfully fended off the suits and presented their speeches; each speech lasting at least an hour. Then in 2000, Kay won the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at a Reading Phillies game. After much protest, Kay’s rendition made Roseanne Barr’s crotch-grabbing version seem like opera.

It is too early to tell if the triplets will stutter, or resent their parents, but this much is true: They will be told to death how much they’re l-l-loved.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Bush Wants To Open Giant WaterPark to Pay for Katrina Releif.

2005-09-06T06:00:00.001-04:00

In perhaps the worst idea ever, President Bush has came up with a plan to turn New Orleans into one giant waterpark with admission going directly to the Red Cross Hurricane relief effort.
"Super Fun Waterworld is only going to open until the water is gone. It's not like it's going to be a permanent structure, " said Bush to a mob of angry reporters. " Operating costs of the park will be close to zero because the water is already there and so are all the exciting rides. Speaking of the rides their is going to be Sailboat Falls where you can shoot down one of the levees on your giant wood sailboat. Then there is Driftwood River, a lazy river ride where you simply float around the park on driftwood. And then you can ride around on metal Ski-Doos and fight against water pirates trying to steal your clean water. And Dennis Hopper will be there, and also that chick from The Firm, too. All the proceeds from admission go directly to the Red Cross."
Bush ignored all questions surrounding hepititis, bacteria, dead bodies, disease, and death.
"I don't even know what to say, except I cannot believe this man is seriously the leader of the free world," said irrate mother of two Laura Bush. " To think I actually married this man and brought children that are half-him into this world. It makes me sick that I actually sleep next to him once a month."
The White House released this statement exactly ten minutes after Bush's impromptu news conference detailing his plan:

"President Bush would like to apologize for his plan. He was simply throwing out all possible ideas for relief aid. While he realizes how insensitive he was being, he would like to place all the blame on Kevin Costner. Mr. Bush just watched Waterworld for the 800th time this morning. Mr. Costner's smooth portrayel of the lead character made the President wish he could live in Waterworld. So there you have it, blame Kevin Costner."

Son's Messy Room is Mystery To All.

2005-09-06T06:00:00.000-04:00

Matt Schnitzler is a 25 year old college student from Bristol, PA. His dad's a janitor. His mom's a housekeeper. Which begs the question many have wanted answered. Why is his room so messy?
"Because I don't care!" is Matt's answer. "Hospital corners and turned downed sheets? That's their life, not mine. Besides, I don't have the time. I have much more important things to attend to. Like downloading music, watching the same movies over and over, and sleeping up to fourteen hours a day."
Fear is another reason for Matt's unwillingness to clean his trash-heap of a domicile." I don't know what's under that mess. Frankly, I'm scared. My favorite green shirt moved across the room by itself the other night," said Matt.
His mother Carol is worried about his health. "There is mold growing in every bowl. I think that one was macaroni and cheese, which is odd because we haven't had it in the house for over four months."
Amazingly, this disregard for his health and safety has garnered Matt some recognition. Locally famous photographer, Zeke, has had Matt pose naked with is enormous collection of Colt 45 40's and Mountain Dew cans. The entire work, entitled Fly on Pie, is set to debut November 1, and run through Dec. 2, as part of the Environmental Diseases display at the Franklin Institute before moving to the McCarty Gallery in Chestnut Hill.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Really Annoying Guy Won't Stop Looking Over at My Screen.

2005-09-01T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Annoying Jerkface)
As I try to expell genius from my mind, there is a dorky, fat, prematurely balding guy at the computer next to me, who will not stop looking at my screen. Hey Jerkface! Look at your own screen. Why is he so interested in what is on my screen?
Oh my God, stop looking! I know you just read three sentences earlier when I asked you not to look at my screen. And you know I am talking about you because you are the only 19 year old in this room with a receding hair line that I mentioned in the first sentence. So why did you look over here again? By the way your breathe smells like Funyuns mixed with Pepsi.
Also, just wanted to mention something about your t-shirt. I am sure that the ladies love guys who love comics. However, they only love them when it's not known the guy loves comics. So you may wanna drop the t-shirt that proudly dislpays the epic battle of Venom vs. Spiderman.
I think he finally gets that I was writing about him. I am guessing that because he just got real red and then faced forward. Now he is looking towards his screen, but I know he is not paying attention to it, rather he is thinking about the mean things I wrote and what he should do about it.
Yeah! I thought so. You better not look over here. Damn I must really be an intimidating looking man. This guy is such a wuss.
Now you are so nervous you are balling up those sweaty dirty hands of yours. Now you are acting like your stretching. Now you are.....
I have to go because my nose is now bleeding. I do not wish to talk about what happened. Fat bald guy is no longer looking at my screen though. He was asked to leave by security.

Calvin Klein Hired by KKK to Liven Up Their Drab, Outdated Uniforms.

2005-08-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

(initial ckkk design for new Klan outfit)

As the Klan gets ready for its annual conference, National Director Thomas Robb announced the hiring of Calvin Klein to design a new uniform for the KKK. The new line of Klan garb will be called ckkk. The ckkk line will be an updated uniform that is aimed at attracting young, white, suburban kids. Klein said with that goal in mind, he has drawn his inspiration from hip-hop videos and violent PS2 games. Baggy throwback sports jerseys are an initial angle. Klein has also thought of mixing Birkenstocks and cargo shorts into the mix to reach a wider audience.
When asked why he chose a Jewish designer Mr. Robb had this to say. "That boy aint no Jew? Klein? I thought that was one of those Hitler Nazi names. I think you got him mistaken, sir. If that boy's a Jew then at least when the revolution comes, we may spare him; because these low rise cargo shorts make my ass look fabulous. And it's so much more comfortable to spread racism in the poly-cotton blend. That thick cotton robe is almost unbearably hot when you get close to a burning cross."
"I mean they are going to hate anyway," explained Klein when asked why he took the job, "At least let them be ignorant a**holes with style....This way, when I see them on the news I don't have to hate them and their fashion sense. I felt like together it was too much hate on my part."

Cinemas To Save Viewers Two Hours Of Life. Just Taking Your Money and Not Showing Affleck Films.

