Tuesday, October 18, 2005

P & G Introduces New Detergent That Kills Child Sweatshop Germs.

(Our germs are in your clothes! YUK!)

Many people put on their brand new clothes without realizing the hidden dangers within the fabric. Deep within lie the germs of child sweatshop workers from China to Latin America. While not harmful, child sweatshop germs do leave the stench of horrid human rights violations.

For those who do not wish to walk around wearing the remnants of unethical business practices, Proctor and Gamble introduced their new brand of laundry detergent, Morally Fresh, on Monday. It's guaranteed to kill 100% of child labor germs and make you feel good about wearing clothes made in incomprehensibly tragic ways.

P & G scientists have worked for three years developing a product strong enough to battle the undetectable markings of tired, brittle, pre-adolescent hands. Many formulas were tried, but it wasn't until a scientist accidentally mixed TIDE with a bottle of "Walmart bargain shopper" essence, that a breakthrough was made.

" We found that when people find a bargain, let's say jeans for $10.99, they were likely to overlook the fact that a child had made them." said lead P & G scientist Walter Shabe. “That was the special ingredient that we were looking for in making our detergent. Once added, we saw that under a microscope these germs of child labor were actually disappearing."

Morally Fresh comes in two great scents, Ethically Clean and Look-the-other-way Lemon.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Man Prays for God's Help, Then Curses Him Out.

(Stanley stuck in rain)

Stanley Johnson, 35, got extremely religious on Tuesday when his car stalled at work. He began praying to God for help starting the car.

"Well the car was not turning over and it was raining pretty bad. Now I don't ask the "Big Guy" for much, so I thought now would be an okay time to call in a favor. I was like 'Please God, just help me this once, you know I don't ask for much. Please start my car God, I'll even go to church this Sunday.' So I turned the key. Nothing. Turned it again. Nothing," said Stanley.

When God did not answer his prayer Stanley turned his back on God.

"I was like "Sh*t! Goddamn stupid Mo**er F*****! Of all the Goddamn times this could happen. Jesus Christ just help me out for crying out loud!', " expalined Stanley describing his reaction to God's rejection of help. " I mean it's not like I ask him for stuff all the time. I don't ask him to help me get rich or help me sleep with the hot girl at work. Just desperate little things like starting my car or helping me beat murder charges, which he helped me out big time with. Thanks again for that God."

Dump Digest tracked down God in New Orleans where he was helping recede the water right before he went back to help earthquake victims in Pakistan.

"Stanley who? Listen I got Earthquakes, mudslides, Hurricanes, an AIDS epidemic, an a whole bunch of other crap to worry about. I don't do car starts. That's why I created AAA; To help me out with crap prayers like that. Stanley, why don't you just use those two wonderful gifts I created for you called feet, and walk to a frickin' bustop. You lazy sack of waste. And by the way, it was Satan who helped you with that murder charge. He created defense attorneys so by default, you'll have to thank him. You'll have plenty of time to thank him when you burn in hell for killing that hooker in Reno."

God has also asked Dump Digest to post this message for him:
Leave me alone with the Bullsh*t Prayers! Okay.

Friday, October 07, 2005

NAACP: Old White People "Acting Black" Still Not Funny

(Reginald Van Johnson; Gerald Greenberg)

The NAACP sent a message to advertisers and television/movie writers on Thursday. It still is neither acceptable or funny when elderly or "stuck-up" white people imitate hip-hop culture.

NAACP spokesperson Reginald Van Johnson had this to say about the matter, " First off, just because a very high percentage of the people who "act" and "talk" and "dress" the hip-hop lifestyle are young, poor, African Americans; it does not mean all African Americans are that way. Frankly, I don't know the difference between a Shizzle and a Dizzle. I really don't care either."

"Secondly, by working on that stereotype of a young African American; and having the complete opposite ("uppity", older, Caucasian) play that part does not equal funny. In fact, we still view that as racist. Just as we did during the minstrel show days. And if you're gonna do it anyway; please stop using slang from 1995."

Gerald Greenberg, the 64 yr. old Caucasian Head of Marketing for PepsiCo, had this to say about the NAACP statement, "Why they gotta be hatin'. Na' what I mean, son! Cats is just trippin' because we know what's crackalackin' in the streets. For real, son. Reginald Van Johnson, more like Uncle Tom Van Johnson. He's probably one of those Bel Air Richie Rich bitches! Don't hate the player, hate the game!"

Both sides agreed on a compromise on Monday. Caucasians agreed to place an age limit of 45 on Caucasians imitating Hip-hop. NAACP pledged to rid African American stand-up of the impersonation that portrays all Caucasians as "dorky".

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