Monday, March 20, 2006

"Movie Theater Attendance Down Due to Poor Ticket Sales," says NATO Heads.

(Recent showing of Pink Panther)
The National Association of Theater Owners, NATO, has announced on Sunday that the reason for poor attendance at movies is simply poor ticket sales.

"We believe that once ticket sales grow, then too will attendance. We have many graphs and charts with bright colors and zig-zag lines that show a direct correlation between the decline in ticket sales and the decline in attendance. You can't argue with that kind of proof. So what we have to do is focus on ticket sales, not attendance. I mean...Honestly, who would buy a ticket and not attend?..That's just silly. We need to find a way to get people to buy tickets, and we believe if we achieve that, attendance is sure to follow." said NATO spokesperson Debbie Haslem.

Some critics say that the problem with attendance is simply a poor product and too many sequels and remakes. NATO's President thought otherwise.

"We offer quality movies such as The Hills Have Eyes, The Shaggy Dog and She's the Man.," said NATO head John Fithian. "Who would not want to pay $10/seat to see a remake of an excellent film starring talentless B & C-list actors and corny, subpar writing. You show me the person who would not, and I will gauge my eye with a leaky pen."

After lowering my raised hand and offering him a hankercheif for his bludgeoned eye, Fithian concluded with, "We feel strong that 2006 will be the year of many great remakes we will market and show a lot. We also promise some really amazing independents that we will only show if they get an Oscar nod."


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