2005-08-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

(don't let these gorgeous eyes fool you)
After such flops as Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Gigli , and Surviving Christmas, Regal Cinemas will now simply take your money for a Ben Affleck film, then show you the door but not the film. This is aimed at those dumb enough to fall for an Affleck trailer. The new policy will save millions of wasted American hours.
"I think it's a great idea, I'm sure I will be tranced by those amazing eyes of his to see another crappy movie he makes," said Nancy Ghandi, of Minneapolis. "This way, halfway through the film, I won't have to wish I was rather being raped by a tire-iron than watch another minute."
"We understand that the average American is rather gullible when seeing a movie trailer," said Regal Group spokesperson Harriet Johnson, "All it takes to get someone to go see a movie is a cheesy romantic clip with Peter Gabriel's Salisbury Hill or U2's One playing in the backround and you are going to see it. No matter how bad you know it is going to be. And if Afflecks in it, chances are it sucks. We have found a way to get you to waste your money, but not your time."

Ronald McDonald Arrested on Child Abuse Charges.

2005-08-25T06:00:00.000-04:00

(McDonald resisting arrest)
Not that it's a surprise to anyone, Ronald McDonald(AKA Uncle Ronnie) was arrested Wednesday on child abuse charges. McDonald was arrested after a two hour standoff at the ball pit in the playground of the Topeka, Kansas Ronald McDonald House. Parents won't let their kids stay the night at Michael Jackson's, but have no qualms about allowing their children to live at one of the dozens of McDonald's residences.

While no sexual abuse is suspected, McDonald is accused of promoting bad eating habits and cavities, raising blood-sugar and cholesterol levels in children, as well as buying the children's soiled undergarments. He has also been charged with child endangerment when he allowed the known criminal popularly known as "The Hamburgler" hide out in the Los Angeles Ronald McDonald House.

"My client is innocent," claimed McDonald's big purple blob of an attorney John Grimace. " These charges are the real crime. Now if you will excuse me I have a 1:00 playdate with the Fry Guys."

These charges come only six years after McDonald was charged with a similar crime when a young boy accused Ronald of getting him addicted to sodium saturated foods and unidentified fish products. The boy also claimed McDonald would serve him a special drink McDonald called a "Shamrock Shake", which would get the child all hopped up on "happiness and good spirits", leaving the boy open to all sorts of alleged sick propositions. That case was settled out of court.

If brought to trial in the court of public opinion, McDonald could face a sentence of being replaced by a cheesy teen pop star, or an even creepier looking mascot. As far as the soiled undergarments charges, in a real court that faces a maximum sentence of 10 years, or as Dump Digest deems, not long enough.

Man Still Embarrassed by Random Dumb Comment Made 3 Years Ago.

2005-08-22T06:00:00.000-04:00

(definitely not at Last Supper)

Charlie Mayberry has said a lot of dumb things in his 29 years of life. One comment still haunts him nearly three years later. On Christmas Day, 2002, Charlie went to holiday dinner at the home of his girlfriend Jenna's parents. Right after Jenna's father Mike carved the Turducken (turkey/duck/chicken combo), Charlie tried to make small talk and decided to let everyone know something that was completely untrue.

" I was nervous and thought that I read it somewhere," said Charlie explaining his misspeak. " So I said to everyone 'You know, Jesus was served Turducken at The Last Supper. It's actually the first place experts believe it was made.' I couldn't believe I was saying it even as the words were coming out. Everyone just looked at me like I was a complete idiot. No one said anything of the sort, but I know they were thinking it. I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the evening, but in my mind I kept replaying what I said and it sounded more retarded everytime I thought about it."

Charlie has claimed that every time he is near Jenna's family he knows they are still thinking about it. Anytime turkey, chicken, or duck is brought up he knows they all remember his dumb words and he gets all blushed and embarrassed again. Sometimes the memory flashes back with the same result even away from her family.

"They never bring up that I made a dumb comment, they don't have to. I know they are laughing about it when I leave the room. They probably say 'Hey remember the time Charlie said Turducken was at The Last Supper. What an idiot. I hope he doesn't marry you Jenna. We don't want half-stupid grandkids."

Dump Digest asked Jenna's family if they could remember any dumb things Charlie had said during holiday dinners and they all replied no. Except for Jenna's sister who still remembers when Charlie congratulated her on being pregnant when she was not.

When told by Dump Digest that none of Jenna's family members recall the comment, Charlie replied, "Oh yeah, like they are going to admit to their favorite inside joke and ruin it. They remember!"

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

2005-08-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

52 year old Meredith Green of Phoenix, Arizona, Congratulations! You are a moron!
Last night you actually asked your waiter which was bigger; the small tossed salad or the large tossed salad. Just when your waiter thought you could not get any dumber, you outdid even your own retarded self by asking what kind of cheese is on the cheddar cheese fries. You embarrassed your family in public and made the whole kitchen staff laugh hysterically. Do your family a favor and let your husband order for you from now on.

Army Vet Still Has Flashbacks of Those He Lost During Wartime.

2005-08-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

So many men lost their best friends while at war. Their names live on in our hearts. Fido, Rover, Mr. Hoover Butterscotch. All heros. All dogs. All dead. Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump of the U.S. Army treated many of them. He still has horrible memories of the tragic events that happened to pets while their owners were away at war.
Dr. Stump has run the kennel at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri for the past 35 years. He and his staff watch over soldiers' pets while the soldiers are away on duty.
He has never actually went to war. We are not even sure if he is actually a veterinerian.
We interviewed Dr. Stump, and here is how that went.

DD: Well Dr. Stump tell us about some of the more tragic things you've witnessed with pets during wartime.
GS: First off, show me some goddamn respect and call me U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III. Second off, The stuff I seen keeps playin in my head over and over.
DD: You are the third Jr. in your family, Wouldn't that make you the IV?
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You think your pretty funny don't you? Let me tell you something Beanley. While you were out smoking weed, thowin peace parties with your hippie friends during 'Nam, I was elbow deep in Poodle and Shitzu intestines, man. I think about it everyday. All those poor dogs I lost. I seen some sh*t! Seen some sh*t that if you ever looked at, you wouldn't even see it.
DD: That last sentence did not make any sense, U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III. Also, I was born in 1978. I didn't even know about Vietnam until I saw Platoon.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You know what doesn't make sense? Innocent dogs being left alone to die while their owners go over to fight some war. I've seen it a thousand times. The soldier just leaves one of those baby pools full of dog food in the living room for their dogs; and hope it lasts the six months they're away. Then we go into to the soldier's house to investigate a foul smell and we find a dead pooch drowned in a baby pool of wet dog food! I keep tellin them if they are going to do that...USE THE DRY FOOD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
DD: Well this has been a nice afternoon, and really, thank you for your time U.S. Army veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You trying to get rid of me Beanley?
DD: Get rid of you? No..no..leave before you before you show me your crazy side? Well..yes.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: I'll show you crazy..Get over here Beanley..[loud sirens blare]
Nurse: U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III., we've got a code 7. A yellow Lab just swallowed a small toy.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: I'll deal with you later Beanley.
DD: Okay, I will wait right here for you.

