Monday, March 20, 2006

"Movie Theater Attendance Down Due to Poor Ticket Sales," says NATO Heads.

(Recent showing of Pink Panther)
The National Association of Theater Owners, NATO, has announced on Sunday that the reason for poor attendance at movies is simply poor ticket sales.

"We believe that once ticket sales grow, then too will attendance. We have many graphs and charts with bright colors and zig-zag lines that show a direct correlation between the decline in ticket sales and the decline in attendance. You can't argue with that kind of proof. So what we have to do is focus on ticket sales, not attendance. I mean...Honestly, who would buy a ticket and not attend?..That's just silly. We need to find a way to get people to buy tickets, and we believe if we achieve that, attendance is sure to follow." said NATO spokesperson Debbie Haslem.

Some critics say that the problem with attendance is simply a poor product and too many sequels and remakes. NATO's President thought otherwise.

"We offer quality movies such as The Hills Have Eyes, The Shaggy Dog and She's the Man.," said NATO head John Fithian. "Who would not want to pay $10/seat to see a remake of an excellent film starring talentless B & C-list actors and corny, subpar writing. You show me the person who would not, and I will gauge my eye with a leaky pen."

After lowering my raised hand and offering him a hankercheif for his bludgeoned eye, Fithian concluded with, "We feel strong that 2006 will be the year of many great remakes we will market and show a lot. We also promise some really amazing independents that we will only show if they get an Oscar nod."

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Man Gets Lost on Way Back From Mall Bathroom.

Rex Hottelsan, 33, of Danville, Illionois, tells Dump Digest the sheer trauma he endured while getting lost at the Tippecanoe Mall in Lafayette, Indiana. His troubles began when he first felt the tingle signaling an urgency to use the urinal. This would begin two hours of pure trauma to find his way out of the maze that is the long hallway to the restrooms in most U.S. malls. Dump Digest Investigates!

Dump Digest: Rex, tell us how your ordeal began.

Rex Hottelsan:
Well it all began when I drank a super-sized Coke with my #2. You see the sheer size caused my bladder to swell...

Let's just start when you got to the bathroom hallway.

Okay. Well I got to the hallway and noticed it was very long and no people or bathroom to be found. I began down the hallway as the mall elevator music began to fade with each step. Silence began to triumph and I became a little scared. I made a series of lefts which really should have brought me back to the beginning I suppose, but oddly it did not.

DD: I can relate, those halls are confusing and weird.

RH: I continued down the path made a few rights and a left at a fork in the path. After about five minutes of this hallway I ran into a janitor and asked for directions. He said, 'right down this hall last door on the right.' I finally reached the bathroom and it was locked. Now I really had to pee , so I tried the ladies room; it too was locked. I decided to pee into the empty Coke cup I still carried and placed it in front of the bathroom door.

That's nasty. You are aware of that, right? Anyways, continue.

The real horror began on the way back. I continued back the way I came only to face another fork, which is odd b/c that is actually impossible. I heard the janitor's cartwheels moving and began to follow those. Completely lost I found a doubledoor and entered. What I saw frightened me beyond belief. I was now in a room with a poker game going on and seated at the table were Patrick Swayze's brother, the guy who played Kevin on Mr. Belvedere, and my fourth grade math teacher. All people who had vanished in the late 1980's.

DD: That's unbelievable....I am made it past fourth grade and you can not navigate a mall hallway. Go ahead, continue.

RH: Scared I ran back through the door and found myself in new hallway with arrows pointing to an exit. Reaching the exit I opened the door and was now across the street in an Applebees. Now 2 hours later from my start, I headed back to the mall and rejoined my friends who were unaware of my absence.

Very interesting story, Rex. Thank you very much, and I hope you get your LSD addiction under control.

You don't believe me, Burt? Oh it happened! America needs to know what dangers lurk in the bitter, hollow halls of the U.S.'s malls.

I believe you, Rex. America does not.

Friday, March 10, 2006

"Throwback" Jersey Makers Introduce "Throwaway" Jerseys

Stitchell & Mess, makers of "Throwback" sports jerseys have introduced a new line of jerseys, the "Throwaway" Jersey, honoring the biggest busts in NBA history.

If you were one of the retards that cheered when Sam Bowie was chosen over Michael Jordan, his jersey is available for you to relive the embarrassing time when you were happy to root for such a scrub. Were you a big Nets fan jumping up and down when they chose Dennis Hopson in 1987, over the likes of Reggie Miller and Scottie Pippen? Well, his jersey is there also, now you can wear it and cheer him on while he fills up your gas tank on Route 9.

Stitchell & Mess says that they came up with the idea after they purchased the jerseys through a warehouse liquidation sale. Other jerseys available include: Miichael Olowokandi, Shawn Bradley, Eric Montross, Pervis Ellison, Rick Robey and Laron Profit.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Company Introduces Toothpaste-Flavored OJ.

There is finally an end to the wincing that occurs when drinking your morning OJ after brushing your teeth. Florida Orange Drink Co. has introduced new Coldate Toothpaste flavored Tropicano orange juice. By taking out half the citric acid and replacing it with toothpaste, Tropicano has eliminated nutritional value while putting an end to the sour, disgusting taste you've hated since childhood.

It comes in three flavors to match your particular Coldate toothpaste. It is guaranteed safe for those with dentures. Which is a good thing, because anyone who drinks this crap will surely need them after the mixture of acid and fluoride strips the natural enamel right off those pearly whites of yours.

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