Friday, May 26, 2006

The Big F-YOU!

(Hey A**face! Act like you've actually been
to a drive thru before!)

We all need to vent sometimes, but Scott Carter (DD's society editor), needs to vent more than all of us. Dump Digest will now feature Scott's frustration in our new editorial-- The Big F-YOU!

Here's The Big F-YOU! to the lady in front of me at the Wendy's drive-thru. First off, you spent a good 3 minutes at the speaker box ordering your effin' lunch; I don'’t know, maybe you knew the person in the box, and you decided to do a little catching up during "everyones" lunch hour. Then, you overshot the window and had to reach awkwardly backwards to pay for your meal. FYI--– cars now come with a reverse function. It's the little "R"’ that's on the gearshift, not there for show a**hole....Try it out sometime. Last but in no way least, you couldn'’t wait to eat your food, so you decided right then was an awesome time to start shoveling fries in your mouth, while a line piled up behind you. Congratu-f**kin-lations lady! You successfully ruined my lunch break!

(Written by Scott Carter, DD Society Editor)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Baby Zahara Jolie-Pitt Pissed About Being Back in Africa.

(Get me the Eff Outta Here!)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been holed up in a compound in Africa for the past weeks awaiting the arrival of their first child together. While most of the couple's family are ecstatic, not all are sharing the bliss.

Baby Zahara, Jolie's adoptive daughter, who is from Africa, is quite upset at being back in the motherland.

"What the F**k! This bit*h is crazy. Have you seen my house? We got top of the line everything; weight room, sauna, three pools, 72-inch Plasma, a personal chef that makes great baby food.. not that Gerber mush. So....What the hell is she doing in Africa?!? What the sh*t, I didn't sign up for this crap, " vented Zahara in an exclusive interview translated through expert baby interpreter Phil Seymour.

"If she wanted me to walk around with flies all up in my eyes and sh*t, why'd she even adopt me. I had a nice middle-class family wanting to adopt me. I thought, hell Angelina Jolie.. I'm going with her, to hell with the Joneses, I movin on up like George and Weezy. Now I am starting to think I should have slummed it in that three bedroom colonial in Long Island; That's better than traveling to all these places where I gotta wear my baby Louis Vuitton bullet-proof vest, ducking land mines with Maddox and them," added Zahara.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Drunken Guys Believe Killer Was "Retarded". They So Would Have Done It Better.

(Edwards, Co.-Home of Closet Psycopaths)
Three 24 year olds from Edwards, Colorado, a rural community outside Vail, expressed their views on a local murderer John Stevens by proclaiming that Stevens was a complete idiot in his act. Stevens was found guilty of murdering his wife after DNA evidence proved it was Stevens blood that was found under her fingernails.

"What an effin moron. Doesn't he watch CSI? Doesn't he watch any TV? Gloves jerkface! Gloves! First rule of committing any crime. Also I think he should have done it during the day and not at their house, so as to not put him at the scene of the crime. Seriously, no way I would have gotten caught," said Josh Bloomfield, 24, the self proclaimed "King of the Mountain" and "Party Man 2006".

None of the young men seemed to feel sorry for the victim's death or her family; only anger at the husband's stupidity in getting caught.

"Oh he's 'retarded'. What I would've done is fixed her car in a way that was normal auto malfunction, like draining the brake fluid. We gotta lot of windy, hilly roads around here. Make it really happen on "accident", you know? Doing it yourself just gives you too many tracks to cover," added friend Michael Jefferson; a man who works at the 7-11 during the day and spends his evenings smoking weed and shooting stray cats.

We asked other locals there thoughts on the horrific murder. None seemed to express sympathy for the murdered wife's family, while all seemed to be closet professional killers.

"I woulda' hired a hitman, like a guy on The Sopranos"...."I would've lightly poisoned her food with household cleaning products and blamed it on poor ventilation."...."I drowned mine in a hot tub on vacation, went out to the store, came back and acted like I found her that way....I mean I would have done that," were sample responses from the locals.

That last guy caused this reporter to get the hell out of Edwards and return to the sanctity and safeness of urban Philadelphia.

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