I ran straight out of that insane man's office and headed home. Needless to say he's been affected by the horrors of leaving your pet alone during wartime.

Bush Nominates "Texas Justice" Judge Larry Joe Doherty for Supreme Court Justice.

2005-08-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

On Monday, Bush nominated Larry Joe Doherty, of TV's Texas Justice fame, for Supreme Court Justice. This comes as a shock as last month Bush had nominated U.S. Circuit Judge John Roberts Jr. for the post.

President Bush said he is finally putting his foot down against what he calls "Yankee Baby-Pullers"(pro-choicers), "Homociders"(murderers), and "My Pals"(corrupt corporate execs). His final solution to mold America's laws in the fashion of his religious ideals is justice--TEXAS JUSTICE!

" I thought John Roberts was my choice, I really did America," said Bush from his Texas ranch, "But Larry Joe Doherty is cool. Real cool. He wears jeans under his robe he's so cool. Roberts wears Dockers under his. LAME! Larry Joe's tough America. Real tough on crime. Like the other day on his show, this lady Betty Joe owed her cousin $125; so she stole it from the cousin and then paid the cousin back the $125 she just stole from him. Larry Joe was like 'Are you an idiot, mam? Do you think we are all stupid! Pay your cousin back $250 and get the hell out of my court!' It was awesome America."

Bush went on to list Doherty's other qualifications for the post. "He's from Texas. He wears a cool cowboy hat. He must be good because he's on right after Moesha reruns on UPN. He went to law school, and that's more than you can say for Clarence Thomas(CT did in fact go to law school ). Also, Larry Joe never dropped his pubes on some hottie's diet soda like Clarence Thomas did, and we let him be a Justice."

The media hounded Bush for ten minutes with questions about Doherty not really being qualified legally for the post, but Bush was not hearing it. So Bush left the crowd by sliding across the hood and then jumping in his new General Lee. Bush bought the car on a whim last week after seeing the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.

Dump Digest overheard a Bush assistant talking and found out Bush's nomination of Larry Joe is just another side effect of Bush's viewing of the Dukes of Hazzard. They expect him to come to his senses sometime next week when VP Cheney visits the President at his ranch.

Annual Goth BBQ Ruined by Gnat Swarm. Reporter's Day Ruined By Goths.

2005-08-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

His shirt read 100% PURE GOTH. However, for Jeremy "Mystique" Johnson(pictured) and his friends, it was a moment of 100% PURE HELL.
The group of black-clad teens joined together for their annual celebration "Goth Get-Along". A celebration Johnson described as being, "Hatred for the "system" which created a media-distorted portrayal of how the world is so great in so many ways, but really we, we goths , we know the sick reality that is the reality of what real really is...blah...blah..blah.." Sorry, that's where I lost him and started to daydream about ripping his piercings out one by one. God these kids are annoying when they get talking about serious stuff.
So this year's gathering was going splendid. That is until a small truck transporting lab gnats ran off the road nearby the crowd of 12 unguided teens. The truck lost its cargo right by their BBQ pit. The gnats began annoying everyone by going in all sorts of crevices and body parts.
"It was horrible, I've never seen any of us run before, ever. Jeremy was running around screaming and crying, well I thought he was crying because his mascara was running, but I forgot he paints his "black tears" on his face on Saturdays to symbolize the tears that are stolen from innocent kids by the "system"-controlled media machine for profit of the greed obssessed corporations," said the increasingly annoying girlfriend of Johnson who only went by the name Angelust(pictured,center).
I immediately left Angelust after that sentence to try to find someone who could go more than a sentence without going into an idiotic political rant. I found that person in Lazurus the Red (AKA Melvin Hinklefecker).
"You know, it's a shame. We only get together like this once a year. We play badmidton, make s'mores, and have fun. These gnats weren't like killer bees or anything but they weren't pleasant," said Lazurus. " I had to blow a snot rocket to get them out of my nose. I embarrased myself in front of that cute girl with the giant lip plate and pentagram tattoo on her neck. At least I wasn't as embarrassed as those brainwashed, pop-music loving, corporation run puppets I see in school everyday; wearing their GAP jeans, sipping their iced lattes."
Five sentences...that's it...five sentences. That was the longest one of them could make it all day. Jesus, why are you so sad? You're only teenagers. Life gets a lot suckier. Enjoy your teen years, they may be your best.
Anyway my day was ruined, so I put on my Banana PJ's, laid down on my IKEA futon, and ate Godiva ice-cream while watching a rerun of Friends. Life is Good.

Ugly Six Year Old Has Nightmares of Turning Into Giant Butterfly.

2005-08-11T06:00:00.000-04:00

Sleep has not been good for six year old Kimberley Piwacket lately. The odd looking child has been afraid of turning into a giant butterfly since her father tried to make her feel better about her looks by telling her one day she would blossom into one.
"She really thinks she is going to turn into an actual butterfly. I was just trying to let her know she is going to be pretty one day," explained Kimberley's father Francis Piwacket. "I really don't think she is going to be pretty, but she doesn't have to know that. I was just trying to make her feel better and have her believe she would be. Now she goes around all day asking people if her wings are starting to grow on her back. Just to shut her up I had to tell her the wings don't start to grow until you're twelve."
"I don't want to be a butterfly, I wanna be a person, " cried Kimberley. " I wanna be a doctor when I grows up, but Tammy down the street said they don't let butterflies be doctors. Her brother Josh said I am going to have to live in a cartoon to become one. If I do I hope it's Dora the Explorer. Hola Dora. Me llamo Kimberley."
Kimberley's mother has advised her husband to leave the comforting of the children to her. "We had a similar incident when Kimberley's brother Danny was five. Francis told a nervous Danny to 'break a leg' right before he went on stage as a Wise Man in the church's Christmas Pageant. Danny proceeded to whack the "Virgin Mary" in her knee with his walking staff. Francis just doesn't get that kids don't always understand figurative language. He also doesn't get that his kids seem to be dumber than most kids."

