Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Jack Sprat Dead

It's true: Jack Sprat(left, with his wife) could eat no fat. Mr Sprat died of a massive heart attack in his home last night.

Years of licking the platter clean claimed the famous nursery rhymer's life. "I told him since my gastric bypass, I could no longer eat all the fat," said his grieving widow. "He began taking on my fat as well as his lean, because he just had to lick the platter clean. It was so gross how his heart exploded through his little bird chest."

Jack Horner, who happened to be sitting in the corner, couldn't believe his eyes. "When I pulled my thumb from my pie, I thought the splattering on my face was pie filling. But it wasn't. It was Jack's right ventricle."

The exact cause of Jack's death is still unknown. What is known, however, that skinny bastard sure will be missed.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale


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