Monday, August 29, 2005

Calvin Klein Hired by KKK to Liven Up Their Drab, Outdated Uniforms.

(initial ckkk design for new Klan outfit)

As the Klan gets ready for its annual conference, National Director Thomas Robb announced the hiring of Calvin Klein to design a new uniform for the KKK. The new line of Klan garb will be called ckkk. The ckkk line will be an updated uniform that is aimed at attracting young, white, suburban kids. Klein said with that goal in mind, he has drawn his inspiration from hip-hop videos and violent PS2 games. Baggy throwback sports jerseys are an initial angle. Klein has also thought of mixing Birkenstocks and cargo shorts into the mix to reach a wider audience.
When asked why he chose a Jewish designer Mr. Robb had this to say. "That boy aint no Jew? Klein? I thought that was one of those Hitler Nazi names. I think you got him mistaken, sir. If that boy's a Jew then at least when the revolution comes, we may spare him; because these low rise cargo shorts make my ass look fabulous. And it's so much more comfortable to spread racism in the poly-cotton blend. That thick cotton robe is almost unbearably hot when you get close to a burning cross."
"I mean they are going to hate anyway," explained Klein when asked why he took the job, "At least let them be ignorant a**holes with style....This way, when I see them on the news I don't have to hate them and their fashion sense. I felt like together it was too much hate on my part."

Friday, August 26, 2005

Cinemas To Save Viewers Two Hours Of Life. Just Taking Your Money and Not Showing Affleck Films.

(don't let these gorgeous eyes fool you)
After such flops as Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Gigli , and Surviving Christmas, Regal Cinemas will now simply take your money for a Ben Affleck film, then show you the door but not the film. This is aimed at those dumb enough to fall for an Affleck trailer. The new policy will save millions of wasted American hours.
"I think it's a great idea, I'm sure I will be tranced by those amazing eyes of his to see another crappy movie he makes," said Nancy Ghandi, of Minneapolis. "This way, halfway through the film, I won't have to wish I was rather being raped by a tire-iron than watch another minute."
"We understand that the average American is rather gullible when seeing a movie trailer," said Regal Group spokesperson Harriet Johnson, "All it takes to get someone to go see a movie is a cheesy romantic clip with Peter Gabriel's Salisbury Hill or U2's One playing in the backround and you are going to see it. No matter how bad you know it is going to be. And if Afflecks in it, chances are it sucks. We have found a way to get you to waste your money, but not your time."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ronald McDonald Arrested on Child Abuse Charges.

(McDonald resisting arrest)
Not that it's a surprise to anyone, Ronald McDonald(AKA Uncle Ronnie) was arrested Wednesday on child abuse charges. McDonald was arrested after a two hour standoff at the ball pit in the playground of the Topeka, Kansas Ronald McDonald House. Parents won't let their kids stay the night at Michael Jackson's, but have no qualms about allowing their children to live at one of the dozens of McDonald's residences.

While no sexual abuse is suspected, McDonald is accused of promoting bad eating habits and cavities, raising blood-sugar and cholesterol levels in children, as well as buying the children's soiled undergarments. He has also been charged with child endangerment when he allowed the known criminal popularly known as "The Hamburgler" hide out in the Los Angeles Ronald McDonald House.

"My client is innocent," claimed McDonald's big purple blob of an attorney John Grimace. " These charges are the real crime. Now if you will excuse me I have a 1:00 playdate with the Fry Guys."

These charges come only six years after McDonald was charged with a similar crime when a young boy accused Ronald of getting him addicted to sodium saturated foods and unidentified fish products. The boy also claimed McDonald would serve him a special drink McDonald called a "Shamrock Shake", which would get the child all hopped up on "happiness and good spirits", leaving the boy open to all sorts of alleged sick propositions. That case was settled out of court.

If brought to trial in the court of public opinion, McDonald could face a sentence of being replaced by a cheesy teen pop star, or an even creepier looking mascot. As far as the soiled undergarments charges, in a real court that faces a maximum sentence of 10 years, or as Dump Digest deems, not long enough.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Man Still Embarrassed by Random Dumb Comment Made 3 Years Ago.