Foreign Tourism In Iraq Reported "Excellent" For 2nd Straight Year

2005-08-10T06:00:00.000-04:00

(Excited tourists arrive for "vacation" in beautiful Iraq)

Iraq's Tourism Minister Khalil Hammed reported another stellar year for foreign "tourism" in Iraq. For the second straight year the majority has come from the United States.
"We've seen a sharp decline in tourism from Poland and Portugal this past year, but luckily the American contingent is still strong. They seem to just love our beautiful deserts, enjoying such barren wastelands as Tikrit, Karbala, and Karkuk. Also, the average American tourist stays on "vacation" for nearly a year in Iraq," said Hammed. "We are encouraging other Americans to follow suit, and we understand as a signing bonus for entering the US Marines or Army, you receive an all expenses paid "vacation" to our beautiful country."
The Iraqi Tourism Board also announced its new marketing campaign "Have a Blast in Baghdad!". It will run commercials for the campaign during all Fox News shows.

Carmen Sandiego Still at Large

2005-08-09T06:00:00.000-04:00

If anyone has any clue which city is famous for its canals and gondolas please inform the Dump Digest staff. We have received info from Interpol that this is Carmen Sandiego's last known whereabouts. The intense manhunt is now on day three. We have come very close to apprehending her in Tokyo and Vienna, but lost track when we mistakenly thought that Dublin was the city in which cows were sacred. It's New Delhi by the way.
Thirteen V.I.L.E. henchmen have been arrested, but they are not talking. Please help these two gumshoes out. We feel Carmen will slip through the cracks if we go to the wrong city, again.
This is worse than when we couldn't get past day 2 on The Oregon Trail last week!

Burt Beanley Can't Get Song Out of His Head

2005-08-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

Burt Beanley, editor-in-chief of Dump Digest, repeatedly tried and failed to get the Gwen Stefani hit Hollaback Girl out of his head on Saturday.
He first heard the song Saturday morning on the radio and casually began humming, unaware of the hell it would put his mind through for the next 19 hours. For the next hour he continuously repeated the phrase "Cause I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback girl".

He finally got it out of his head for nearly three hours. But with all catchy songs, just the slightest reference to any part of the song will make it pop back into your head. So when Burt visited his local fruit stand that afternoon and noticed some plantains he broke into "Let me hear you say, this sh*t is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S". This episode lasted another two hours.

The song remained out of his thoughts for quite sometime after that. Around 11:30pm, Burt needed some tampons for his girlfriend so he headed out to the All-Nite Quik Stop (which is only open until 1:30am by the way, LIARS!). When he entered the store he headed to the tampon aisle and there he encountered an old woman. An old woman who just happened to be humming the tune that had been tormenting him all day. Burt then began humming and the two began a duet that lasted a good 5 minutes, complete with a dance they created on the spot to accompany the part:

So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That's right, I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust.
(Somehow Dump Digest doubts that scrawny Gwen is scaring anyone with those words. She needs some sun by the way. She doesn't look well.)

Burt continued singing the song in bed and did not fall asleep until 3am that night. He finally rid his brain of the song until Sunday night when we asked him for a quote about his experience.

" It's crazy because I don't even like that stupid goddamn song, but I just couldn't help myself, it's so damn catchy, 'This my sh*t, This my sh*t '. Great! Now it's in my head again. Thanks a lot a**hole!", said Beanley describing his hatred for the song and me.

National Night Out Helps Stimulate Local Business

2005-08-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

The unusually hot summer has taken its toll on the prostitutes in Philadelphia. On average, these women pull in $100-$200 a night. This summer, they're lucky if they make $50. "It's hot as hell out this b***h", remarked Sherry, a 45 year old veteran of the corner, last Thursday. "Dudes ain't comin' out in the heat. I got eleven kids to feed. Something gotta change or I'm gonna have to find a new job. "
Lucky for Sherry and her colleagues August 2 was National Night Out(NNO), the night when local town watches spend the entire night combing the streets, and well, watching the town. The only night of the year desperate married men are not only excused but encouraged to roam the seedier areas of town the entire night. Sherry, and others in her line of duty, took advantage of all NNO groups making their presence felt in local neighborhoods. Early reports on this year's National Night Out indicate that the average working girl made at least $400.
"Oh yeah, They was real freaky too, three at one time tried to get up on this." said an anonymous street-walker, "It's always like this on NNO though. NNO is to ho's , what Valentine's Day is to those flower seller people." (we assume she meant florists)
But isn't the point of NNO to stop this type of behavior? Many of the guys who solicited help from these girls, didn't think they were being counter-productive.
"I was stopping crime all night and it was on my fifteen minute break that I helped out the local economy as well ", said a town watch leader who pleaded with us to keep him anonymous, "One of the aspects of the night is to meet your neighbors. And I did. In fact, I met two neighbors that night."
All the men involved in the event believe National Night Out was a huge success. And I for one plan to participate next year.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

2005-08-04T06:00:00.001-04:00

19 year old Neal McCarthy of Ft. Myers, Florida, Congratulations! You are a moron! Instead of looking for a much needed job to pay off your overwhelming debt, you chose to spend all of yesterday watching a marathon of last season's Real World on MTV. While you were sitting on your duff, someone else got the only job your dropout lazy ass could get. The one your mom hooked you up with cleaning the toilets at a gas station. We hope your parents make good on their threats and finally kick you out of the house so you can experience the Real World first hand.

Hollywood to Film New "Blossom" Remake Movie.

2005-08-04T06:00:00.000-04:00

Whoa! After every other TV show we happily forgot about has been remade into a big Hollywood movie, DreamJob Pictures has announced it will bring the somewhat popular early 90's sitcom Blossom to the big screen. The sitcom was about a teen girl Blossom trying to deal with her issues with the help of her father Nick, alcoholic brother Anthony, and heartthrob brother Joey. There will also be the key dream sequences Blossom would have with celebrities, which will leave room for the studio to plug in cameos for some of Hollywood famous overexposed stars.

It's been reported Ashlee Simpson will don the ugly hat, oversized shirt, and tight stirrup pants to portray the annoying teen title character. Joseph Lawrence (formerly Joey Lawrence, he's now a mature actor) will reprise the role of brother Joey. " Whoa! I think I am perfect for the role. I once played a similar character ten years ago on a show called Blossom, which is weird because this movie is called Blossom and again I am playing the brother Joey," said [the ten years too old for the role and dumb as rocks] Lawrence.

