Friday, July 29, 2005

Bush's New Plan to Save Social Security. Sell Montana and North Dakota.

In a bold new plan to find the money to save Social Security, Pesident George Bush has announced a bill to sell Montana and North Dakota. He has set the selling price at 4 bizillion dollars.
"Me and my advisors have thought long and hard, and this seems to be the only way to save Social Security." said Bush in a speech at a Washington Elementary School. "I thought of selling a state, namely Washington D.C., but then I realized the cost of moving The White House building to another place would nullify what we were trying to do. So I looked at a map and that's when I saw two huge pieces of land I didn't even know were there. The natives call these areas North Dakota and Montana. And apparently we own them...Well not for long I hope."
Bush was then told by a fourth grader at the school that these were in fact states. To which Bush replied away from the mic, " They are states? Goddamn Gutierrez and Gonzales!" He then gained his composure and turned back to the mic and added," Yes-- they are states, but let's be real America, are they united-- states? Because I don't believe they are. And that's why they belong in some place like Canada." Bush went on for another four minutes trying to cover his blunder by explaining why these two states no longer belong in the union.
A vote in congress on the bill is scheduled for next Tuesday. All senators and congressman are currently against the bill, except for those from Montana and North Dakota, who, after today's speech, are not sure they even want to be in the union anymore.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

First Theater to Open in London.

In a bold move American theater owner Michael Stroud has planned to open the first official theater in London.

"For centuries Londoners have enjoyed shows at their favorite theatre. I feel that it's time to introduce them to the American phenomenon known as theater", said Stroud.

Londoners have their reservations about this import. "Theater? Never heard of it. Sounds like some sort of scam to me", expresses Niles Harrington, a concerned citizen. We informed Niles that a theater was a place to watch a play or musical. "Why would we need any of those, we already have places like that, we call them theatres."

"Oh yes, I saw one of those places in a foreign movie once. Complete hogwash. London will never stand for a place like that", said another Londoner.

Some Londoners are excited by the idea. " I think it will be great. I went to one in New York City once and I had a bloody great time. I wish we had a place like it here earlier" said Culture Minister Rebecca Conner.

Like all new imports it may be a culture shock at first, but Michael Stroud is confident that Londoners will adopt the theater concept as its own.

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

This is a new weekly editorial in which Dump Digest will be honoring those who are idiots.

2nd Place - 9 year old Brian Green of Toledo, Ohio, Congratulations! You are a moron! You lost the camp spelling bee to a 7 year old because you couldn't remember the P in raspberry. Even though your dad, who nominated you for this award by the way, went over this word with you six times and it was placed twice in your stack of index cards. You've embarrassed your family and friends. You deserve all the tormenting you will receive in the next week. (Don't beat yourself up too bad, there will be a place for you here at DD when you graduate.)( And don't be reading this and bring up all our grammar mistakes, because you don't know where commas go either.)

1st Place - 21 year old Marvin Saunders of Jenkintown, Pa, Congratulations! You are a moron! You just spent 4 years and $40,000 learning how to drink at Penn State, and you were still making out with a toilet bowl late last Friday. All that education and you still thought that after twelve beers, three unidentified fruit drinks, and some nachos you just found at the bar, a "Car Bomb" was a good idea . You should be ashamed of yourself and stick to the pledge you made the following morning and "Never drink again".

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Condi Rice Talks to Congress About Importance of Dental Care.

Condi Rice spoke before Congress yesterday, obviously with much unresolved childhood issues, aiming to get better dental coverage for America's youth. Rice is pictured explaining just how big the gap in her front teeth was before braces.
"This is 2005, kids should not be getting called "Walrus" or "Bucky Beaver" like I was as a child. You think I would have became Secretary of State had I still had a gap that made people wanna kick footballs through it? The answer is no. But I got braces, and I became Secretary of State, and these children can too. BUT NOT WITHOUT BRACES!" pleaded Rice.

McDonald's Announces New Breakfast Sandwich, "The HeartBreaker"

Have you ever woken up and needed 4 eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 6 pieces of cheese, 3 chicken nuggets, some onion rings,and mayonaise on a giant sourdough roll to get you going in the morning? Well your prayers have been answered. Those are the ingredients to McDonald's new breakfast sandwich, "The HeartBreaker".
With 2,000 calories, 120g fat, 125g carbohydrates, and a whopping 3,600mg sodium, "The HeartBreaker" more than doubles its competition in nutritional value. McDonald's announced the sandwich as part of a new campaign aimed at the 18-34 yr. old men market. "This is a sandwich for real men, not those wusses who eat over at Burger King," said a McDonald's spokesperson.
In a related story, the U.S. Health Dept. expects a sudden climb in diabetes and obesity in men 18-34.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Ed "Money" Lee Wins Office "Wastebasket"ball Championship.