(definitely not at Last Supper)

Charlie Mayberry has said a lot of dumb things in his 29 years of life. One comment still haunts him nearly three years later. On Christmas Day, 2002, Charlie went to holiday dinner at the home of his girlfriend Jenna's parents. Right after Jenna's father Mike carved the Turducken (turkey/duck/chicken combo), Charlie tried to make small talk and decided to let everyone know something that was completely untrue.

" I was nervous and thought that I read it somewhere," said Charlie explaining his misspeak. " So I said to everyone 'You know, Jesus was served Turducken at The Last Supper. It's actually the first place experts believe it was made.' I couldn't believe I was saying it even as the words were coming out. Everyone just looked at me like I was a complete idiot. No one said anything of the sort, but I know they were thinking it. I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the evening, but in my mind I kept replaying what I said and it sounded more retarded everytime I thought about it."

Charlie has claimed that every time he is near Jenna's family he knows they are still thinking about it. Anytime turkey, chicken, or duck is brought up he knows they all remember his dumb words and he gets all blushed and embarrassed again. Sometimes the memory flashes back with the same result even away from her family.

"They never bring up that I made a dumb comment, they don't have to. I know they are laughing about it when I leave the room. They probably say 'Hey remember the time Charlie said Turducken was at The Last Supper. What an idiot. I hope he doesn't marry you Jenna. We don't want half-stupid grandkids."

Dump Digest asked Jenna's family if they could remember any dumb things Charlie had said during holiday dinners and they all replied no. Except for Jenna's sister who still remembers when Charlie congratulated her on being pregnant when she was not.

When told by Dump Digest that none of Jenna's family members recall the comment, Charlie replied, "Oh yeah, like they are going to admit to their favorite inside joke and ruin it. They remember!"

Friday, August 19, 2005

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

52 year old Meredith Green of Phoenix, Arizona, Congratulations! You are a moron!
Last night you actually asked your waiter which was bigger; the small tossed salad or the large tossed salad. Just when your waiter thought you could not get any dumber, you outdid even your own retarded self by asking what kind of cheese is on the cheddar cheese fries. You embarrassed your family in public and made the whole kitchen staff laugh hysterically. Do your family a favor and let your husband order for you from now on.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Army Vet Still Has Flashbacks of Those He Lost During Wartime.

So many men lost their best friends while at war. Their names live on in our hearts. Fido, Rover, Mr. Hoover Butterscotch. All heros. All dogs. All dead. Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump of the U.S. Army treated many of them. He still has horrible memories of the tragic events that happened to pets while their owners were away at war.
Dr. Stump has run the kennel at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri for the past 35 years. He and his staff watch over soldiers' pets while the soldiers are away on duty.
He has never actually went to war. We are not even sure if he is actually a veterinerian.
We interviewed Dr. Stump, and here is how that went.

DD: Well Dr. Stump tell us about some of the more tragic things you've witnessed with pets during wartime.
GS: First off, show me some goddamn respect and call me U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III. Second off, The stuff I seen keeps playin in my head over and over.
DD: You are the third Jr. in your family, Wouldn't that make you the IV?
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You think your pretty funny don't you? Let me tell you something Beanley. While you were out smoking weed, thowin peace parties with your hippie friends during 'Nam, I was elbow deep in Poodle and Shitzu intestines, man. I think about it everyday. All those poor dogs I lost. I seen some sh*t! Seen some sh*t that if you ever looked at, you wouldn't even see it.
DD: That last sentence did not make any sense, U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III. Also, I was born in 1978. I didn't even know about Vietnam until I saw Platoon.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You know what doesn't make sense? Innocent dogs being left alone to die while their owners go over to fight some war. I've seen it a thousand times. The soldier just leaves one of those baby pools full of dog food in the living room for their dogs; and hope it lasts the six months they're away. Then we go into to the soldier's house to investigate a foul smell and we find a dead pooch drowned in a baby pool of wet dog food! I keep tellin them if they are going to do that...USE THE DRY FOOD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
DD: Well this has been a nice afternoon, and really, thank you for your time U.S. Army veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: You trying to get rid of me Beanley?
DD: Get rid of you? before you before you show me your crazy side? Well..yes.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: I'll show you crazy..Get over here Beanley..[loud sirens blare]
Nurse: U.S. Army Veterinarian Dr. Gary Stump, JR III., we've got a code 7. A yellow Lab just swallowed a small toy.
USAVDGS, Jr. III: I'll deal with you later Beanley.
DD: Okay, I will wait right here for you.