"Blossom will be our test movie, if it succeeds we have plans to remake Step by Step, Out of this World, Charles in Charge, and Family Matters... I love that Urkel!" said studio president Jeffrey Katzenstein.

"And in our opinionation, the movie is gonna surely suck!" Dump Digest vows to move its operations to Canada if this movie makes a single dollar.

Atlanta High School for Blind Drops Drivers Ed. Class

2005-08-03T06:00:00.000-04:00

Claiming low attendance and dismissal of their insurance by State Barn, the Atlanta Blind Charter School, or ABC School, has dropped its drivers education program. Many wonder why the school offered the class to begin with.

The program has had only two students its two year existence, only one of which actually drove the car. That incident occurred when the student entered the car and pretended to be driving. It wasn't until two miles down the road did he realize he was actually driving, at which point he slammed on what luckily turned out to be the brake and continued to skid out into a perfect parallel park job.

The school also had it's insurance for the program revoked and cancelled when State Barn realized what the ABC School's initials stood for. "We thought it was for a daycare's drivers ed. class, which we were also a little worried about at first, but you know when it comes to driving and learning, it's never too early to start. So we approved the policy." said State Barn employee Stan Rinkel. "But now knowing it is a blind school, now that is just ridiculous. We would have to be idiots to insure blind kids. Hell, I heard some of them can't even see, for crying out loud."

School principal David Staskilunis has expressed deep remorse for the removal of the subject. Now the school will sell the drivers ed. car, a 2004 Cadillac Escalade, which the principle was allowed to drive during non-school hours. Principle Staskilunis has put a proposal in front of the school's board to have the drivers ed. class replaced with a sailing team.

Jack Sprat Dead

2005-08-02T06:00:00.001-04:00

It's true: Jack Sprat(left, with his wife) could eat no fat. Mr Sprat died of a massive heart attack in his home last night.

Years of licking the platter clean claimed the famous nursery rhymer's life. "I told him since my gastric bypass, I could no longer eat all the fat," said his grieving widow. "He began taking on my fat as well as his lean, because he just had to lick the platter clean. It was so gross how his heart exploded through his little bird chest."

Jack Horner, who happened to be sitting in the corner, couldn't believe his eyes. "When I pulled my thumb from my pie, I thought the splattering on my face was pie filling. But it wasn't. It was Jack's right ventricle."

The exact cause of Jack's death is still unknown. What is known, however, that skinny bastard sure will be missed.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Survivor: Attica Begins Filming.

2005-08-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

Production on the new installment of the popular reality show Survivor, Survivor:Attica, began filming last Friday. The 16 new castmates, all everyday citizens, were sent into the Attica Correctional Facility in Attica, NY. They were then divided into two tribes, The Aryan Tribe, and The Latino Tribe. The season will include all the normal segments and few more that are unplanned as of yet. Producers have said all the castmates have been fitting in better than expected. A few have already found love interests. Also, three castmates have already been eliminated after a fight in the showers resulted a trip to the infirmary.
Producers gave DD exclusive access to one of the castmates for an interview. This is our interview with Philbin Pleabody(top row black shirt), 32, a 135 lb. computer programmer from Shady Farms, Iowa.

DD: So Philbin, how has life been in the "Big House".
PP: Oh not too bad, been seeing a lot of interesting people, we got real prison jobs, got raped by my cellmate, started lifting weights, and there are arts and crafts.
DD: Okay...WAIT! You got raped by your cellmate?
PP: No. I didn't say that.
DD: Yes you did, I have it on tape.
PP: No you don't. Because I didn't say that. I know I didn't say that, because the producers told me not to talk about how I was raped by my cellmate and I have spent the past three days crying in a ball in the laundry room. So you're wrong, move on.
DD: Have you participated in any immunity challenges?
PP: Just one so far, we had to conceal a knife made out of a toothbrush, in a "special place", and get it past the guards. The last one to get theirs found gets immunity. It's actually still going on. That 70 year old librarian lady and I are the only one's left. [yelling coming from a 300 lb. Latino gentleman with a Care Bear tattoo on his face] .. Okay Esteban-- I'll be right there!
DD: Do you have to go for roll call or something?
PP: No. Esteban is going to show me how to make drugs out of cough medicine and dish soap.
DD: Thank you for your time Philbin, and good luck on winning this year's Survivor.
PP: Thank you, I am just happy for this opportunity to make my wife and kids proud. I think I have a good chance.[ philbin leans in close and whispers] Get-Me-Out-Of-Here. [then he begins screaming as he is carried away by a producer and three guards] Get me out of here Burt, or I'll [bleepin] kill you! NO!--Mommy!--Help!

Well it looks like this may be the best season yet. Look for its premiere next January on CBS.

Gay Texas Couple Finally Allowed to Adopt.

2005-08-01T06:00:00.000-04:00

Stone Creek, TX- For four years Marvin Hatter and James Watson have dreamt of children of their own. They are a gay couple who have enjoyed each other's company for the past 16 years. While they knew they would never be allowed to marry in Texas, they thought at least they would be allowed to adopt a child in need of love. But this is the South, and the local and state governments did everything to stop the couple from adopting. After 14 adoption agencies and loads of red tape the couple nearly gave up. That is until James's friend Martin, also a homosexual, told James of the agency which automatically approved him. The agency is called "The Cabbage Patch Kids".
"We were excited, so excited we rushed down to the Toy Barn as fast as we could," said Marvin. "When we reached the aisle that's when we saw them. Pamela Megan (left), Misty Jennifer (center), and Ricki Jeri (right). They were the three most beautiful babies ever."
"We scooped them right up and took them to the front counter to fill out the paper work. We were praying that this would be our last stop on our road to adoption in this redneck assbackwards state," said James. "The girl with the cow print hat working the counter just looked at us, judging us with her unibrow laden eyes. We were frightened she would say no also. So I lost it. I told her, ' I am Gay and I love Marvin! No one else is going to tell us we can't love these children like straight people will!'"

That's when the 16 year old cashier said, "Whatever sir. I really don't care. I just need you to put the Cabbage Patch Kids on the belt so I can scan them."
"Aren't you going to do a backround check on us?", asked Marvin.
"For what?-- sir, just put them on the belt , people are waiting behind you", said the cashier.
"No paperwork for us to sign?" questioned James.
"Not unless you are paying with a credit card," responded the counter girl.
"You mean we just pay you some money, then leave the store with them?"
"As soon as you possibly can would be great."