Ed "Money" Lee defeated reigning three-time champ Carlos "All Good" Lopez in a close match to win the Hubert Mortgage office Wastebasketball Championship. The game is played exactly like H-O-R-S-E, but each shot must entail use of a prop from the office. The official ball is an old Pinky ball found last year behind the copier.
Both men received their nicknames because of the phrase they shout as they attempt their shots.
The match took place on Monday, in the break room, while the boss had left for lunch. "Money" was a 4-1 underdog going into the match.
"All Good" took an early lead by hitting his famous "Hook, Line, and Sink-er" shot three straight times. This difficult shot is a hook shot that must be shot from a specific line on the floor and bounced off the sink into the basket three feet away. "Money" missed all three revenge attempts and was quickly at H-O-R. " That's exactly what I felt like, too. Used and abused for someone else's pleasure, namely Carlos', " Lee said explaining his morale at that point.
"Money" struck right back after a Carlos miss, sinking two unanswered "Long Snap" shots that had to be shot through your legs, like a center snapping a football to the punter, and bounced off the water cooler. "That's crap man, I didn't know we were using the water cooler. After Tomlinson knocked it down in last week's tournament, I thought it was out-of-bounds. I hadn't been practicing off it. This is bull*h*t!", fumed Carlos'. He was overruled by the referee and the shots stood making it now H-O to H-O-R, "All Good"'s lead.
Both men then traded letters. "Money" then tied it up at H-O-R-S, with a shot off an opened microwave door. With the 'ship on the line Lee had to think of a good shot.
"I decided to go blindfolded with a full cup of coffee balanced on my head.", said "Money".
This shot was attempted only once in regulation play by Adam "Kobe" Joseph and that attempt ended with the janitor going apeshit on the whole accounting department. "Money" grabbed his cup of French roast, closed his eyes and prayed. He screamed, "MONEY!", for all to hear and the shot fell. All his buddies began screaming and Ed knew he had done something great. The pressure was all on Carlos.
Carlos balanced his coffee, closed his eyes, and screamed' "ALL GOOD!", a second later the shot fell. Everyone went nuts. Carlos began screaming, "In yo' face! Ha! Ha!", but he spoke too early as he forgot about the coffee on his head. The coffee fell and Carlos was eliminated for not following through on his shot.
"This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me." exclaimed Ed, who apparently ranks this above his wedding day, and the birth of his child, " I can't believe I did it. WOOO! Yeah baby! Money baby! It's All BAD Carlos!"
Carlos had this to say about his game today, " I let people down today, Tony from payroll, Greg from accounting, that cute blonde "what's-her-name". I am sorry to my fan's."
The boss had this to say about today's matchup, " The janitor has informed me of the hijinx that occur while I am at lunch, due to another mishap involving both a cup of coffee and a wastebasket, all games will now result in a written notice for those involved."

Sunday, July 24, 2005

British Police to Victims Family " My Bad!"

British Police on Sunday gave a very sincere "My Bad!" to the family and friends of the Brazilian man they mistakenly shot dead on Friday. Metroplolitan Police have accepted full responsibility, and then reminded everyone to think of the underlying cause of this incident. Jean Charles de Menezes(pictured) was mistaken as a terrorist and shot dead by police as he was hurrying to his train.

The police have laid out what compensation the victims family will receive for this tragedy. "To the family I can only offer our deepest regrets," Metropolitan Police commissioner Ian Blair said Sunday. Unfortunately for the family, regrets are not an acceptable form of payment at all funeral homes.

Police are now defining the act of hurrying to catch a train as "suspicious", and have advised all people of tan complexion to simply wait for the next train from now on. "We know that this being summer those of you who have been to the beach need heed the same warning," said a police spokesperson. "This will help cut down on "accidental" shootings by police."

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Diary of a Cartel Henchman-by Johnny Escuela

Johnny Escuela, 47, has been a henchman for a famous druglord for 23 years. His job consists of guarding the compound, fighting off rogue cops, and smoking many cigarettes. His cartel is based outside Miami on a huge estate that was once owned by Tom Selleck. He says he enjoys the work and gets great benefits that include full medical, dental, and 2 weeks paid vacation a year. Johnny has been married for 18 years and has three beautiful children. Johnny was nice enough to give Dump Digest an exclusive diary of his workday.

