Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sneaky Brother Trades Little Sister 2 Pennies for 1 Quarter, Again. Finally Has Enough for Pokemon Cards.

A Quincy, Illinois 11 Year old successfully made another 23 cents off his 5 year old sister when he tempted her to trade her old dingy quarter for two shiny new pennies. This being the ninth time this month; Laurence Cohen finally was able to buy the much coveted Pokemon collector's pack. He figures at this rate he'll have the complete set by 2007.

"She falls for crap like that all the time. Last year my scam was getting her to clean my room by teasing her that there was no way she could clean it faster than my record of ten minutes. I began counting at regular speed until she got going. Then right when she was finishing like an hour later I'd be like '9 min 58..9 min 59...10 min.. oh, just missed it 10 min 01 second. So close Becky, I knew you couldn't do it.' The she'd be like "Let me try next week; come on... Come on Laurence, I can beat it!' I ran that scam for about three months till my parents found out and grounded me for a month," said Laurence. "This 2 pennies for a quarter deal, this thing is a gold mine. I am going to have to play this cool if I want the whole Pokemon set."

"Laurence is so dumb," said his naive sister Becky, "He actually gave me two brand new coins for some stupid old one I didn't even want anymore. I hope he doesn't figure out how stupid he is."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Santa Claus to be Tried for Nazi War Crimes.

Santa at a concentration camp in 1943,
making sure no menorahs were being lit.


Santa Claus will be tried in Geneva next week for war crimes he allegedly committed while a lieutenant in Hitler's Third Reich.

Mr Claus, who then went by Heinrich Klauss, is believed to be the mastermind behind a Nazi propaganda campaign to rid Europe of Chanukah, which he believed was drawing attention away from his time in the spotlight.


The propaganda campaigns included the installment of Santa Soldiers in malls across the world. These soldiers would don Santa uniforms and force parents to have their children sit on Santa's lap and have their pictures taken with him. Parents were then forced to buy wallet sized photos of the pictures and carry them in their wallets as a reminder to never cross Santa and celebrate Chanukah, or their children will be shot. This practice is still very common today, without the mass killing of children of course.

Other propaganda included posting Santa on everything from dinner napkins to Coca-Cola bottles, just as a reminder that Santa was everywhere.

Another way of instilling fear in those who thought of celebrating Chanukah was through the introduction of Santa Loyalty Anthems. Such as :

"He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake.
(translation : big brother-a.k.a Santa-is watching you)
He knows when you been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake
"
(translation: don't celebrate Chanukah or Santa's soldiers will kill you).

Santa Claus has denied all allegations and has guaranteed that this trial will not affect any duties he has planned for December 25th. Santa's henchmen , the Elves, have also declined comment.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Narnia Kids Beat the Crap Outta Harry Potter Over Weekend. Narnia Wins at Box Office Also.

What a weekend it was for nerds. A weekend full of drama, excitement and taking sides. Nerds across America were forced to decide which fake world they would rather believe in. Would it be Narnia, or would it be where ever the hell Harry Potter is from. In an epic battle that included wizardry, talking animals, magical dressers, and a bunch of ugly child actors; it was Narnia which claimed the spot in the hearts of Gen-X'ers still living in the sixth grade.

Raking in well over 60 million, Narnia proved that a little boy with extremely thick eyebrows was no match for a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe. Based on the C.S. Lewis book I was forced to read in the sixth grade, Narnia follows three youngsters through a magical world where they must help the people overcome a fierce dictator and restore the poor people of the land to power. Think the Iraq War, but with mind of a child leading the battle, forgive me, just think the Iraq War.

While I was at the movies to watch Rent for the 13th time, I decided to ask those from both sides why their choice was better.

" Harry Potter is way better. He lives in a mystical world where kids have power and use innocence to overcome the corrupted minds of older villains. Narnia is completely fake, that stuff couldn't really happen; but Harry's magic. That is real my friend," said Scott Thompson, 32, of Lake Grove California, who happened to be wearing a black cloak, round glasses, and Harry Potter Underoos over his jeans.

" Potter Sucks. He should go suck Argus Filch and all the other gay characters. I can't believe I actually used to believe in that Potter crap. Talking animals and a magical portal in an armoire, that's why Narnia is so great and believable. Narnia is a great, mystical world where kids have power and use innocence to overcome the corrupted minds of older villains, " explained Sarah Bloomquist, 27, also of Lake Grove, California.

Based on the looks of the filmgoers and there long drawn out synopsises? ...synopsi? ..synopsiseses? ...descriptions! of the two movies, I believe them to be the same movie. I however have grown up and no longer live in the past. I would rather just watch a good comedy like Starsky and Hutch or The Dukes of Hazard.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Gorillas Go Ape for "King Kong". Give it 2 Unopposed Thumbs Up

America is buzzing about King Kong due out next Friday. Nowhere is the excitement level greater than in the non-human primate world. This culture has not been so excited about a motion picture since Matt Lablanc played buddy-buddy with Ed.

Here are some reviews from gorilla movie critics:

Two unnoppsed thumbs way up! - Mika - Bronx Zoo

Hooo-Hoo... Hoo Hoo Haaa!!- Charlie - San Diego Zoo

Hoo-Haaa! Haaa-Hoooo-Haaaa!!! Martinique - Philadelphia Zoo

A true masterpiece worthy of the attention of The Lord of the Rings. Jackson has again balanced drama, action, and special effect. Pure Genius! --- Sorry we thought this gorilla was a special albino gorilla, It was just Roger Ebert.

Dump Digest apologizes.

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