The couple paid a total of $75.00 for their three new children and then went home to embark on life as a family. "You think we pissed off this bible-totin' racist town being gay, wait till they get a load of gay parents with two Black and one Asian daughters," said James of their new family.
When they got home they sent away for the children's birth certificates. Then they went right back to the Toy Barn to go on a clothes shopping spree. They look forward to taking care of these children and express interest in adopting more.

Bush's New Plan to Save Social Security. Sell Montana and North Dakota.

2005-07-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

In a bold new plan to find the money to save Social Security, Pesident George Bush has announced a bill to sell Montana and North Dakota. He has set the selling price at 4 bizillion dollars.
"Me and my advisors have thought long and hard, and this seems to be the only way to save Social Security." said Bush in a speech at a Washington Elementary School. "I thought of selling a state, namely Washington D.C., but then I realized the cost of moving The White House building to another place would nullify what we were trying to do. So I looked at a map and that's when I saw two huge pieces of land I didn't even know were there. The natives call these areas North Dakota and Montana. And apparently we own them...Well not for long I hope."
Bush was then told by a fourth grader at the school that these were in fact states. To which Bush replied away from the mic, " They are states? Goddamn Gutierrez and Gonzales!" He then gained his composure and turned back to the mic and added," Yes-- they are states, but let's be real America, are they united-- states? Because I don't believe they are. And that's why they belong in some place like Canada." Bush went on for another four minutes trying to cover his blunder by explaining why these two states no longer belong in the union.
A vote in congress on the bill is scheduled for next Tuesday. All senators and congressman are currently against the bill, except for those from Montana and North Dakota, who, after today's speech, are not sure they even want to be in the union anymore.

First Theater to Open in London.

2005-07-28T06:00:00.001-04:00

In a bold move American theater owner Michael Stroud has planned to open the first official theater in London.

"For centuries Londoners have enjoyed shows at their favorite theatre. I feel that it's time to introduce them to the American phenomenon known as theater", said Stroud.

Londoners have their reservations about this import. "Theater? Never heard of it. Sounds like some sort of scam to me", expresses Niles Harrington, a concerned citizen. We informed Niles that a theater was a place to watch a play or musical. "Why would we need any of those, we already have places like that, we call them theatres."

"Oh yes, I saw one of those places in a foreign movie once. Complete hogwash. London will never stand for a place like that", said another Londoner.

Some Londoners are excited by the idea. " I think it will be great. I went to one in New York City once and I had a bloody great time. I wish we had a place like it here earlier" said Culture Minister Rebecca Conner.

Like all new imports it may be a culture shock at first, but Michael Stroud is confident that Londoners will adopt the theater concept as its own.

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

2005-07-28T06:00:00.000-04:00

This is a new weekly editorial in which Dump Digest will be honoring those who are idiots.

2nd Place - 9 year old Brian Green of Toledo, Ohio, Congratulations! You are a moron! You lost the camp spelling bee to a 7 year old because you couldn't remember the P in raspberry. Even though your dad, who nominated you for this award by the way, went over this word with you six times and it was placed twice in your stack of index cards. You've embarrassed your family and friends. You deserve all the tormenting you will receive in the next week. (Don't beat yourself up too bad, there will be a place for you here at DD when you graduate.)( And don't be reading this and bring up all our grammar mistakes, because you don't know where commas go either.)

1st Place - 21 year old Marvin Saunders of Jenkintown, Pa, Congratulations! You are a moron! You just spent 4 years and $40,000 learning how to drink at Penn State, and you were still making out with a toilet bowl late last Friday. All that education and you still thought that after twelve beers, three unidentified fruit drinks, and some nachos you just found at the bar, a "Car Bomb" was a good idea . You should be ashamed of yourself and stick to the pledge you made the following morning and "Never drink again".

Condi Rice Talks to Congress About Importance of Dental Care.

2005-07-27T06:00:00.001-04:00

Condi Rice spoke before Congress yesterday, obviously with much unresolved childhood issues, aiming to get better dental coverage for America's youth. Rice is pictured explaining just how big the gap in her front teeth was before braces.
"This is 2005, kids should not be getting called "Walrus" or "Bucky Beaver" like I was as a child. You think I would have became Secretary of State had I still had a gap that made people wanna kick footballs through it? The answer is no. But I got braces, and I became Secretary of State, and these children can too. BUT NOT WITHOUT BRACES!" pleaded Rice.

McDonald's Announces New Breakfast Sandwich, "The HeartBreaker"

2005-07-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever woken up and needed 4 eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 6 pieces of cheese, 3 chicken nuggets, some onion rings,and mayonaise on a giant sourdough roll to get you going in the morning? Well your prayers have been answered. Those are the ingredients to McDonald's new breakfast sandwich, "The HeartBreaker".
With 2,000 calories, 120g fat, 125g carbohydrates, and a whopping 3,600mg sodium, "The HeartBreaker" more than doubles its competition in nutritional value. McDonald's announced the sandwich as part of a new campaign aimed at the 18-34 yr. old men market. "This is a sandwich for real men, not those wusses who eat over at Burger King," said a McDonald's spokesperson.
In a related story, the U.S. Health Dept. expects a sudden climb in diabetes and obesity in men 18-34.

Ed "Money" Lee Wins Office "Wastebasket"ball Championship.