I ran straight out of that insane man's office and headed home. Needless to say he's been affected by the horrors of leaving your pet alone during wartime.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Bush Nominates "Texas Justice" Judge Larry Joe Doherty for Supreme Court Justice.

On Monday, Bush nominated Larry Joe Doherty, of TV's Texas Justice fame, for Supreme Court Justice. This comes as a shock as last month Bush had nominated U.S. Circuit Judge John Roberts Jr. for the post.

President Bush said he is finally putting his foot down against what he calls "Yankee Baby-Pullers"(pro-choicers), "Homociders"(murderers), and "My Pals"(corrupt corporate execs). His final solution to mold America's laws in the fashion of his religious ideals is justice--TEXAS JUSTICE!

" I thought John Roberts was my choice, I really did America," said Bush from his Texas ranch, "But Larry Joe Doherty is cool. Real cool. He wears jeans under his robe he's so cool. Roberts wears Dockers under his. LAME! Larry Joe's tough America. Real tough on crime. Like the other day on his show, this lady Betty Joe owed her cousin $125; so she stole it from the cousin and then paid the cousin back the $125 she just stole from him. Larry Joe was like 'Are you an idiot, mam? Do you think we are all stupid! Pay your cousin back $250 and get the hell out of my court!' It was awesome America."

Bush went on to list Doherty's other qualifications for the post. "He's from Texas. He wears a cool cowboy hat. He must be good because he's on right after Moesha reruns on UPN. He went to law school, and that's more than you can say for Clarence Thomas(CT did in fact go to law school ). Also, Larry Joe never dropped his pubes on some hottie's diet soda like Clarence Thomas did, and we let him be a Justice."

The media hounded Bush for ten minutes with questions about Doherty not really being qualified legally for the post, but Bush was not hearing it. So Bush left the crowd by sliding across the hood and then jumping in his new General Lee. Bush bought the car on a whim last week after seeing the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.

Dump Digest overheard a Bush assistant talking and found out Bush's nomination of Larry Joe is just another side effect of Bush's viewing of the Dukes of Hazzard. They expect him to come to his senses sometime next week when VP Cheney visits the President at his ranch.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Annual Goth BBQ Ruined by Gnat Swarm. Reporter's Day Ruined By Goths.

