Thursday, March 16, 2006

Man Gets Lost on Way Back From Mall Bathroom.

Rex Hottelsan, 33, of Danville, Illionois, tells Dump Digest the sheer trauma he endured while getting lost at the Tippecanoe Mall in Lafayette, Indiana. His troubles began when he first felt the tingle signaling an urgency to use the urinal. This would begin two hours of pure trauma to find his way out of the maze that is the long hallway to the restrooms in most U.S. malls. Dump Digest Investigates!

Dump Digest: Rex, tell us how your ordeal began.

Rex Hottelsan:
Well it all began when I drank a super-sized Coke with my #2. You see the sheer size caused my bladder to swell...

Let's just start when you got to the bathroom hallway.

Okay. Well I got to the hallway and noticed it was very long and no people or bathroom to be found. I began down the hallway as the mall elevator music began to fade with each step. Silence began to triumph and I became a little scared. I made a series of lefts which really should have brought me back to the beginning I suppose, but oddly it did not.

DD: I can relate, those halls are confusing and weird.

RH: I continued down the path made a few rights and a left at a fork in the path. After about five minutes of this hallway I ran into a janitor and asked for directions. He said, 'right down this hall last door on the right.' I finally reached the bathroom and it was locked. Now I really had to pee , so I tried the ladies room; it too was locked. I decided to pee into the empty Coke cup I still carried and placed it in front of the bathroom door.

That's nasty. You are aware of that, right? Anyways, continue.

The real horror began on the way back. I continued back the way I came only to face another fork, which is odd b/c that is actually impossible. I heard the janitor's cartwheels moving and began to follow those. Completely lost I found a doubledoor and entered. What I saw frightened me beyond belief. I was now in a room with a poker game going on and seated at the table were Patrick Swayze's brother, the guy who played Kevin on Mr. Belvedere, and my fourth grade math teacher. All people who had vanished in the late 1980's.

DD: That's unbelievable....I am made it past fourth grade and you can not navigate a mall hallway. Go ahead, continue.

RH: Scared I ran back through the door and found myself in new hallway with arrows pointing to an exit. Reaching the exit I opened the door and was now across the street in an Applebees. Now 2 hours later from my start, I headed back to the mall and rejoined my friends who were unaware of my absence.

Very interesting story, Rex. Thank you very much, and I hope you get your LSD addiction under control.

You don't believe me, Burt? Oh it happened! America needs to know what dangers lurk in the bitter, hollow halls of the U.S.'s malls.

I believe you, Rex. America does not.


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