Monday, July 11, 2005
Woke up at 5:30, made my usual breakfast of Total, Pepsi, and a pork chop. Got into my '89 VW Golf and drove to the compound. On the way picked up mocha lattes with skim milk for the guys. Clocked in at 7:00. Watched the front courtyard and bullshitted with my partner Tony about retirement plans and Days of Our Lives(we fans call it DOOL). Around 9:00 I started showing Tony my "really scary" badguy pose that I'll use in case I ever become the boss' #2 man. I'll use the pose to scare cops during our inevitable showdowns. My schtick is I crack my neck and back at the same time while eating my lit cigarette. Nothing else until 1:00, when I took my lunch break and watched DOOL. That Stefano is one sick bastard. Boy do I wish I could work for him. That would be a dream job. From 2:00 to 3:00 we fought off two punk ATF agents. The one guy snuck right past us while we were leaning against the wall smoking. Didn't even see him. The other threw a stick towards our right and when we went to investigate it, he snuck in on our left. They started shooting everything in sight. Why are they shooting at me anyway, geez, I didn't do nothin' to them, I'm just a working man tryin' to provide for my family. Then they shot Tommy right out of the clock tower, fell 40 feet to his death. They also killed 3 guard dogs and drove a Ferrari right through the garage while making their getaway. I don't know why they always have to find destructive ways to "sneak" in, there is a freakin intercom system at the front gate. They didn't get to the Boss, he's at Disney with the family, but boy did they do some damage. Anyway, don't wanna be in work when the Boss gets back, he is gonna be fuming! Only positive out of all this was Tommy was the Boss' #2. That means the Boss will be looking for a new one. I can't wait to show him how well I've got my pose down. He'll probably be holding auditions next week, so cross your fingers for me. Spent the last hour cleaning up the mess the ATF agents left and then clocked out at 4. On the way home picked up diapers and milk. Watched some TV with the family and then went to bed. Well that's pretty much your average day as a henchman.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Two Wrongs Can Make a Wright.

Matt Wright, 16, and girlfriend Sandra Clifton, 15, proved the famous proverb incorrect on Monday. Exactly 9 mo. and 3 days after a night of heavy underage drinking that ended with unprotected sex, the couple gave birth to son Sean David Wright. Dump Digest wishes the new family the best in a future we are sure will be filled with proving many bad proverbs correct.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

DD 5 Best Ralph Macchio Films

5. Outsiders- "Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold!" Johnny Cade gets his hair dyed.
4. My Cousin Vinny- Starred as one of the two "Yutes".(Billy Gambini)
3. Karate Kid III- Daniel takes down Terry Silver's prodigy "Bad Boy" Mike Barnes.
2. Karate Kid II- Daniel tears up Okinawa, Chozen no match for skinny white guy.
1. Karate Kid I- Daniel moves to Fresno, meets Mr. Miyagi, catches fly with chopsticks, and somehow wins tournament with secret, ancient "Crane" kick.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mom hated by 12 year old son.

Last Friday, 12 year old Neal Baumann exclaimed to anyone who was actually listening, that he hates his mother. What would lead a young man to have such hatred for another that he would actually verbalize it? Dump Digest investigates.
It appears the whole ordeal began at 6:14 p.m.. Neal's younger sister Kate, 8, was watching t.v. when Neal believed it was actually time for her to get ice cream spit in her ear. Kate began screaming and told her mother of Neal's action. Neal was sent to his room for a sentence of 1 hr. to think about what he had done.. What ensued in the next 30 minutes was best told by young Neal himself.
"So I went up to my room like my mom told me. Not like I care because I was going there to play PS2 anyway. Things were going fine until my PS2 shut off and would not go back on. So I looked up at the clock to see how much time I had left and it was only 5 minutes into my punishment. I spent the next twenty minutes walking back and forth between the steps and my bedroom trying to build up the courage to ask my mom if I could come down yet. After being sidetracked for 5 minutes, seeing how fast I could walk on my hands, I returned to the goal of getting off punishment early. Reaching the steps, via superfast hand-walking, I started to speak towards my mother downstairs. I started with a low warmup "mom", followed by a slightly higher "mOM", then with all my courage I screamed the third, "MOM, CAN I PLEASE COME DOWN NOW?" --She replied "Not till your hour is up honey". -- I was furious, had she not known what hell I had been through already, the courage it took me to even ask her, when I knew she would say no. That's when I screamed back " I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH"

Neal has since admitted only hating his mother when things do not go his way. Otherwise, he believed her to be an okay mom.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Jay Jay Beats Bush in Lanslide Victory!

