Monday, May 01, 2006

Drunken Guys Believe Killer Was "Retarded". They So Would Have Done It Better.

(Edwards, Co.-Home of Closet Psycopaths)
Three 24 year olds from Edwards, Colorado, a rural community outside Vail, expressed their views on a local murderer John Stevens by proclaiming that Stevens was a complete idiot in his act. Stevens was found guilty of murdering his wife after DNA evidence proved it was Stevens blood that was found under her fingernails.

"What an effin moron. Doesn't he watch CSI? Doesn't he watch any TV? Gloves jerkface! Gloves! First rule of committing any crime. Also I think he should have done it during the day and not at their house, so as to not put him at the scene of the crime. Seriously, no way I would have gotten caught," said Josh Bloomfield, 24, the self proclaimed "King of the Mountain" and "Party Man 2006".

None of the young men seemed to feel sorry for the victim's death or her family; only anger at the husband's stupidity in getting caught.

"Oh he's 'retarded'. What I would've done is fixed her car in a way that was normal auto malfunction, like draining the brake fluid. We gotta lot of windy, hilly roads around here. Make it really happen on "accident", you know? Doing it yourself just gives you too many tracks to cover," added friend Michael Jefferson; a man who works at the 7-11 during the day and spends his evenings smoking weed and shooting stray cats.

We asked other locals there thoughts on the horrific murder. None seemed to express sympathy for the murdered wife's family, while all seemed to be closet professional killers.

"I woulda' hired a hitman, like a guy on The Sopranos"...."I would've lightly poisoned her food with household cleaning products and blamed it on poor ventilation."...."I drowned mine in a hot tub on vacation, went out to the store, came back and acted like I found her that way....I mean I would have done that," were sample responses from the locals.

That last guy caused this reporter to get the hell out of Edwards and return to the sanctity and safeness of urban Philadelphia.


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