His shirt read 100% PURE GOTH. However, for Jeremy "Mystique" Johnson(pictured) and his friends, it was a moment of 100% PURE HELL.
The group of black-clad teens joined together for their annual celebration "Goth Get-Along". A celebration Johnson described as being, "Hatred for the "system" which created a media-distorted portrayal of how the world is so great in so many ways, but really we, we goths , we know the sick reality that is the reality of what real really is...blah...blah..blah.." Sorry, that's where I lost him and started to daydream about ripping his piercings out one by one. God these kids are annoying when they get talking about serious stuff.
So this year's gathering was going splendid. That is until a small truck transporting lab gnats ran off the road nearby the crowd of 12 unguided teens. The truck lost its cargo right by their BBQ pit. The gnats began annoying everyone by going in all sorts of crevices and body parts.
"It was horrible, I've never seen any of us run before, ever. Jeremy was running around screaming and crying, well I thought he was crying because his mascara was running, but I forgot he paints his "black tears" on his face on Saturdays to symbolize the tears that are stolen from innocent kids by the "system"-controlled media machine for profit of the greed obssessed corporations," said the increasingly annoying girlfriend of Johnson who only went by the name Angelust(pictured,center).
I immediately left Angelust after that sentence to try to find someone who could go more than a sentence without going into an idiotic political rant. I found that person in Lazurus the Red (AKA Melvin Hinklefecker).
"You know, it's a shame. We only get together like this once a year. We play badmidton, make s'mores, and have fun. These gnats weren't like killer bees or anything but they weren't pleasant," said Lazurus. " I had to blow a snot rocket to get them out of my nose. I embarrased myself in front of that cute girl with the giant lip plate and pentagram tattoo on her neck. At least I wasn't as embarrassed as those brainwashed, pop-music loving, corporation run puppets I see in school everyday; wearing their GAP jeans, sipping their iced lattes."
Five sentences...that's it...five sentences. That was the longest one of them could make it all day. Jesus, why are you so sad? You're only teenagers. Life gets a lot suckier. Enjoy your teen years, they may be your best.
Anyway my day was ruined, so I put on my Banana PJ's, laid down on my IKEA futon, and ate Godiva ice-cream while watching a rerun of Friends. Life is Good.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Ugly Six Year Old Has Nightmares of Turning Into Giant Butterfly.

Sleep has not been good for six year old Kimberley Piwacket lately. The odd looking child has been afraid of turning into a giant butterfly since her father tried to make her feel better about her looks by telling her one day she would blossom into one.
"She really thinks she is going to turn into an actual butterfly. I was just trying to let her know she is going to be pretty one day," explained Kimberley's father Francis Piwacket. "I really don't think she is going to be pretty, but she doesn't have to know that. I was just trying to make her feel better and have her believe she would be. Now she goes around all day asking people if her wings are starting to grow on her back. Just to shut her up I had to tell her the wings don't start to grow until you're twelve."
"I don't want to be a butterfly, I wanna be a person, " cried Kimberley. " I wanna be a doctor when I grows up, but Tammy down the street said they don't let butterflies be doctors. Her brother Josh said I am going to have to live in a cartoon to become one. If I do I hope it's Dora the Explorer. Hola Dora. Me llamo Kimberley."
Kimberley's mother has advised her husband to leave the comforting of the children to her. "We had a similar incident when Kimberley's brother Danny was five. Francis told a nervous Danny to 'break a leg' right before he went on stage as a Wise Man in the church's Christmas Pageant. Danny proceeded to whack the "Virgin Mary" in her knee with his walking staff. Francis just doesn't get that kids don't always understand figurative language. He also doesn't get that his kids seem to be dumber than most kids."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Foreign Tourism In Iraq Reported "Excellent" For 2nd Straight Year

(Excited tourists arrive for "vacation" in beautiful Iraq)

Iraq's Tourism Minister Khalil Hammed reported another stellar year for foreign "tourism" in Iraq. For the second straight year the majority has come from the United States.
"We've seen a sharp decline in tourism from Poland and Portugal this past year, but luckily the American contingent is still strong. They seem to just love our beautiful deserts, enjoying such barren wastelands as Tikrit, Karbala, and Karkuk. Also, the average American tourist stays on "vacation" for nearly a year in Iraq," said Hammed. "We are encouraging other Americans to follow suit, and we understand as a signing bonus for entering the US Marines or Army, you receive an all expenses paid "vacation" to our beautiful country."
The Iraqi Tourism Board also announced its new marketing campaign "Have a Blast in Baghdad!". It will run commercials for the campaign during all Fox News shows.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Carmen Sandiego Still at Large