2005-07-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

Ed "Money" Lee defeated reigning three-time champ Carlos "All Good" Lopez in a close match to win the Hubert Mortgage office Wastebasketball Championship. The game is played exactly like H-O-R-S-E, but each shot must entail use of a prop from the office. The official ball is an old Pinky ball found last year behind the copier.
Both men received their nicknames because of the phrase they shout as they attempt their shots.
The match took place on Monday, in the break room, while the boss had left for lunch. "Money" was a 4-1 underdog going into the match.
"All Good" took an early lead by hitting his famous "Hook, Line, and Sink-er" shot three straight times. This difficult shot is a hook shot that must be shot from a specific line on the floor and bounced off the sink into the basket three feet away. "Money" missed all three revenge attempts and was quickly at H-O-R. " That's exactly what I felt like, too. Used and abused for someone else's pleasure, namely Carlos', " Lee said explaining his morale at that point.
"Money" struck right back after a Carlos miss, sinking two unanswered "Long Snap" shots that had to be shot through your legs, like a center snapping a football to the punter, and bounced off the water cooler. "That's crap man, I didn't know we were using the water cooler. After Tomlinson knocked it down in last week's tournament, I thought it was out-of-bounds. I hadn't been practicing off it. This is bull*h*t!", fumed Carlos'. He was overruled by the referee and the shots stood making it now H-O to H-O-R, "All Good"'s lead.
Both men then traded letters. "Money" then tied it up at H-O-R-S, with a shot off an opened microwave door. With the 'ship on the line Lee had to think of a good shot.
"I decided to go blindfolded with a full cup of coffee balanced on my head.", said "Money".
This shot was attempted only once in regulation play by Adam "Kobe" Joseph and that attempt ended with the janitor going apeshit on the whole accounting department. "Money" grabbed his cup of French roast, closed his eyes and prayed. He screamed, "MONEY!", for all to hear and the shot fell. All his buddies began screaming and Ed knew he had done something great. The pressure was all on Carlos.
Carlos balanced his coffee, closed his eyes, and screamed' "ALL GOOD!", a second later the shot fell. Everyone went nuts. Carlos began screaming, "In yo' face! Ha! Ha!", but he spoke too early as he forgot about the coffee on his head. The coffee fell and Carlos was eliminated for not following through on his shot.
"This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me." exclaimed Ed, who apparently ranks this above his wedding day, and the birth of his child, " I can't believe I did it. WOOO! Yeah baby! Money baby! It's All BAD Carlos!"
Carlos had this to say about his game today, " I let people down today, Tony from payroll, Greg from accounting, that cute blonde "what's-her-name". I am sorry to my fan's."
The boss had this to say about today's matchup, " The janitor has informed me of the hijinx that occur while I am at lunch, due to another mishap involving both a cup of coffee and a wastebasket, all games will now result in a written notice for those involved."

British Police to Victims Family " My Bad!"

2005-07-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

British Police on Sunday gave a very sincere "My Bad!" to the family and friends of the Brazilian man they mistakenly shot dead on Friday. Metroplolitan Police have accepted full responsibility, and then reminded everyone to think of the underlying cause of this incident. Jean Charles de Menezes(pictured) was mistaken as a terrorist and shot dead by police as he was hurrying to his train.

The police have laid out what compensation the victims family will receive for this tragedy. "To the family I can only offer our deepest regrets," Metropolitan Police commissioner Ian Blair said Sunday. Unfortunately for the family, regrets are not an acceptable form of payment at all funeral homes.

Police are now defining the act of hurrying to catch a train as "suspicious", and have advised all people of tan complexion to simply wait for the next train from now on. "We know that this being summer those of you who have been to the beach need heed the same warning," said a police spokesperson. "This will help cut down on "accidental" shootings by police."

Diary of a Cartel Henchman-by Johnny Escuela

2005-07-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

Johnny Escuela, 47, has been a henchman for a famous druglord for 23 years. His job consists of guarding the compound, fighting off rogue cops, and smoking many cigarettes. His cartel is based outside Miami on a huge estate that was once owned by Tom Selleck. He says he enjoys the work and gets great benefits that include full medical, dental, and 2 weeks paid vacation a year. Johnny has been married for 18 years and has three beautiful children. Johnny was nice enough to give Dump Digest an exclusive diary of his workday.

Monday, July 11, 2005
Woke up at 5:30, made my usual breakfast of Total, Pepsi, and a pork chop. Got into my '89 VW Golf and drove to the compound. On the way picked up mocha lattes with skim milk for the guys. Clocked in at 7:00. Watched the front courtyard and bullshitted with my partner Tony about retirement plans and Days of Our Lives(we fans call it DOOL). Around 9:00 I started showing Tony my "really scary" badguy pose that I'll use in case I ever become the boss' #2 man. I'll use the pose to scare cops during our inevitable showdowns. My schtick is I crack my neck and back at the same time while eating my lit cigarette. Nothing else until 1:00, when I took my lunch break and watched DOOL. That Stefano is one sick bastard. Boy do I wish I could work for him. That would be a dream job. From 2:00 to 3:00 we fought off two punk ATF agents. The one guy snuck right past us while we were leaning against the wall smoking. Didn't even see him. The other threw a stick towards our right and when we went to investigate it, he snuck in on our left. They started shooting everything in sight. Why are they shooting at me anyway, geez, I didn't do nothin' to them, I'm just a working man tryin' to provide for my family. Then they shot Tommy right out of the clock tower, fell 40 feet to his death. They also killed 3 guard dogs and drove a Ferrari right through the garage while making their getaway. I don't know why they always have to find destructive ways to "sneak" in, there is a freakin intercom system at the front gate. They didn't get to the Boss, he's at Disney with the family, but boy did they do some damage. Anyway, don't wanna be in work when the Boss gets back, he is gonna be fuming! Only positive out of all this was Tommy was the Boss' #2. That means the Boss will be looking for a new one. I can't wait to show him how well I've got my pose down. He'll probably be holding auditions next week, so cross your fingers for me. Spent the last hour cleaning up the mess the ATF agents left and then clocked out at 4. On the way home picked up diapers and milk. Watched some TV with the family and then went to bed. Well that's pretty much your average day as a henchman.

Two Wrongs Can Make a Wright.

2005-07-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

Matt Wright, 16, and girlfriend Sandra Clifton, 15, proved the famous proverb incorrect on Monday. Exactly 9 mo. and 3 days after a night of heavy underage drinking that ended with unprotected sex, the couple gave birth to son Sean David Wright. Dump Digest wishes the new family the best in a future we are sure will be filled with proving many bad proverbs correct.

DD 5 Best Ralph Macchio Films

2005-07-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

5. Outsiders- "Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold!" Johnny Cade gets his hair dyed.
4. My Cousin Vinny- Starred as one of the two "Yutes".(Billy Gambini)
3. Karate Kid III- Daniel takes down Terry Silver's prodigy "Bad Boy" Mike Barnes.
2. Karate Kid II- Daniel tears up Okinawa, Chozen no match for skinny white guy.
1. Karate Kid I- Daniel moves to Fresno, meets Mr. Miyagi, catches fly with chopsticks, and somehow wins tournament with secret, ancient "Crane" kick.

Mom hated by 12 year old son.