Jay Jay the Jet Plane, star of the popular kid's show, beat out George W. Bush in a mock election held by Dump Digest. The election was held in the "Small Fries" class at the It's a Small World daycare center in Willow Grove, PA. The voters were all the age of three.
Jay Jay won by a whopping 23-1 margin. When asked why they chose Jay Jay, the most common answers given were " zoom, zoom, plane", "Jay Jay funny", "I went bathroom", and disagreement with the social-political environment in America.
The lone Bush supporter was three year old Adam Viviano. We asked young Adam why he chose Bush over Jay Jay. "That man in over there said he would give me a lollipop if I did. Hey where is my lollipop?" said Adam. Bad pollsters at the Playskool level?
The man described by Adam was 32 year-old Jimmie Hartzo, the daycare librarian and lifelong Republican. When questioned about the whereabouts of Adam's promised candy, Mr Hartzo handed over a blue raspberry Blow Pop, and finally a Republican campaign promise was delivered.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

5 Things that bothered me this week.

1. Tuesday at 9pm, there were 12 reality shows on. 12!!!
2. The fact that I was flipping between 3 of them.
3. The women at the make-up counters wear doctors coats. She couldn't tell me what was wrong with my leg, but she did diagnose my fall colors.
4. Gas is $2.45+ per gallon. My favorite wine is now cheaper.
5. Three words. Harry Potter Freaks.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Lamb Chop still mute about life without Shari Lewis.

Beloved kids show puppet and sidekick of the late Shari Lewis is still keeping her vow of silence that began the day Shari Lewis died 7 years ago. Intrigued, I began to investigate why.
I tracked down Lamb Chop in a prop closet in KCET studios, the L.A. PBS affiliate. It was a far cry from the lavish satin chest Lamb enjoyed while living with Mrs. Lewis. I asked her what life has been like for the last seven years, but Lamb just lay there staring at the ground with those sad, black, button eyes.
I tried everything, including a one sided duet of "This is the song that never ends", to get Ms. Chop to speak, but all my efforts fell flat.
I thanked Lamb Chop and returned her to her Xerox paper box. I then went to station president Al Jerome's office to seek answers on Lamb Chop's vow of silence and request better dwellings for the famous sock. This is my short interview with Al Jerome.

BB: Mr Jerome, what do you make of Lamb Chop's(LC) silence.

AJ: Well it's quite simple. Mrs. Lewis was LC. Her voice was LC's voice.

BB: Yes they were soulmate's weren't they? An inseperable duo those two were.

AJ: No I don't think you understand. LC is a puppet. Mrs Lewis put her hand up LC's backside, moved LC's mouth and talked for LC. LC is a Puppet.

BB: Sir I understand Shari had much control over LC, but to accuse her of anal molestation is simply absurd. I can't believe these allegations and you should be ashamed of yourself sir.

AJ: You are an idiot. Will you please leave now?

After a few choice words with this despicable man, I was escorted from the building. I now have suspicion that LC is being held against her will. I will investigate this matter further and get back to you all.

Bush drinks milkshake really fast. Alert now at red.

Today in the Rose Garden, President Bush suffered a massive "brain-freeze". Bush had just received his "chocolate blizzard" milkshake when Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez(right,left) and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales(right,right) began to chant "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!". Never one to back down from a dare, Bush began sucking down the milkshake as fast as he could.
Half-way down the 48 ounce monster shake Bush began getting what he described as "the tingles" on his temple. Just like the war in Iraq, he wasn't going to stop what was clearly a huge mistake, until the task was complete.
36 ounces down Bush suddenly dropped the shake and began profusely rubbing his temples as the massive "brain-freeze" went into full efffect. Bush described being "dramatized" by the ordeal and asked to be immediately rushed to the "drama" center at the hospital. Cleary he is an idiot in many ways today. While not life threatening he will be held overnight for observation.
When asked why they egged on a clearly impressionable person Gutierrez and Gonzales pushed blame to the muslim chef who made the shake. "Why was the shake so cold?", asked Gutierrez. It was later found the chef is from Turkey and while he has no known ties to terrorists he was held as an enemy combatant. As a precaution Secretary Michael Chertoff raised the terror alert to red.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ask Bob

Dear Bob,
I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. My friend says that Terry Silver from Karate Kid(KK) III could kick the crap out of Chozen from KKII. I say no way. Terry Silver didn't even fiight Daniel, while Chozen had the balls to do it in front of his whole village. Please tell my friend he is a douche and to give me my $10. --charlie-memphis.

Charlie you are an idiot. Terry Silver would kick the crap out of Chozen for many reasons.
1. Terry Silver was a Vietnam vet as well as a black belt.
2. Chozen got the crap beat out of him by Daniel .(reason enough)
3. Terry Silver had a much more sinister laugh.
4. Terry Silver had a ponytail. And we all know bad guys with ponytails kick major ass.
5. Did I mention Chozen got the crap beaten out of him by a 135 lb. guy with a bum leg.
Give your pal his $10.

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