If anyone has any clue which city is famous for its canals and gondolas please inform the Dump Digest staff. We have received info from Interpol that this is Carmen Sandiego's last known whereabouts. The intense manhunt is now on day three. We have come very close to apprehending her in Tokyo and Vienna, but lost track when we mistakenly thought that Dublin was the city in which cows were sacred. It's New Delhi by the way.
Thirteen V.I.L.E. henchmen have been arrested, but they are not talking. Please help these two gumshoes out. We feel Carmen will slip through the cracks if we go to the wrong city, again.
This is worse than when we couldn't get past day 2 on The Oregon Trail last week!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Burt Beanley Can't Get Song Out of His Head

Burt Beanley, editor-in-chief of Dump Digest, repeatedly tried and failed to get the Gwen Stefani hit Hollaback Girl out of his head on Saturday.
He first heard the song Saturday morning on the radio and casually began humming, unaware of the hell it would put his mind through for the next 19 hours. For the next hour he continuously repeated the phrase "Cause I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback girl".

He finally got it out of his head for nearly three hours. But with all catchy songs, just the slightest reference to any part of the song will make it pop back into your head. So when Burt visited his local fruit stand that afternoon and noticed some plantains he broke into "Let me hear you say, this sh*t is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S". This episode lasted another two hours.

The song remained out of his thoughts for quite sometime after that. Around 11:30pm, Burt needed some tampons for his girlfriend so he headed out to the All-Nite Quik Stop (which is only open until 1:30am by the way, LIARS!). When he entered the store he headed to the tampon aisle and there he encountered an old woman. An old woman who just happened to be humming the tune that had been tormenting him all day. Burt then began humming and the two began a duet that lasted a good 5 minutes, complete with a dance they created on the spot to accompany the part:

So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That's right, I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust.

(Somehow Dump Digest doubts that scrawny Gwen is scaring anyone with those words. She needs some sun by the way. She doesn't look well.)

Burt continued singing the song in bed and did not fall asleep until 3am that night. He finally rid his brain of the song until Sunday night when we asked him for a quote about his experience.

It's crazy because I don't even like that stupid goddamn song, but I just couldn't help myself, it's so damn catchy, 'This my sh*t, This my sh*t '. Great! Now it's in my head again. Thanks a lot a**hole!", said Beanley describing his hatred for the song and me.

Friday, August 05, 2005

National Night Out Helps Stimulate Local Business

The unusually hot summer has taken its toll on the prostitutes in Philadelphia. On average, these women pull in $100-$200 a night. This summer, they're lucky if they make $50. "It's hot as hell out this b***h", remarked Sherry, a 45 year old veteran of the corner, last Thursday. "Dudes ain't comin' out in the heat. I got eleven kids to feed. Something gotta change or I'm gonna have to find a new job. "
Lucky for Sherry and her colleagues August 2 was National Night Out(NNO), the night when local town watches spend the entire night combing the streets, and well, watching the town. The only night of the year desperate married men are not only excused but encouraged to roam the seedier areas of town the entire night. Sherry, and others in her line of duty, took advantage of all NNO groups making their presence felt in local neighborhoods. Early reports on this year's National Night Out indicate that the average working girl made at least $400.
"Oh yeah, They was real freaky too, three at one time tried to get up on this." said an anonymous street-walker, "It's always like this on NNO though. NNO is to ho's , what Valentine's Day is to those flower seller people." (we assume she meant florists)
But isn't the point of NNO to stop this type of behavior? Many of the guys who solicited helpĀ from these girls, didn't think they were being counter-productive.
"I was stopping crime all night and it was on my fifteen minute break that I helped out the local economy as well ", said a town watch leader who pleaded with us to keep him anonymous, "One of the aspects of the night is to meet your neighbors. And I did. In fact, I met two neighbors that night."
All the men involved in the event believe National Night Out was a huge success. And I for one plan to participate next year.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Congratulations! You Are A Moron!

19 year old Neal McCarthy of Ft. Myers, Florida, Congratulations! You are a moron! Instead of looking for a much needed job to pay off your overwhelming debt, you chose to spend all of yesterday watching a marathon of last season's Real World on MTV. While you were sitting on your duff, someone else got the only job your dropout lazy ass could get. The one your mom hooked you up with cleaning the toilets at a gas station. We hope your parents make good on their threats and finally kick you out of the house so you can experience the Real World first hand.