2005-07-18T06:00:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, 12 year old Neal Baumann exclaimed to anyone who was actually listening, that he hates his mother. What would lead a young man to have such hatred for another that he would actually verbalize it? Dump Digest investigates.
It appears the whole ordeal began at 6:14 p.m.. Neal's younger sister Kate, 8, was watching t.v. when Neal believed it was actually time for her to get ice cream spit in her ear. Kate began screaming and told her mother of Neal's action. Neal was sent to his room for a sentence of 1 hr. to think about what he had done.. What ensued in the next 30 minutes was best told by young Neal himself.
"So I went up to my room like my mom told me. Not like I care because I was going there to play PS2 anyway. Things were going fine until my PS2 shut off and would not go back on. So I looked up at the clock to see how much time I had left and it was only 5 minutes into my punishment. I spent the next twenty minutes walking back and forth between the steps and my bedroom trying to build up the courage to ask my mom if I could come down yet. After being sidetracked for 5 minutes, seeing how fast I could walk on my hands, I returned to the goal of getting off punishment early. Reaching the steps, via superfast hand-walking, I started to speak towards my mother downstairs. I started with a low warmup "mom", followed by a slightly higher "mOM", then with all my courage I screamed the third, "MOM, CAN I PLEASE COME DOWN NOW?" --She replied "Not till your hour is up honey". -- I was furious, had she not known what hell I had been through already, the courage it took me to even ask her, when I knew she would say no. That's when I screamed back " I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH"

Neal has since admitted only hating his mother when things do not go his way. Otherwise, he believed her to be an okay mom.

Jay Jay Beats Bush in Lanslide Victory!

2005-07-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

Jay Jay the Jet Plane, star of the popular kid's show, beat out George W. Bush in a mock election held by Dump Digest. The election was held in the "Small Fries" class at the It's a Small World daycare center in Willow Grove, PA. The voters were all the age of three.
Jay Jay won by a whopping 23-1 margin. When asked why they chose Jay Jay, the most common answers given were " zoom, zoom, plane", "Jay Jay funny", "I went bathroom", and disagreement with the social-political environment in America.
The lone Bush supporter was three year old Adam Viviano. We asked young Adam why he chose Bush over Jay Jay. "That man in over there said he would give me a lollipop if I did. Hey where is my lollipop?" said Adam. Bad pollsters at the Playskool level?
The man described by Adam was 32 year-old Jimmie Hartzo, the daycare librarian and lifelong Republican. When questioned about the whereabouts of Adam's promised candy, Mr Hartzo handed over a blue raspberry Blow Pop, and finally a Republican campaign promise was delivered.

5 Things that bothered me this week.

2005-07-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

1. Tuesday at 9pm, there were 12 reality shows on. 12!!!
2. The fact that I was flipping between 3 of them.
3. The women at the make-up counters wear doctors coats. She couldn't tell me what was wrong with my leg, but she did diagnose my fall colors.
4. Gas is $2.45+ per gallon. My favorite wine is now cheaper.
5. Three words. Harry Potter Freaks.

Lamb Chop still mute about life without Shari Lewis.

2005-07-15T06:00:00.001-04:00

Beloved kids show puppet and sidekick of the late Shari Lewis is still keeping her vow of silence that began the day Shari Lewis died 7 years ago. Intrigued, I began to investigate why.
I tracked down Lamb Chop in a prop closet in KCET studios, the L.A. PBS affiliate. It was a far cry from the lavish satin chest Lamb enjoyed while living with Mrs. Lewis. I asked her what life has been like for the last seven years, but Lamb just lay there staring at the ground with those sad, black, button eyes.
I tried everything, including a one sided duet of "This is the song that never ends", to get Ms. Chop to speak, but all my efforts fell flat.
I thanked Lamb Chop and returned her to her Xerox paper box. I then went to station president Al Jerome's office to seek answers on Lamb Chop's vow of silence and request better dwellings for the famous sock. This is my short interview with Al Jerome.

BB: Mr Jerome, what do you make of Lamb Chop's(LC) silence.

AJ: Well it's quite simple. Mrs. Lewis was LC. Her voice was LC's voice.

BB: Yes they were soulmate's weren't they? An inseperable duo those two were.

AJ: No I don't think you understand. LC is a puppet. Mrs Lewis put her hand up LC's backside, moved LC's mouth and talked for LC. LC is a Puppet.

BB: Sir I understand Shari had much control over LC, but to accuse her of anal molestation is simply absurd. I can't believe these allegations and you should be ashamed of yourself sir.

AJ: You are an idiot. Will you please leave now?

After a few choice words with this despicable man, I was escorted from the building. I now have suspicion that LC is being held against her will. I will investigate this matter further and get back to you all.

Bush drinks milkshake really fast. Alert now at red.

2005-07-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

Today in the Rose Garden, President Bush suffered a massive "brain-freeze". Bush had just received his "chocolate blizzard" milkshake when Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez(right,left) and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales(right,right) began to chant "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!". Never one to back down from a dare, Bush began sucking down the milkshake as fast as he could.
Half-way down the 48 ounce monster shake Bush began getting what he described as "the tingles" on his temple. Just like the war in Iraq, he wasn't going to stop what was clearly a huge mistake, until the task was complete.
36 ounces down Bush suddenly dropped the shake and began profusely rubbing his temples as the massive "brain-freeze" went into full efffect. Bush described being "dramatized" by the ordeal and asked to be immediately rushed to the "drama" center at the hospital. Cleary he is an idiot in many ways today. While not life threatening he will be held overnight for observation.
When asked why they egged on a clearly impressionable person Gutierrez and Gonzales pushed blame to the muslim chef who made the shake. "Why was the shake so cold?", asked Gutierrez. It was later found the chef is from Turkey and while he has no known ties to terrorists he was held as an enemy combatant. As a precaution Secretary Michael Chertoff raised the terror alert to red.

Ask Bob

2005-07-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Bob,
I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. My friend says that Terry Silver from Karate Kid(KK) III could kick the crap out of Chozen from KKII. I say no way. Terry Silver didn't even fiight Daniel, while Chozen had the balls to do it in front of his whole village. Please tell my friend he is a douche and to give me my $10. --charlie-memphis.

Charlie you are an idiot. Terry Silver would kick the crap out of Chozen for many reasons.
1. Terry Silver was a Vietnam vet as well as a black belt.
2. Chozen got the crap beat out of him by Daniel .(reason enough)
3. Terry Silver had a much more sinister laugh.
4. Terry Silver had a ponytail. And we all know bad guys with ponytails kick major ass.
5. Did I mention Chozen got the crap beaten out of him by a 135 lb. guy with a bum leg.
Give your pal his $10.

Dump Digest

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