(don't let these gorgeous eyes fool you)
After such flops as Pearl Harbor
, Daredevil, Gigli
, and Surviving Christmas
, Regal Cinemas will now simply take your money for a Ben Affleck film, then show you the door but not the film. This is aimed at those dumb enough to fall for an Affleck trailer. The new policy will save millions of wasted American hours.
"I think it's a great idea, I'm sure I will be tranced by those amazing eyes of his to see another crappy movie he makes," said Nancy Ghandi, of Minneapolis. "This way, halfway through the film, I won't have to wish I was rather being raped by a tire-iron than watch another minute."
"We understand that the average American is rather gullible when seeing a movie trailer," said Regal Group spokesperson Harriet Johnson, "All it takes to get someone to go see a movie is a cheesy romantic clip with Peter Gabriel's Salisbury Hill
or U2's One
playing in the backround and you are going to see it. No matter how bad you know it is going to be. And if Afflecks in it, chances are it sucks. We have found a way to get you to waste your money, but not your time."