Hollywood to Film New "Blossom" Remake Movie.

Whoa! After every other TV show we happily forgot about has been remade into a big Hollywood movie, DreamJob Pictures has announced it will bring the somewhat popular early 90's sitcom Blossom to the big screen. The sitcom was about a teen girl Blossom trying to deal with her issues with the help of her father Nick, alcoholic brother Anthony, and heartthrob brother Joey. There will also be the key dream sequences Blossom would have with celebrities, which will leave room for the studio to plug in cameos for some of Hollywood famous overexposed stars.

It's been reported Ashlee Simpson will don the ugly hat, oversized shirt, and tight stirrup pants to portray the annoying teen title character. Joseph Lawrence (formerly Joey Lawrence, he's now a mature actor) will reprise the role of brother Joey. " Whoa! I think I am perfect for the role. I once played a similar character ten years ago on a show called Blossom, which is weird because this movie is called Blossom and again I am playing the brother Joey," said [the ten years too old for the role and dumb as rocks] Lawrence.

"Blossom will be our test movie, if it succeeds we have plans to remake Step by Step, Out of this World, Charles in Charge, and Family Matters... I love that Urkel!" said studio president Jeffrey Katzenstein.

"And in our opinionation, the movie is gonna surely suck!" Dump Digest vows to move its operations to Canada if this movie makes a single dollar.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Atlanta High School for Blind Drops Drivers Ed. Class

Claiming low attendance and dismissal of their insurance by State Barn, the Atlanta Blind Charter School, or ABC School, has dropped its drivers education program. Many wonder why the school offered the class to begin with.

The program has had only two students its two year existence, only one of which actually drove the car. That incident occurred when the student entered the car and pretended to be driving. It wasn't until two miles down the road did he realize he was actually driving, at which point he slammed on what luckily turned out to be the brake and continued to skid out into a perfect parallel park job.

The school also had it's insurance for the program revoked and cancelled when State Barn realized what the ABC School's initials stood for. "We thought it was for a daycare's drivers ed. class, which we were also a little worried about at first, but you know when it comes to driving and learning, it's never too early to start. So we approved the policy." said State Barn employee Stan Rinkel. "But now knowing it is a blind school, now that is just ridiculous. We would have to be idiots to insure blind kids. Hell, I heard some of them can't even see, for crying out loud."

School principal David Staskilunis has expressed deep remorse for the removal of the subject. Now the school will sell the drivers ed. car, a 2004 Cadillac Escalade, which the principle was allowed to drive during non-school hours. Principle Staskilunis has put a proposal in front of the school's board to have the drivers ed. class replaced with a sailing team.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Jack Sprat Dead

It's true: Jack Sprat(left, with his wife) could eat no fat. Mr Sprat died of a massive heart attack in his home last night.

Years of licking the platter clean claimed the famous nursery rhymer's life. "I told him since my gastric bypass, I could no longer eat all the fat," said his grieving widow. "He began taking on my fat as well as his lean, because he just had to lick the platter clean. It was so gross how his heart exploded through his little bird chest."

Jack Horner, who happened to be sitting in the corner, couldn't believe his eyes. "When I pulled my thumb from my pie, I thought the splattering on my face was pie filling. But it wasn't. It was Jack's right ventricle."

The exact cause of Jack's death is still unknown. What is known, however, that skinny bastard sure will be missed.

Reported and Written by Special Guest Reporter Sheen Dimsdale

Survivor: Attica Begins Filming.

Production on the new installment of the popular reality show Survivor, Survivor:Attica, began filming last Friday. The 16 new castmates, all everyday citizens, were sent into the Attica Correctional Facility in Attica, NY. They were then divided into two tribes, The Aryan Tribe, and The Latino Tribe. The season will include all the normal segments and few more that are unplanned as of yet. Producers have said all the castmates have been fitting in better than expected. A few have already found love interests. Also, three castmates have already been eliminated after a fight in the showers resulted a trip to the infirmary.
Producers gave DD exclusive access to one of the castmates for an interview. This is our interview with Philbin Pleabody(top row black shirt), 32, a 135 lb. computer programmer from Shady Farms, Iowa.

