Monday, November 14, 2005

Death Row Food Critic: Oregon State Penitentiary

AJ RIP 2005

Never
does one savor their food as they do when it's their Last Meal. Dump Digest asked A.J. Daly, convicted murderer, and recent recipient of the Oregan State death penalty to critique his Last Meal and give us a review.

My food arrived at 8:15 pm. I am to be executed at midnight exactly. For my Last meal I had chosen something from each of the four major food groups. It's never to late to look after your health, I told myself. No need to pack on the pounds at the finish line.

My meat was a moderate helping of roasted alligator steak. I chose this because an alligator ate my father when I was 12 and this was my last chance for revenge. For my vegetable I had broccoli sauteed in a wine garlic sauce. I chose broccoli because I like to pretend that the broccoli is one of those walking trees from Lord of the Rings and my finger is one of the Hobbits. I then recited lines from that part of the movie and chuckled at my actions. It was nice entertainment right before I died. My dairy was baked brie. I chose this because it reminded me of the 17 women that I murdered; all of which were named Brie. I saved my grains for dessert. I had a multi-grain muffin with Vermont maple syrup drizzled on top. I chose this because the other day the guard had one and I asked for a piece. He said "No, the only way your getting this is if you ask for it in your Last Meal.", so I did.

My overall review is as Follows:
--The steak was a bit chewy, not as much flavor as I hoped for, and way too much Rosemary.
--The broccoli was, well, it was broccoli. I mean you have to be an idiot to mess up broccoli.
--The baked brie was magnificent. Topped with a brilliant apple chutney, reminded me of heaven, and then that in turn reminded me I was not going there. Kind of a killjoy.
--I only had a bite of the muffin, it was a little dry, that jerk guard probably just saved one of his from the other day.
--I wasn't all together satisfied and I can safely say I will never eat there again.

I have just 2 small requests for the Penetentiary. One, fire the chef you use for Last Meals, the dying deserve more. Secondly, please don't kill me.

Dump Digest would like to thank A.J. for his review. One thing the penetentiary did get right that night, the execution went off on schedule at exactly midnight.


1 Comments:

At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Manda said...

Just stumbled across your blog, funny stuff OMG I have been laughing my head off!!! Thanks for the entertainment I will keep checking in !!

 

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