Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ronald McDonald Arrested on Child Abuse Charges.

(McDonald resisting arrest)
Not that it's a surprise to anyone, Ronald McDonald(AKA Uncle Ronnie) was arrested Wednesday on child abuse charges. McDonald was arrested after a two hour standoff at the ball pit in the playground of the Topeka, Kansas Ronald McDonald House. Parents won't let their kids stay the night at Michael Jackson's, but have no qualms about allowing their children to live at one of the dozens of McDonald's residences.

While no sexual abuse is suspected, McDonald is accused of promoting bad eating habits and cavities, raising blood-sugar and cholesterol levels in children, as well as buying the children's soiled undergarments. He has also been charged with child endangerment when he allowed the known criminal popularly known as "The Hamburgler" hide out in the Los Angeles Ronald McDonald House.

"My client is innocent," claimed McDonald's big purple blob of an attorney John Grimace. " These charges are the real crime. Now if you will excuse me I have a 1:00 playdate with the Fry Guys."

These charges come only six years after McDonald was charged with a similar crime when a young boy accused Ronald of getting him addicted to sodium saturated foods and unidentified fish products. The boy also claimed McDonald would serve him a special drink McDonald called a "Shamrock Shake", which would get the child all hopped up on "happiness and good spirits", leaving the boy open to all sorts of alleged sick propositions. That case was settled out of court.

If brought to trial in the court of public opinion, McDonald could face a sentence of being replaced by a cheesy teen pop star, or an even creepier looking mascot. As far as the soiled undergarments charges, in a real court that faces a maximum sentence of 10 years, or as Dump Digest deems, not long enough.


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