DD: So Philbin, how has life been in the "Big House".
PP: Oh not too bad, been seeing a lot of interesting people, we got real prison jobs, got raped by my cellmate, started lifting weights, and there are arts and crafts.
DD: Okay...WAIT! You got raped by your cellmate?
PP: No. I didn't say that.
DD: Yes you did, I have it on tape.
PP: No you don't. Because I didn't say that. I know I didn't say that, because the producers told me not to talk about how I was raped by my cellmate and I have spent the past three days crying in a ball in the laundry room. So you're wrong, move on.
DD: Have you participated in any immunity challenges?
PP: Just one so far, we had to conceal a knife made out of a toothbrush, in a "special place", and get it past the guards. The last one to get theirs found gets immunity. It's actually still going on. That 70 year old librarian lady and I are the only one's left. [yelling coming from a 300 lb. Latino gentleman with a Care Bear tattoo on his face] .. Okay Esteban-- I'll be right there!
DD: Do you have to go for roll call or something?
PP: No. Esteban is going to show me how to make drugs out of cough medicine and dish soap.
DD: Thank you for your time Philbin, and good luck on winning this year's Survivor.
PP: Thank you, I am just happy for this opportunity to make my wife and kids proud. I think I have a good chance.[ philbin leans in close and whispers] Get-Me-Out-Of-Here. [then he begins screaming as he is carried away by a producer and three guards] Get me out of here Burt, or I'll [bleepin] kill you! NO!--Mommy!--Help!

Well it looks like this may be the best season yet. Look for its premiere next January on CBS.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Gay Texas Couple Finally Allowed to Adopt.

Stone Creek, TX- For four years Marvin Hatter and James Watson have dreamt of children of their own. They are a gay couple who have enjoyed each other's company for the past 16 years. While they knew they would never be allowed to marry in Texas, they thought at least they would be allowed to adopt a child in need of love. But this is the South, and the local and state governments did everything to stop the couple from adopting. After 14 adoption agencies and loads of red tape the couple nearly gave up. That is until James's friend Martin, also a homosexual, told James of the agency which automatically approved him. The agency is called "The Cabbage Patch Kids".
"We were excited, so excited we rushed down to the Toy Barn as fast as we could," said Marvin. "When we reached the aisle that's when we saw them. Pamela Megan (left), Misty Jennifer (center), and Ricki Jeri (right). They were the three most beautiful babies ever."
"We scooped them right up and took them to the front counter to fill out the paper work. We were praying that this would be our last stop on our road to adoption in this redneck assbackwards state," said James. "The girl with the cow print hat working the counter just looked at us, judging us with her unibrow laden eyes. We were frightened she would say no also. So I lost it. I told her, ' I am Gay and I love Marvin! No one else is going to tell us we can't love these children like straight people will!'"

That's when the 16 year old cashier said, "Whatever sir. I really don't care. I just need you to put the Cabbage Patch Kids on the belt so I can scan them."
"Aren't you going to do a backround check on us?", asked Marvin.
"For what?-- sir, just put them on the belt , people are waiting behind you", said the cashier.
"No paperwork for us to sign?" questioned James.
"Not unless you are paying with a credit card," responded the counter girl.
"You mean we just pay you some money, then leave the store with them?"
"As soon as you possibly can would be great."

The couple paid a total of $75.00 for their three new children and then went home to embark on life as a family. "You think we pissed off this bible-totin' racist town being gay, wait till they get a load of gay parents with two Black and one Asian daughters," said James of their new family.
When they got home they sent away for the children's birth certificates. Then they went right back to the Toy Barn to go on a clothes shopping spree. They look forward to taking care of these children and express interest in adopting more.

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