Diary of a Cartel Henchman-by Johnny Escuela

Johnny Escuela, 47, has been a henchman for a famous druglord for 23 years. His job consists of guarding the compound, fighting off rogue cops, and smoking many cigarettes. His cartel is based outside Miami on a huge estate that was once owned by Tom Selleck. He says he enjoys the work and gets great benefits that include full medical, dental, and 2 weeks paid vacation a year. Johnny has been married for 18 years and has three beautiful children. Johnny was nice enough to give Dump Digest an exclusive diary of his workday.

Monday, July 11, 2005
Woke up at 5:30, made my usual breakfast of Total, Pepsi, and a pork chop. Got into my '89 VW Golf and drove to the compound. On the way picked up mocha lattes with skim milk for the guys. Clocked in at 7:00. Watched the front courtyard and bullshitted with my partner Tony about retirement plans and Days of Our Lives(we fans call it DOOL). Around 9:00 I started showing Tony my "really scary" badguy pose that I'll use in case I ever become the boss' #2 man. I'll use the pose to scare cops during our inevitable showdowns. My schtick is I crack my neck and back at the same time while eating my lit cigarette. Nothing else until 1:00, when I took my lunch break and watched DOOL. That Stefano is one sick bastard. Boy do I wish I could work for him. That would be a dream job. From 2:00 to 3:00 we fought off two punk ATF agents. The one guy snuck right past us while we were leaning against the wall smoking. Didn't even see him. The other threw a stick towards our right and when we went to investigate it, he snuck in on our left. They started shooting everything in sight. Why are they shooting at me anyway, geez, I didn't do nothin' to them, I'm just a working man tryin' to provide for my family. Then they shot Tommy right out of the clock tower, fell 40 feet to his death. They also killed 3 guard dogs and drove a Ferrari right through the garage while making their getaway. I don't know why they always have to find destructive ways to "sneak" in, there is a freakin intercom system at the front gate. They didn't get to the Boss, he's at Disney with the family, but boy did they do some damage. Anyway, don't wanna be in work when the Boss gets back, he is gonna be fuming! Only positive out of all this was Tommy was the Boss' #2. That means the Boss will be looking for a new one. I can't wait to show him how well I've got my pose down. He'll probably be holding auditions next week, so cross your fingers for me. Spent the last hour cleaning up the mess the ATF agents left and then clocked out at 4. On the way home picked up diapers and milk. Watched some TV with the family and then went to bed. Well that's pretty much your average day as a henchman.